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female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes: I've been with my boyfriend for a year and he told me all the time that he's the only child of his mom, and I recently found out that he has a sister that he never told me about because until recently he was so upset and he had to tell me about this thing that he has been hiding. He told me that she lives outside the US and he never talks to her, however, I did my own investigation and found her social media. I made a fake account and I added her. So basically, I found out that there are a lot of lies that he told me about. So when I first met him, he wanted me to meet his mom, and I was okay with that, we had everything planned and a day earlier he told me that the meeting won't happen because his cousin is coming with us, I told him that there is nothing wrong with that, but he was furious and said that he hates her and doesn't want her to come, he cancelled the whole meeting and I actually was mad about it but I let it go. He told me a couple times before that he wanted to go and hangout with his mom and his ''cousin'' , go to the cinema and have dinner with them. He told also me a couple times before that he will drop his cousin at another city although I asked him why does he do her favors if he hates her that much, he said that he has to since it's his cousin. Another lie was he told me that his mom will be taking his cousin on a vacation and he didn't want to go with them because he doesn't enjoy spending time with her. Only to find out that his 'cousin' is actually his sister, and I found out because she had the vacation photos posted with her "mom" Which is my boyfriend's mom, and that for some reason he has been lying to me that she lives outside the US, while she's actually living in another city. He told me that he hasn't seen her in years and she refuses talking to him for some personal reasons, although I've seen multiple photos of them hanging out in a restaurant the past few months. I didn't say or tell him that I've found out her social media or that I've figured out that he still sees her, and I'm wondering why would he lie about such thing, why would he try to hide her from me? Is it something to worry about? Should I break up with him or just let it go?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2019): I meant to say:
"You don't know his sister, and if he wants to go no-contact with those in his family he doesn't get along with, or has become estranged from; he has every right to do so."
P.S.
Your relationship is merely a year old; and I'd bet my Lexus and a 3ct diamond ring, you've got secrets you'll never tell him either!
Everyone has skeletons in their closets; and there may be family-members they don't care to introduce you to. There is nobody among us who doesn't tell a lie to hide shame; or avoid confrontation about matters you'd rather bury somewhere!!! Each and everyone of us has a secret they wouldn't wish to expose to friends, lovers, or family!
Thus far, all the lies were centered around his sister. Yes you can wonder what else he may have lied about; but his sister was a secret...and now she isn't!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2019): "I made a fake account and I added her."
When you want to know something that you suspect someone is hiding from you; don't go this route. Others may dismiss it, but it's an invasion of privacy. You don't know his sister, and if he wants to no-contact with those in his family he doesn't get along with, or has become estranged from.
It would be just as fair and straightforward to tell him you know he has a sister; and tell him when he's ready to confess the truth, let's talk about it.
Creating fake accounts doesn't lift your credibility anymore than your lying-boyfriend's trustworthiness. Noting that you must have done such a thing before; and websites seriously frown on fake-accounts where people make their subscribers vulnerable to all sorts of cyber-attacks and stalking.
Now you know he's a liar. You spied on his sister. Confront him about his lying; and then decide what you're going to do about the relationship, now that you know you can't trust him.
Close the fake-account, and leave his sister out of this. It has nothing to do with her, he's the one who lied.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (23 October 2019):
 In this case, you should tread carefully, and when I say "carefully", I mean REALLY carefully.
Is his lying an issue here? I would give a qualified yes, which is "yes" with an asterisk. You've been dating for a year, and if there is an undesirable family dynamic at play, it's not unheard of for him not to share it with you when your relationship is new. Seriously, how many second dates are given to people who when talking about their family that they hate certain members of it? Some details of our lives are shared only with time and trust.
Which leads me to your actions here. I think you've made a few mistakes that are almost as deceptive as his actions as well. You need to shut down your fake account. Why would you add his sister to your social media? This activity could cost you your relationship, because if he is avoiding her at all costs because she is toxic, then you are inviting the toxicity he's trying to avoid. In this case, there is no redeeming reason why you need to insert yourself into her life. You are living a lie here, because what possible knowledge could you gain here?
People have the right to cut toxicity out of their life, no matter if they're related or not. Mother, Father, Sister, Brother, cousin, former friend, there is no law that says that no matter what, you need to allow toxic people into your life. In fact, removing the toxic person is the healthiest thing to do. Mothers and fathers often are too focused on their own desire to see families together that they ignore the damage done in forcing meetings and conversations. Your boyfriend's mom sounds like just that sort of person who would guilt, manipulate, and pressure her son to feel obligation to his sister. He most likely calls her his "cousin" so that he can avoid talking to you about the family dynamic causing the friction.
I would give you advice and a warning:
Turn off your fake account. Invite your boyfriend to your house, sit down, and say "We've been together for a year. You and I are beyond casual partners, and I think it's time to have an in-depth conversation about how you and your sister have gotten to the place you are now. I want our relationship to be an honest one, and I support you in how you choose your connection to your sister to be, but it's past the point where you can keep me in the dark or lie or give alternate stories to avoid the issue. I need to know the truth if I can properly support you."
