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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Why does monogamy exist? I don't get it. A lot of people - men and women - cheat. I've not been cheated on, but I see it happen often. It's often been said humans are not monogamous by nature, and I guess it's true. I get that people need love and everything, but then why aren't we all in open relationships? What's the use of monogamy? Why does romantic jealousy exist? What's the point of romantic jealousy? Wouldn't all of us be happier if we weren't jealous and were in polygamous relationships? What do you all think?
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (12 February 2010):
 I don't believe that humans are not monogamous by nature. Almost as soon as a person realizes that members of the opposite sex are desirable they start to try to tie one to themselves. This is why it is so hard to talk teenagers into dating around. The natural inclination is to throw their whole soul into the first person who shows interest in them. We see it every day here on Dear Cupid. "We've been together 3 weeks and now he is cheating." Just think about how you feel about the word "Cheat".
There exist swingers, and open marriages, and polyamory, and even polygamy. But, for the vast majority of us humans it just doesn't work. More often it is an experiment that goes horribly wrong.
The theory is that because we are tempted to cheat that we aren't monogamous. Most cheaters are not interested in multiple partners, They simply want to exchange one monogamy for another.
There are of course some exceptions. But to say that we are not monogamous flies in the face of the majority of the evidence.
Having said all that I would like to add that I always enjoy reading Bharat Mehtas posts. Usually I have to read them slowly twice to get it all. His points about jealousy in this one are very good. Jealousy is a negative emotion that destroys love. Not an evidence of love.
FA
A
male
reader, bharat mehta  +, writes (12 February 2010):
 Thanks. You start very interesting topic. Monogamy as a system, is perfect as unit of family. And, family is not only good for children, but more, family serve as a unit of cognitive power. You see, doctor's children are doctor, artist's children are artist, is a normal pattern. Yes, family is like a transmitting belt of knowledge and culture also. There is a lot to say in favor and also against such system, being more orthodox and hurting, it also transmit criminal gang up. Anyway, as a system it required lot of creative correction.
but, heart of of your post is this;"Why does romantic jealousy exist? What's the point of romantic jealousy? " Love and hate is duality. Jealousy is negative feeling, over possessiveness, almost block the freedom. But, many time jealousy is taken as a standard to check the existence of 'love' also. But, it kill all possibility of good love.
The root of jealousy is fear. Conversely root of love is life, sense of freedom, and everything good about life.
Unfortunately, our vision about sex is mixed with good and bad. Sex is hold as all dirt, all impure, and so on. Such conclusion is drawn from perceptual vision, and not from conceptual vision. In fact sex is root of all good also. It is root of reason, freedom, love, etc.
We all have possibility to reconcile these duality. Tantra is science that work to refine our crude emotion. Tantra can make our love all pure, free from all negative, which is jealousy, because tantra is unitive system of thought. Modern humanity need Tantra. We all need tantra, but it is never acknowledged yet, but some scholar as has started to recognized its worth.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2010): No-jealousy polyamory would cause about 90% of the women in the tribe to want to take turns screwing about 10% of the most desirable men.
Pretty soon the women would start competing with each other over which one of them those few guys like best. There goes the solidarity & friendships between the women.
Meanwhile the other 90% of guys would start to get sick of doing all the work in the society for so little reward, and throw down their tools and revolt at the whole lot of the women & other men . . .
The polyamory setup turns thing into a total mess pretty quickly.
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A
male
reader, Illithid +, writes (12 February 2010):
 Monogamy exists for two reasons: to make sure children have two dedicated parents instead of a game of hot potato with no one even knowing who the father is, and because if relationships are fluid, there's a good chance you'll be alone when you get older and less attractive.
Personally, I want one woman to be my best friend, to know me, to grow old with me, and raise kids with me.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (11 February 2010):
 A lot of us are going to have kids. The law binds a couple together so both parents are responsible for their own kid. Without such law there would be full of dead beat dads. I don't think polygamy works. My boyfriend and I work out a schedule so we will see each other enough each week. I can't imagine having boyfriend no. 2 and boyfriend no. 3 without neglecting one of them. It would just give me a headache. Then the 3 guys are going to ask me who do I like best. It's human nature to play favorites so someone is gonna get hurt. I kind of like the idea of growing old with someone because we share a life, a direction. A relationship can only be deep when there is no scattering of attention. I believe people cheat because they rush into relationships with the wrong kind of people, and are too cowardly to leave. As we mature we find out what we want in a mate.
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A
male
reader, escribanus  +, writes (11 February 2010):
 I think is has a relation with evolution, natural and social.
This is a great topic for discussion.
I think it has evolved as a strategy of the weaker ancestors. As the can not fight with the stronger males, the became opportunist, They helped females with the rising duty and have more chances to get sex while stronger males were hunting of fighting.
I think that the evolutionary deal was I have your children in exchange of your commitment of giving me all your support to raise all mi children. Both wanted monogamy from the other and some freedom for me. Men wanted women to be faithful but to keep the freedom to have as much women as the can. Women wanted some men to be faithful but to keep the freedom to have the children from the best gifted men.
When it got establish, there were less violence caused by sex need.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (11 February 2010):
Around about 50% of people cheat. So the other 50% don't. Some cheating happens because there are lousy people around. Some cheating happens because people are very unhappy. So make a good choice in a male and put your effort into your relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2010): I think monogamy is exclusively for really high quality devoted people who have a higher purpose in life, and they fulfill that purpose together, whether it is a business, or a creating a great family.
I was cheated on recently. The betrayal is horrible. But really what bothers me is the jealousy. My ego has been hurt. Truthfully, I should let this man be what he wants. And I should be what I want, honorable and true.
I hate that I have to leave him, I love him, but frankly, I have to accept that he wants to have sex with other women. Fine. But as for me, I am better off on my own.
Frankly, it is better to be noble. No matter how much pain it costs you. The rewards are inner qualities that will always give a person a sense of satisfaction and elevation.
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