A
female
age
41-50,
*hanib
writes:Why does he keep hurting me? I recently split up with my partner.I suspected he had been cheating on me with his ex,i had reasons for thinking this, he called me paraniod, depressed and jealous. I was hurt that he had not tryed to reassure me. I told him i didnt trust him anymore and that he had hurt me. We never saw each other for a couple of days and then when he did come back from his mums he would pay me compliments and sexual gestures.All i wanted was for him to tell me he loved me and wanted to sort things out, but as i could see he didnt want to discuss why we had fallen out i was stubborn and told him it was over, i came home from work one evening and he had moved out. We have 2 young children and i was sure he would want to sort this out for them. However he has not had contact with me only regarding them, he is buying them presents and my daughter keeps saying how much fun they have without me. I dropped them off to him the other day and he was saying how nice i looked and asked for a kiss. Then when he drops them off he will ask if he has left of his belonging. I dont understand him surely if he didnt want things this way he would of tried harder to sort things out. My daughter thinks he is the best dad and im just mummy. is this him being bitter and using her or does he really feel guilty. He is 41 and has moved back in with his mum so he can have the kids plus his own life too. What can i do if i say how i feel he will know his behaviour is getting to me, Is this a power thing with him?
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depressed, his ex, jealous, moved out, my ex, split up Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (6 July 2010):
If he's been violent towards you, you shouldn't even be working it out with him now. You should be the one ending it.
A
female
reader, shanib +, writes (6 July 2010):
shanib is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto the female reader who replyed regarding the power and control. I found your answer very infomative as it was almost like you knew him. He has always had it cushdy with his mum as she lives alone and has lived with her on and off for the past 11yrs since i known him. He is a biker and will often disappear at wk ends with his biker mates. i had always thought he liked himself a little too much but says he hates women? so never thought he d stray, wrong had plenty of suspicions but never real proof, i think he s had a on off thing with his ex for yrs but not been 100%. He has also been slightly violent in the past too, what are you views to this and does he like controlling me as he can have his cake and eat it.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (6 July 2010):
No disrespect, but you shot yourself in the foot. You told him that it was over. What did you think he was really going to do? Sit there twiddling his thumbs? You said it was over, and he took you at your word and move doubt. Never, EVER tell a man that it's over if you want to work it out. Men take things literally. We don't look for the whole 'secret meaning' thing. If you'd wanted to work it out, you should have said that you needed to work it out. The female post at the bottom makes some interesting points about the power idea. but for all you know, he could be trying to see whether you want him back. If you want this to be worked out, go to him and tell him you want to work it out. Now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2010): I can tell you one thing. He`s all to blame as far as you see it. But where is there any trust? Has he given you any reason not to trust him? You ended it with him,not him with you. Everything is he could have. Besides calling him a cheat,what could you have done? If you constantly need reassurance at your time of life then you have got problems. I cant see how you will work.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2010): Its definitely a power thing and you are not imagining it. Ke knows that you still have feelings for him and so he keeps you 'hoping' by giving you little compliments here and there and probably gets some kind of kick out of putting you back down again later the same day. Its clear he is a selfish man because he cannot create a responsible environment for himself (he is 41 ???!!!!) and is now living with his Mother so that basically she is looking after the children and being a surrogate wife role while he regresses back to being a teenager when he feels like it. I sound harsh but if he was a real man he would not have gone running to Mummy when his life got a bit difficult. There are so many red flags about this guy including his insulting remarks that you are paranoid, depressed and jealous. Again, by dragging you down with comments like that he keeps you down - just where he wants you and he tries to justify his disgusting behaviour. That way he always has the control and upper hand with your emotional state. My best advice to you is to get all his stuff out your house and that way he has nothing to keep popping back in for. Next time he compliments you just shrug your shoulders and say really positively "cool" like thanks but you know what I don't really care and do not let him ridicule you with suggesting a kiss. By removing yourself from his emotional control you will start to regain your sense of self and you will see him for what he is.
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