A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys. Just looking for some advice. My main questions: Do you think this is acceptable in a relationship?Am I in the wrong?What would you do if you were me? Any other comments?Ok so the situation: I work part time/full time student. Last week, I had to call in the library before I started work, to get some books out. Not exactly fun, especially when iv been up late doing assignments, but I'm working really hard to get my degree.So I told my boyfriend I was going to the library, I had about an hour before starting work by the time I got there. I set off. Next thing I know, I notice he's following me, thinking I can't see him. Long story short, when I got home it was a huge argument. He said he was suspicious as how can I get any work done in the space of an hour.... And seemed to fail to understand me pointing out that the library is also a place to take out books. The night ended with me telling him it was over. So over the space of four days, he managed to change my mind. He's not a bad person, we've been together for three years, and I do love him. Since then he's been trying so hard- treating me amazingly well. So the problem: today I needed to goto the library again. I decided after last time to go after work instead (5pm). He told me 5pm was too late and I shouldn't go as it's Friday night and it's dark. I said I'd be home by half 6, which is not really late at all. If I didn't go tonight i couldn't go until Tuesday , because of my work schedule, which would make it very late. I had to go. I told him he shoul realise that, and appreciate how hard I'm working and have worked all this year.So when he came home, he was very cold and distant with me. He told me I didnt respect him because I hadn't listened. He also said that if anything had happened to me on the way home, he would be angry with me for not listening rather than caring that something had. He then made me feel crappy and guilty by pointing out how much he has been trying recently. Like it's my fault and iv ruined the relationship. I believe this to be a trust issue for him, as I will return home from work at 8pm often, on Friday and saturday night. He has no issues with this. However he said it's not. He just doesn't want me going to the library that late. Further background info which may be useful: iv never given him a reason not to trust me. Rather, iv spent the last 3 years proving any suspicions wrong. The area we live in is not exactly the nicest, but overall it's pretty safe. We live on a main road, 10 mins from campus. Apart from the occasional leer/whistle etc iv never had any problems. At the time,I felt I was right- I have friends who will goto the library until 1 in the morning to get assignments done. All I wanted to do was go at 5pm and grab some books to do my work at home. However, I now feel I'm in the wrong, and all the nice things he's done for me this week are spoiled :(What do you think guys? Sorry it's longXxxx Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2012): Previous anon male reader following up. Note the two guys (other being bronzed adonis, with whom I almost always agree word for word) imediately recognized bf as a controlling male and realize there's no hope, OP's only option is to get out from under his control. From a guy POV I respectfully submit "explaining it nicely" to bf or "just telling him" unlikely to work given bf "managed to get [OP] to change [her] mind" about leaving him earlier this week and has now made her "feel [OP's] in the wrong, and all the nice things he's done for [her] this week are spoiled." And needless to say OP convincing him "he needs to work on his problem, either with a therapist or on his own" isn't going to succeed. He'll immediately turn it around and make it her problem, which it is, which is why I suggested she see a school counselor without telling boyfriend. He's not going to change and he knows exactly what he needs to do to keep her under his thumb. OP, you need to understand that "he's been trying so hard- treating me amazingly well" is not a sign he truly loves or cares about you, he just pushing the required buttons to get you to do exactly what he wants and when you don't comply he turns right around and uses "all the nice things he's done for [you] this week" as a weapon against you to make you falsely believe he's right and you're wrong. That's why you need to talk to a counselor, and you need to do it during school hours without telling boyfriend so he doesn't get any more suspicious and therefore can't sabotage your getting help. BA and I can look at your situation with detachment and perspective, and instantly recognize classic behavior straight out of the Controlling Male 101 textbook. OP, you need someone to guide you in seeing who he really is, once you understand that you'll know exactly what he's doing, and even what he'll do next so you can deliver the right counter-punch. You're a smart young woman, working hard to get an education, don't let a guy like this drag you down to his level, get the information and help you need to get away from him safely and for good. Red flag inventory (in addition to previous quotes in anon male reader's response), taken verbatim from OP's posting:"I notice he's following me . . . He said he was suspicious as how can I get any work done in the space of an hour...." "The night ended with me telling him it was over. So over the space of four days, he managed to change my mind.""He told me 5pm was too late and I shouldn't go as it's Friday night and it's dark." "He told me I didnt respect him because I hadn't listened. . . He then made me feel crappy and guilty by pointing out how much he has been trying recently. Like it's my fault and iv ruined the relationship." "At the time,I felt I was right . . . However, I now feel I'm in the wrong, and all the nice things he's done for me this week are spoiled :("Best wishes for a bright, happy and secure future.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (18 February 2012):
 you should not have to prove yourself to be trust worthy
his insecurity and jealousy if you've done nothing wrong is in his own head and you can't fix that unless you are joined at the hip 24/7 and that's not feasible or reasonable.