Make it safe for him to share with you, and do not interrupt. Get HIM to talk and speak as little as possible except to ask questions. Do not judge. Do not go off on comparing families. Do not give advice. Get him to open up, and you will have so much truth that you might regret it.
Now for the warning. No matter what conversation he and you have about his family, you must decide whether or not his family baggage is something you can live with. If you are all about the trying to reconcile them, or you can't help trying to get in the middle of the feud, then you should end it. YOU cannot be part of that issue, and you must respect who he chooses to disown or associate with. You don't pull someone he's disowned into your life as you did with your fake account. That is a betrayal of trust.
So, if you can live with the idea that he won't change, and that she may never get back into his life, then stay with him. But if you can't stomach baggage like that, then leave him now.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2019): Uhh...i think you need to focus on your own actions here. You created a fake account to spy on your boyfriends family because? What? He told you he hates his cousin.
Ok so cousin is actually his sister. Isn't it obvious why he said it was his cousin? He hates her! He doesn't want to acknowledge her as a sibling for some reason. He doesnt' trust you enough to tell you what that reason is, but I hardly blame him because you are not trust worthy. you don't respect his privacy!
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (23 October 2019):
 Well you seem to have no problem with lying yourself, but quite conversely are very upset about this guys lies. I honestly think you should break up with him. You say that lying upsets you, then why should you tolerate it? At your age there are new liers around every corner. Trade him in for the next one before more of his deceptive habits wear off on you.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 October 2019):
 Well: cold comfort, but at least you have found out the existence of just a sister. Very often, when there is a boyfriend's mysterious " cousin " who cannot be introduced to the girlfriend ,but still requires the boyfriend 's time and presence- it turns out it's not a " cousin " but the wife.
Should you be concerned ? you bet. That's a huge, big lie, it's not a little white lie which anybody could happen to tell, out of politeness, or to avoid an argument or similar stuff.
Why did he lie ? Who knows… if I have to guess, either he does not want you to know something about his sister… maybe she is just out of jail, or out of a mental institution,... (and no, I am not saying that if this is the case, her relatives SHOULD be ashamed, just that very often the relatives ARE ashamed , whether it is PC or not ! ) . Or, au contraire, he does not want you to meet his sister because he is afraid that through her you might come to know something about him, that you are not supposed to know. Like a criminal record, or a previous marriage, or having a kid or more with some ex… or whatever. Something , anyway, that he is hiding from you.
Even if it's nothing as dramatic, though,OF COURSE you should be worried ! You bet ! One year, and there still no trust for you, no confidence, no transparency, he does not want to share an important part of his life with you ( family IS important, whether you love it or hate it ) , plus he did not just lie once, he was able to keep up his convoluted narrative for a long time , and you would never have known anything if you had not decided to turn into a sleuth.
I would give him the chance to come clear and tell you his side of the story , and come up with a decent explanation of why all the cloak-and-dagger mystery about his sister. But if his explanation does not convince you 100% and more, and most of all if cannot be confirmed by supporting evidence ( ...trust would need to be rebuild in time after such a blow, so yes, now you need proof that what he says is true ) then tell him bye bye and move on,sharp. Life is too short to waste ut with people who plays fucked up mind games.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 October 2019):
 If he will lie about his sister (or half-sister, step sister or foster-sister), what ELSE is he lying about?
Have you ever met his mom? Or has there always been some or other reason for you to not meet them?
He has created a narrative about himself FOR you. To make himself look or sound a certain way. And that narrative is false. Now there might BE a reason why he wants nothing to do with his sister, but that isn't even the facts as you have seen multiple photos of them together in the past few months. SO HIS narrative is used as an excuse (I think) to keep you from getting to know his family, and maybe what they might tell you ABOUT him. He might have a strained relationship with his mom and sister, but it seems like HE is the reason for it. Which is why he lies about it.
Should you let it go? No, OP. Because it's not something to sweep under the rug. You can "pretend" you believe him, but why? You ALREADY knows he is lying. He has been lying to you for a WHOLE year.
Is that someone you can TRUST?
He could have told you, I have a sister but we aren't really on good terms. And left it at that, but no he LIED her out of existing.
Whatever drama he has, or has had, with his family, he isn't willing to share with you.
I would be very HONEST with him and tell him that you can't be with a person who will lie to your face like that. And yes, I would probably end it.
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A
female
reader, AnnieV1979 +, writes (23 October 2019):
 He may have a girlfriend on the side or there is something he's been afraid his sister will tell you about him he doesn't want you to know
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2019): Sorry sister but you must see that your so called boyfriend is a Liar Liar Liar! Any by this point you Can Not trust or believe anything that he says! Those are Intentional lies . No excuse . Move on. Find someone who is transparent to you.
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