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female
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*owtocope
writes: help! my boyfriend and i have lived together for about 7 months. he moved into my place it was sort of a quick decision as he had no place to live. we are very happy and plan to buy a house in the new year. he asked me to find something for him which required me to go through his things. as i was searching i came across some pictures with pretty much a love letter written on the back from his ex g/f of 8 years. should i be worried? has he just forgotten to throw them away or do you think there is some feeling there? they havent been together in about 2 years and he has had other relationships before me. why does he still have them???
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2006): i have the same dilemma, my boyfriend of a year and a half was with his ex for 2 years and he has several pics and birthday and xmas cards from her. last xmas she gave him an xmas pressie, i dont know what to think of this. its weird for me, she even texts him to go for lunch or her friends text him to call up to his exs house, its not right
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2006): I think if you live long enough or have more than just one serious romantic relationship in your life you will come to realize that love really never has to go away in a relationship and often there is a fine line between love and hate....this relationship ended for the two of them a long time ago, it may have been due to bad timing, being at a crossroads in both their lives that made the relationship no longer viable....and they had to move on....This does not mean that either he or his ex will ever rekindle their romance, but how would you feel if the situation were reversed? What if the two of you spend years together and then break up, would you have to hate him so much that you would want to rip his image out of your brain and heart forever? Usually, with some passage of time, you can fondly look back on a past love and be at peace with both the end of the relationship and with that person, and if you shared any good times at all, you may want to hang onto a photo or a card or a letter to remind you of your past and that yes, you were loved and this person left an indelible footprint on your heart and is part of your history, your journey through life.
Please respect that your boyfriend has a past which includes loving someone before you, it shows he is a sentimental guy and BTW a good person.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2006): I think if you live long enough or have more than just one serious romantic relationship in your life you will come to realize that love really never has to go away in a relationship and often there is a fine line between love and hate....this relationship ended for the two of them a long time ago, it may have been due to bad timing, being at a crossroads in both their lives that made the relationship no longer viable....and they had to move on....This does not mean that either he or his ex will ever rekindle their romance, but how would you feel if the situation were reversed? What if the two of you spend years together and then break up, would you have to hate him so much that you would want to rip his image out of your brain and heart forever? Usually, with some passage of time, you can fondly look back on a past love and be at peace with both the end of the relationship and with that person, and if you shared any good times at all, you may want to hang onto a photo or a card or a letter to remind you of your past and that yes, you were loved and this person left an indelible footprint on your heart and is part of your history, your journey through life.
Please respect that your boyfriend has a past which includes loving someone before you, it shows he is a sentimental guy and BTW a good person.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2006): h, although i know some people do chuck memorabilia out, im one of those who dont. it's the remembrnace of good times in the past even though i may not like the person anymore; good times frozen in the past - they may seem completely different now (horrible and arrogant), but hey those were the times. dont worry =)
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2006): If he was intentionally hiding this from you I don't think he would have asked you to look for something that may result in you finding it! For him to have you go through that stuff, to me, seems like he's either completely forgotten about it or he knows it's there but it's totally inocent - either way, it doesn't seem to be a problem.
Don't worry about it - talk to him if it's really bothering you, but I'm sure he loves you not his ex - she is an ex for a reason, remember!
Good luck...
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female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (14 December 2006):
 Oh, I think you're just fine.
I know I have a whole BOX of things from one of my ex-boyfriends. I keep it because they're happy memories I had with someone who was really great to me. Not because I'm still in love with him or anything - and he's not in love with me! But I read those notes from time to time and they make me smile.
I don't know your boyfriend, but if he's like everyone I know - he just keeps that picture for the memories.
Don't worry, sweetness.
xxIndia
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2006): I have stuff that holds sentimental value to me throughout the years I've spent time, effort, and emotion on my past companions. I even have stuff from my most recent ex that had caused me a lot of emotional grief. It wouldn't mean I love them anymore.
The thing is, love cannot be measured numerically, nor can it be measured by a set of actions alones. So there is no such thing as loving an ex a little bit. I might have lingering emotions of desire, vengeance, and raw sexual lust, but as I said, they're lingering, and as time moves on, that lingering feeling gets diluted with the rest of the influences the world comes at you with.
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female
reader, Sally R. Cinnamon +, writes (14 December 2006):
 Dear Howtocope,
I don't really see why he should throw them away? I keep pictures and messages from old relationships, they remind me of happy times. If he spent 8 years of his life with this girlfriend, he doesn't surely need to erase all of it? This person was an important part of his life.
I don't think there's a deeper meaning behind it that he still loves her or anything like that. Honestly. He might just like to hang on to the note. There's also the possibility that he has simply put the note somewhere and not ever bothered to do anything with it and not thought about it at all.
Either way, I think it would be cruel of you to expect him to destroy something that might have emotional meaning and good memories attached to it. That's not the same as still being in love.
-Sally
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