A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I’m trying to make the best of things after splitting with my ex but she keeps making everything so difficult. I don’t understand what her problem is. We have a 15-month old son together so obviously need to stay in each other’s lives because we share him. After our son was born we just weren’t getting on and were arguing all the time. The stress of having a new born really wasn’t helping the situation either. She wanted us to get our own flat together but I could only see it leading to us arguing even more (we were both living at her Mum’s house at the time) so I told her I didn’t think it was a good idea and it went down like a lead balloon. More and more arguments followed and our relationship just seemed to fall apart at the same time. In the end I just couldn’t take it anymore and ended it back in February. Our son was only 4 months old at the time.I moved back into my Mum and Dad’s house and we agreed that I could have my son for 2 days a week, whilst he’d stay with his Mum the rest of the time. I agreed to pay maintenance as well. Money was never an issue as I have a really well paid job so I was happy to pay even more than what the CSA in England were legally entitled to take off me, just to help her out a bit more. Things were actually OK for a while and we just co-parented. There was still a bit of animosity but the main thing was we were there for our son. But then I met someone else back in July and everything changed. I was completely honest and told her I’d met someone and she immediately banned her from being anywhere near our son, which was just ridiculous. I can understand her being worried about my new girlfriend getting too involved and trying to play step-mum but to not even let her even meet him? It just made her sound so bitter.My new girlfriend isn’t stupid, she knew it was never going to be her place to try and step in and play Mum. After a couple of weeks I decided it wasn't completely up to my ex on who should and shouldn't be around OUR child. Especially when she was having her friends round all the time, a few of whom were stoners. So I took my son out with my new girlfriend so she could meet him for the first time and was totally honest with my ex, but she hit the roof. We had a massive argument on the phone and she ended up trying to ban ME from seeing our son. I just wasn't having it though, and thankfully neither was HER Mum and a lot of pressure from her she relented after a few days. She doesn't stop my girlfriend from being around our son now but she's constantly slagging us both off to whoever will listen to her.Now any plans I try and make for Christmas, she just moves the goalposts to be difficult. I know she does it on purpose as well. At first she agreed that I’d take him for a couple of hours during the day to see my family. My Grandparents had both been shielding because of Coronavirus and had hardly seen him so I was really desperate for them to get some time with him, even if it was only for a couple of hours. But then she decided to text me and say that the plans had all changed and that I can only come round on Christmas morning to drop off his presents and can’t take him out at all. Then we agreed on me having him all day Boxing Day, which I was OK with and was able to arrange plans with my family. But then she changed it all again. Now apparently the only time I can properly have my son is the few days I was planning to go away with my girlfriend, which were not on my days to have him. It doesn't take a genius to work out what she's doing. I just find it all really childish and really pathetic.But is this just how it goes in these kinds of situations? Is she just playing these games and being difficult to get back at me because I ended the relationship? I can understand it being hard for her that I broke up our family but at the end of the day I knew we would never have worked and almost a year later I still have no regrets about it. Why would it have been right for our son to live in an environment where his Mum and Dad just bickered all the time? Most importantly though I have always put my son first. Even though I have a new girlfriend I've never let it get in the way of being a Dad. I'm always there when he needs me and anything he needs, he gets. I never miss my days with him and if anything I'm trying to get MORE time with him. I've just changed my shift patterns at work so now only work 4 days a week instead of 5, just longer hours. So I've made it clear to my ex that I'm available to have him for an extra day now if she ever needed a break but of course it would mean he could be around my new girlfriend more, so she's never taken me up on it.Anybody with previous 'parents at loggerheads' experience got any advice?
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (11 December 2021):
 Your ex is acting up because she had a future mapped out in her mind which included you. Suddenly that was all ripped out from under her feet. She is hurting (and probably feeling lost, alone and vulnerable).
In an ideal world, children would only be brought into strong, well-established relationships as they can put an enormous strain on the best relationships. The first months especially are difficult, especially for the mother whose body has gone through so many changes and who suddenly has this helpless little baby relying on her 100% for everything. While it is wonderful that you are a hands-on dad, you cannot begin to imagine how much more this affected your son's mother - physically, emotionally and psychologically. Cut her a bit of slack.