I do not think it's acceptable for him to be so jealousy and controlling after three years and no behavior on your part to warrant this
you are not wrong he is. it's his problem however and he needs to work on this problem. either with a therapist or on his own if he can manage that. He needs to figure out why his insecurity is so strong.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 February 2012):
 Tell him to met you at the library? Or walk you to the library. If you need books to do homework, you need books!
Honestly, I don't know why you feel like you have to "ask" him if it is OK to go. Just tell him. If he doesn't trust that you are reading/working he can come look. Personally, I think your BF sounds VERY controlling and immature.
It's not like you are going to the pub or local strip club to look at "books" - you want to go to a LIBRARY! Where they have books!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2012): "Do you think this is acceptable in a relationship?"No. He is suspicious and controlling.Am I in the wrong?No, he's in the wrong, he just wants you to believe he's always right and you're always wrong so he can maintain control over you.What would you do if you were me? Realize I was in a dead-end relationship with a suspcious controlling jerk, which could very possibly indicate he's a serial cheater and/or potential abuser, and present myself at my school's counselling office ASAP.Any other comments?Off all the red flags popping up throughout your posting, to me the following passages are the most telling: "He also said that if anything had happened to me on the way home, he would be angry with me for not listening rather than caring that something had."Translation: He wouldn't care if you were injured or killed as long as it proved he was right and you were wrong so he'd have something to hold over you. He doesn't care about you, all he cares about is maintaining control over you."iv spent the last 3 years proving any suspicions wrong."Translation: And you will spend the next 50 years proving his suspicions wrong. It's not a trust issue with him, it's a control issue, and he will do whatever he needs to maintain control over you by any means necessary, meaning ANY means necessary, and yes that does mean he could exert physical control if he deems it necessary. Only advice I can give is make a hard copy of this posting on a school computer without telling boyfriend, bring it to your school's counseling office without telling boyfriend, and let them explain it without telling boyfriend. I'm not a professional, don't want to speculate, can only very very VERY strongly suggest you would greatly benefit from talking to a trained third party in a neutral setting away from boyfriend's presence and influence.Random question: Was your biological father in the picture when you were growing up? If not, let the school councelling staff know up front. It's info they might find very helpful.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 February 2012):
 I think that if he is so paranoid about the library, maybe in the past he used it himself as his hunting ground to score chicks or hooking up with a sexy librarian :) He's judging you by his own meter... if he is a person who would easily lie and do things behind your back, he'll think everybody else would do the same. How trustworthy and reliable is HE ?
Regardless, no, of course you are not wrong. You've got to do what you've got to do, in ref. to your studies , work, and goals,- boyfriend or no boyfriend. You are also hopefully grown up and mature enough to decide what's safe and reasonable in terms of times and risks. You want a bf, not a guardian.
Explain him that nicely, and keep doing what works for you. If he understands, he will adapt without attempting further emotional blackmails- if he does not and this keeps being fuel for arguments, give him his walking papers, do you really want someone to breath on your neck in this ridicolous way ?
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A
male
reader, bronzed adonis +, writes (18 February 2012):
 I cannot help but think that there is a possibility he is projecting his own personality on to you. I think you should have been watching him more. I don`t think he`s even done nice things for you. The nice things are done to give himself an angle of control. The longer you stay with him, the worse he will get. One day you will wake up and not even recognise yourself any more. You have been with him for some time now, but I think you need to be with someone who supports what you are trying to do with your life and respect you as a person. You are supposed to be a couple but he see`s you as his extension. Its not what I want to say, but, get rid.
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