A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Tell it to me straight people I especially need some advice from The menI'm seeing a man it's been about a month maybe once a week, but we go way back there's history.We've had three sleepover dates and lots of making out but I won't let him sleep with me yet. The thing is Thoth he's really respectful about it. So he often stays away from me physically all together which is not great :(I told him I like him he said he likes me back.The other morning when we woke uP things got more physical which was nice but I still feel like I'm initiatingHe doesn't really call me we mainly text and often those are my initiations again. I invited him to a party Last night and he did show up but he kinda kept his distance. Never complimented me on my appearance either :( Why is he even hanging around I'm sooooo confused. I don't want to ask him because I don't want him to think I'm pressuring himHe was divorced last year and there is some drama thereWe have the greatest chemistry though-I'm in love with him actually and it's really killing me I think he knows how deeply I feel. Any suggestions??
View related questions:
divorce, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Kyle007  +, writes (8 April 2012):
Just wish you good luck. Tell him what you want as far as attention from him, make agreements as to how to proceed, and he will either be on board or he won't. I hope it turns out well for you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2012): Original Poster Here with UPDATE
He called me over the weekend to get together. First Friday but I had plans.. then he asked me over Saturday and I went.
I think he falls into his own little world alot, but at the same time it's hard on me.
We did sleep together (in every sense of the word) It was really special for me but I dont know if It was for him and the next morning i had to get up for class so there was no time for chit chat. AS of today, I have not heard from him at all. But him dissapearing and reapering is kind of his MO.
Any more thoughts people?
...............................
A
male
reader, Kyle007 +, writes (23 March 2012):
NOW we are getting somewhere.
I can understand that fear. You are afraid that all he wants is sex. And there are enough "love them and leave them" kind of guys out that to warrant that fear in many women.
I think its safe to say that a similar thing goes on in men's heads in that "All she wants is my attention".
Now, its possible that you are trying to give him enough sexual interplay to keep his attention, but the problem is it seems not to be working anymore.
You have no way of knowing if his interest in you is purely sexual or not, because you "opened that door" too soon.
And now, he may even be afraid of his own sexual urges, because he knows now that if he gets close to you its going to end up in a frustrating situation. So in his mind, he is afraid to initiate anything at all. Because you have taken complete control over the sexual aspect of your relationship. You control when to start, when to stop, and how far. So its safest for him to let you make all the moves lest he get too sexually aggressive because he knows you don't want to go all the way.
I don't know what his plan is. All I can do is tell you the consequences of your actions. They have to be looked at, no matter how hard it is to confront.
Luckily, men want attention too. So why not start there? Give him the attention that you want him to give you. Make a phone call, so you are not in physical proximity and the sexual temptation aspect is gone. If he still does not seem interested, then he is of no use to you no matter how that lack of interest came about. But if he can reciprocate attention, then you may have something there, and maybe you can both come to an understanding about the sex part of your relationship some time in the future.
Give him the attention that he needs. Your mistake was giving him the hope of sex instead of doing that.
By doing this, you can untangle what you have done and hopefully untangle what's going on with him, whatever that may be.
Hope this helps. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2012): Ok that's a good answer.
As a woman it's hard because you think all they want is sex and after that it's over :(
I'll try and think differently maybe
...............................
A
male
reader, Kyle007 +, writes (23 March 2012):
OK look, whether you are the OP or not, even a great BJ is foreplay. In his mind he is most likely dying to sleep with you. This is torturous for him and is going to lead to all sorts of weird behavior on his part. And whether or not you can understand that yourself, its a simple thing about men that you do need to understand. If the clothes come off, he expects sex. I don't know how much clearer I can be about that. Maybe you don't think that way, but the vast majority of men do, and you have to deal with how HE is feeling, not the way you think he SHOULD feel.
You wanted advice from the men, and you wanted it straight. There it is. You can operate off some other real or imagined analysis of the situation, but to the best of my knowledge, and in the interest of you resolving this situation, in the depths of my soul and heart of hearts, resolving things with him starts with this.
Good luck, and I hope you can focus more on learning from what I am saying and less on trying to justify your actions. The bottom line is you really do have a problem here, and you need to look at what you might have done to create this situation.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2012): I don't have an ID I've never used this before
It's all anon
I was being silly with the slang
...............................
A
male
reader, Kyle007 +, writes (23 March 2012):
Again, when you log in with the same user ID you used to post the question, and then do the followup, a message highlighted in yellow comes up saying "this has been verified as the original poster of this question". Anyone could claim they are the original poster, even I could log in anonymously and make that claim. There is a system in place to prevent bogus followups. I am posting this more for the reader's benefit.
Oh, a line from that posting:
I should talk to him y'all are right
Don't know many Canadians who say y'all. That is Southern American slang.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2012): I am the ORIGINAL poster!
KYLE- If I told you I gave him the best blow job of his life...would that suffice? Would it make him happy? Im being blunt here because otherwise you guys seems to get confused.
Anon female that wants to talk...that would be great! but I dont have your contact info.
...............................
A
male
reader, Kyle007 +, writes (22 March 2012):
I need to amend the answer:
I noticed that the "anonymous female" is not verified as being the original poster. Could the original poster please log in (and still post anonymously) and let us know if that is really you who wrote that followup?
...............................
A
male
reader, Kyle007 +, writes (22 March 2012):
You wrote:
We have done other things in bed just not intercourse.
