A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Why does my bf get upset if I ask questions about his drug user past? He's pretty open about it and it almost sounds like he's proud of all the experience he has with drugs but as soon as I ask questions like how many times a day he used to shoot or when did he stop doing cocaine, he thinks I'm judging him and doesn't want to talk anymore. I feel like if he brings it up, I should be able to ask questions. I wouldn't be with him if he was still doing it and I'm with him for who he is now, not who he used to be. But I'm curious. I feel like if he can't deal with the questions, then he shouldn't bring up this topic.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2012): It's the way you approach the subject OP. I took every drug under the sun for about ten years and loved it for the most part, I was never addicted and they never caused any major issues other than some extremely embarrassing incidents. You're asking the wrong questions and forcing him to face the negatives by doing so.
"I feel like if he can't deal with the questions, then he shouldn't bring up this topic."
First off that's a very judgemental attitude don't you think? Very patronizing sounding statement. Just because someone is willing to talk about something doesn't mean they're going to like invasive questions on the topic. Just because a rape victim likes to talk about their experience doesn't mean they want to be asked if his penis tore them open or what his breath smelled like. No, they most likely want to highlight the strength they had to pull through an invasive medical exam, a horrible police interview, having to recount it in court and how they rebuilt their life. You know, focus on the positives as a way to cope and move on. Just because someone likes to talk about their experiences in a positive light doesn't mean their fair game for invasive questions that force them to recall how bad it actually was.
OP what is the main thing that defines a junkie or alcoholic, the primary difference between that and a casual fun user? It's the frequency of usage and the amount used isn't it? So while you're not judging him by asking him how much he used you're forcing him to judge himself and look back on all the money and time he wasted on it. You're shoving it in his face how bad he actually got, even if you do so unintentionally. Would you ask an alcoholic how many bottles of wine they drank a day? Why? So you can remind them how fucked they were?
OP we all like to romanticise the past to a certain degree, most of us like to put a positive spin on bad experiences, something to give us comfort and cope. He's not giving a glowing reference to his drugs use, he's trying to see it in a more positive light as a coping mechanism and you're being invasive and negative about it even if it is unwittingly.
He doesn't look back on it with fondness at all OP, he just likes to focus on the positives and the good times. Just because he sounds casual doesn't mean that's how he views it and you know from asking him that there are a lot of elements of this that are painful and shameful for him and the amount he used is one of those things.
Let him remember his past the way he wants to remember it he is not proud of all his experiences, he's had some very fucked up times and did some awful shit on drugs, wasted a lot of money, messed over plenty of people, lost friends, lost part of his mind and changed as a person, any long term user can tell you the same things.
Please try and get rid of that "he shouldn't bring it up if he can't handle being questioned" attitude OP, that is very judgemental. Like you have some kind of right to force him to see things negatively, well you don't and he shuts down when you approach it with that kind of attitude, so all you're doing is forcing him to be afraid to talk about that part of his life with you because he knows you're going to put a negative spin on it.
Sometimes it's better to just listen to someone OP and if you want to ask questions stay away from the drug use itself, it's highly irrelevant and just ask him positive questions related to what he's talking about. He may be recounting a time he talked to his landlord while high or something talking about some fun time he had, probe him on that and ask him light hearted questions, "did he not notice you were monged, you must have been terrified" etc.
If you keep pushing him to talk about this in an invasive way then he's going to shut down completely about that entire period of his life OP, and I'm sure that's not the effect you want to have. Let him approach this the way that he feels best and honestly if you can't handle not knowing all the dirty little details then you're with the wrong guy.
A
female
reader, Jovian Erinys +, writes (13 December 2012):
 Probably because he is not really 'proud' of his past and maybe he is just talking about his drug experience to get things off of his mind or really accept that part of him - on his own terms. That's important that you understand he handles his past on his own terms and in his own way whether it makes sense to you or not. The fact that his excessive drug use in the past controlled him in every way, now, he wants to regain that control and talk about his past with HIM controlling how it is told and what is told. Sometimes, it's best to just listen...he'll open up more and more as you just listen.
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