Not only did you decide that you didn't want to share your life with your ex, the mother of your child, you moved on with your life (as is our right) and are now ramming a new girlfriend down her throat. A little bit of empathy and sensitivity would go a long way towards appeasing your ex. How would YOU feel if she got a new boyfriend and he was suddenly involved with your son? Given that you appear to be a caring father, I am sure you would get at least a twinge of jealousy niggling away at you. Not only has she lost you, she now feels like she is also in danger of losing the child you share.
Perhaps you should sit her down and have a talk with her, explaining that you are not trying to replace her and that your son will always only have ONE mum - her. She is feeling vulnerable. You loved this woman at one time. Dig deep and try to show her that you still care for her, even if you don't want to be with her.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2021): You should have visitation worked-out through a family court. Emotions run high when you dump the woman who had your baby.
Come on, what on earth did you think would happen the minute you found a new girlfriend, not that long after dumping the mother of your kid?
You've opened yet another can of hell that has set you two at odds. Bringing a child into a situation of bickering, dysfunction, and discord always leads to this kind of baby's mama-drama. She's humiliated and resentful you're rubbing your new girlfriend in her face; and introducing her replacement to her kid. If the situation were reversed, you'd be the one she would be writing DC about.
Yes, I agree she has been nothing but a pain in the bum. It's to be expected; but it wouldn't hurt if you'd kept this "new girlfriend" thing a little more subtle. You stormed in with your big announcement and called some woman you've just met the child's step-mum. That's a slap in her face, and you wouldn't expect scorn and retaliation?
No-one has any right to decide when you're ready to start dating again but you. You deserve to see your child, and she has no right to interfere with your relationship as a father to your child. You need to show a little compassion and sensitivity. She did bear that child in her body for 9 months; while you get to strut around bragging your paternal-rights. She is the one alone and humiliated; while you brag about finding a new love. The only problem with this whole scenario is that you found someone quickly after you left her; and she didn't find a new-man first. Like I said, the story would be entirely different; and your attitude will be different once she has found someone better for her. When you realize she is sleeping with another man. What goes around comes around, my friend!
Make peace, and if necessary; get your visitation-rights set, and a scheduled to see your kid decided through a judge. She may never approve of your dating somebody else; and her ego and pride will make her envious and resentful. She's human, and you should feel a little compassion just for the sake of the fact that she bore you that beautiful kid you're both foolishly using as a pawn between you.
Try to work it out. Keep your girlfriend and all your plans together to yourself. Stop enjoying the twisted-pleasure of rubbing her nose in it. You've found somebody, good for you; but it's hurtful to her, even if things didn't work-out between you. Put the child first, make peace for his sake. Things will settle-down; but you are both too young and immature to be parents. You'll have to learn with time and experience; meanwhile, put the child first, and keep your girlfriends and love-life to yourself. She does have a right to know and care who is around her child, just as you would.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (10 December 2021):
 Ok, first of all, have the visitation schedule made legal. Talk to a solicitor and family court ( or the UK version of that). HAVE it in writing. LEGALIZED. Same with the maintenance. HAVE it legalized and in writing. But make SURE you have the lower amount that you HAVE to pay on paper, so IF you end up in financial hard times she can't try and pluck hairs of a bald man. You can still GIVE her extra as you are able.
Second of all, NO NEW partner should be around your child until there is an ESTABLISHED relationship there - so wait AT LEAST 9-12 months and then INTRODUCE the new partner to the mom and child. It's also about being civil. If your ex can't be civil, well that is on her. That is common sense. And it should go BOTH ways, so not just YOUR partner(s) but also HERS.
Also, DO NOT divulge personal information about your life, work, or dating life to your ex. She doesn't seem mature enough to handle you living your life and having moved on. Stick to ONLY talk about the son. THAT is it, all other stuff is so far, irrelevant. None of her business. If you have planned a trip with the new GF do not tell the ex. And limit the access your ex has to your social media. She doesn't need to have access.
As for Christmas, TALK to her mom. It might be good to keep her mom in your corner. She herself can't make an agreement and then renege because she is jealous.
So in short, I'm glad to hear that you want to step up, that you want to be the best dad for your son you can be. Good. Now take the LEGAL steps. It will take away her ability to manipulate situations with regard to visitation.
Also, consider a paternity test. She will get pissed over it. But sometimes I think it's just smart to have everything covered. TALK to a solicitor.
Last thing. You mentioned you give her more money than the "normal amount". I think you should give that to the mom (her mom) to ensure it doesn't go to paying for weed or dumb shit for her or for other people.
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