OK, so this just means its even more severe. Lets see, how can I put this?
You've invited him over to look at the cookie jar. You have shown him how lovely the cookie jar looks, and even let him take a look inside and see what kind of cookies are in there. And you have told him, maybe, maybe some day he may be able to stick his hand in there and grab a cookie. And you have said "no cookies" three times!
Now you want him to forget all about the cookies and focus on how wonderful you are.
PerhapsNot wrote:
No, you shouldn't be sleeping with him as Kyle suggested.
PerhapsNot is only partially right about what I said. The bottom line is if you really don't want to sleep with him, do the decent thing and cut the guy loose. I don't know, maybe even apologize to him for messing with his mind like this?
There is NOTHING WRONG with wanting to have sex, especially when it is being paraded right in front of your face!
Maybe you can learn a lesson from this, and never ever do this to a man every again.
Lastly, he is really to be commended for his self-control. The next guy you do something like this to may very well rip the cookie jar right out of your hand, tie you in a chair while he eats every last cookie in the jar and knocks you unconscious by bonking you on the head with it.
This practice is not just rude, it can end up DANGEROUS.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2012): Hi hun..I just wanted to send you a message even though I don't have any answers myself. Basically I am in the same situation minus the fact that we don't have a histroy together. This guy is driving me nuts..I keep thinking maybe it's becuase I got too physical (sexually) with him way too soon and I can't forgive myself for doing this because I feel as though this is where we started to go downhill. But I know that a lot of guys wouldn't judge us in any way if we do or don't sleep with them too soon or too late. I mean if the guy is into you he should try and figure things out and not jsut back off. So people told me about that book "He's just not that into you". But I kept thinking he was until I did something maybe? I keep questioning myself. It's driving me crazy..exaclty how you feel too. I wish that I could just figure it out so I could move on. Why don't you message me personally and we can talk about it some more if you would like. Not sure how much good it would do since both of us are confused. I really had fun with him going out and he still continues to ask me out so I get confused why he doesn't call and it's just manily texts and sometimes doesn't ask me out. I am wondering if it's over? or even if it's not completely over maybe I should just think of it as that so I could move on. It's sad cause I really liked him. Hun if you want to talk some more message me in my email box. Maybe we can help each other. We are coming from the same place..
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2012): Your teasing him, your having sleep-overs but not having sex. He's probably extremely frustrated and waiting for you to say yes.
If you don't want to go 'all the way' dont have him at your house overnight, its giving the message your just playing with him.
Every time you initiate contact he probably thinks 'wahey tonights the night'
He is only interested in sex by the sound of it, he isnt chasing you, your doing all the running.Stop initiating contact, sit back,keep busy, wait and see what happens.
...............................
A
female
reader, CANDY61 +, writes (22 March 2012):
I met a guy once and I thought he really liked me to have a relationship but come to find out he liked me so much until he just wanted me to be his friend so we'll still friends after 8 years. At first I thought I had it going on because he was flirting with me, coming by my house and I just knew this was the man for me but he only wanted a shoulder to cry on because he was divorced for over a year and was having a hard time moving on because he didn't want no one but his ex-wife even tho she was living with another man.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2012): Ok I feel like I left stuff out and may have not been thorough
We have done other things in bed just not intercourse. Trust me he's not unhappy there.
He was a gentleman at the party and I told him he didn't have to come out
He did anyway
I should talk to him y'all are right
...............................
A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (22 March 2012):
 You have been seeing him for ONE month, once a week. That means you've seen him a total of 4 times! No, you shouldn't be sleeping with him as Kyle suggested, nor should you be having sleep-over parties. Sorry, he just doesn't seem that interested.
If it has only been a month and you're the one rowing the boat. If he cannot show you his interest by taking you out and initiating contact in very beginning of your romantic relationship, can you imagine how he will be in the future? He's probably hanging around because he is hoping that you'll put out in one of your future sleep overs when you initiate.
...............................
A
male
reader, Kyle007 +, writes (22 March 2012):
Sorry, but if you don't want to go all the way with someone, you shouldn't have a "sleepover date" and you have had three of them? He is letting you do all the initiating because you are probably confusing the hell out of this man and he is now terrified to make any sort of move whatsoever because he has no clue what to expect.
Personally, I would have bailed by now if I were him. This is CRUEL. And he may be trying to bail in a passive way. This is the position you have put him in.
I usually wouldn't be so blunt, but at this point you need to either #^(# the guy or set him free.
I feel sorry for him, I really do.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2012): Based on him ignoring you at the party I would guess he is not that interested in you overall. You need to talk to him and see what he feels about things. Don't
waste too much time.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2012): He's only slightly interested- you nor going all the way means nothing to him except that you're a tease. If he truly was interested he would be calling you, making dates, being around you and trying to make you feel happy. Hun, by your 30's you should have figured out this stuff already. Read this book, "He'sjust not that into you" .
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (21 March 2012):
 When men know that they can't go all the way (physically). They will be passive because kissing and making out get them going and make them frustrated. He maybe waiting for you to be more receptive. What are your plans for this man? A relationship? Your heart tells you you want him all to yourself but you want to go slow physically. That's all fine. If he doesn't know what you want you can't expect him to read your mind. Stating what you want is not pressuring. It is about weeding out guys who won't give you what you need.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2012): Because you are chasing down a man who is only slightly interested in you, that's why.
...............................
|
