A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been going out with my boyfriend for very nearly a year. We got together only about 2 weeks after his last long term girlfriend ended their relationship which is a fact that I only recently found out. That wouldn't really bother me (as I've been with him for a year now and I don't think rebound was an issue) but he has been a little defensive over the reams and reams of pictures of his ex girlfriend on his laptop. There aren't any really any indecent ones there, but I mentioned when I first saw them there that it kinda bothers me that he still has all of them right there, and occasionally they pop up on his desktop montage thing. A month ago he told me out of the blue that he deleted them all which I was quite shocked at - and quite happy really. This evening, however, I was having a look around on an old external hard drive for some movies and lo and behold all of the pictures which he told me he deleted have been recently placed onto there, by the looks of the modified dates about a month ago. Should I be concerned? Why does he want to keep all of these pictures of her and them together? Why lie about it too? Personally when I have broken up from partners in the past I haven't really had any desire to keep photos of them - and would prefer to have the hard drive space.
View related questions:
ex girlfriend, his ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for all of your responses. I talked to him today about what I found and he told me that he had put them there to delete later as there are some scenery shots from when they went on a holiday which he wanted to keep. He apparently had been through his phone and playstation deleting pictures of her and he got tired by the time he got to his laptop. (I didn't even know there were pictures elsewhere too :s) He doesn't see the ex any more and hasn't been in contact with her that I know of since a month or two into our relationship. The contact which he did have was only a few texts here and there. I can say with quite a high degree of certainty that he isn't cheating on me with her or with anyone else because I don't think he is like that, and there is no way that he would have time to anyway. Everything feels different with this boyfriend and I can tell he is very much in love with me by the way he acts and cares about me.I wouldn't be surprised if he does have emotional baggage as I think they were together for over a year, and I think it ended because he was more serious about it all than her. I know I have emotional baggage from my last bad relationships, but I do manage to keep it under control most of the time. I was cheated on by numerous exes, so I can't help but be cautious when something doesn't seem to add up - but I have learned never to go looking for trouble anymore like I have in the past, as it usually ends in me overanalyzing like I am probably doing now! I'm not sure whether I believe that he put them on the hard drive to be deleted later, but if he has lied to me and he actually wants to hang onto some, I agree that it may just be so I don't get upset. I do wish he had told me the whole truth though, and I would have been completely fine with it if he were telling the truth that they were going to be deleted anyway. We tell each other pretty much everything else. I do wonder why it has been a month now and they are still there though... I agree with most of you that it's probably nothing and it's just memories but I do wish he hadn't bent the truth because I'm aware that I might start questioning other little things that he does now.Thanks again for your input :) What you've said makes sense and I've decided not to freak out about it.
A
female
reader, AgonyAunt-Kay +, writes (8 February 2011):
He may be keeping them as they are memories. like that awful school picture with your friends, you may not hang alround with those people anymore, but wont throw the picture!
its a hard subject, especially because of being with you so soon after his ex leaves him. but rebounded affairs usually last only 3-6 months, of just sex. but to be in a full on committed relationship its usually because of real feeling.
as long as he treats you right, and hes flashing the pictures off in your face, i wouldnt worry too much. it may just take time to rid of those memories.
good luck x
...............................
A
female
reader, kaiti30  +, writes (8 February 2011):
 I agree, When i saw pictures of my now finace, of him and his ex, and even pictures of her naked! i knew he was cheating on me.. Maybe that what your dealing with? I would just call him out on it say "either u open up to me, get rid of the pictures, or were over" guys always tend to respond better when u give them options, and be serious about it, but dont start in " we need to talk" that shuts guys off, id start more of"do you have a sec to talk?" do it in person, you can usually tell when a guys lies when he gets defensive and says things like "do u really think id do that?" or "do you think im a piece of shit?" then ask him, be like "we need to talk bout ur ex" then ask what u wanna know, make sur ehe understands.
Hope i helped! i know what your going through...
...............................
A
female
reader, Lexie88  +, writes (7 February 2011):
 He's either not over her completely or he still hasn't dealt with the break up and the fact that she left him. Even though it's been a year with you it's clear that his wounds still haven't healed completely. This doesn't however mean that your relationship with him is any less meaningful, it's just that he's got emotional baggage he's still carying around.
Why did he lie about deleting the pictures? Because he didn't want to upset you. So he moved them somewhere where he thought you wouldn't find them. He couldn't delete them completely because he's still not ready to let go.
I doubt very much that he still wants her. I think he's got issues with getting over the fact that she left him. How long were they together? Why did she leave?
Should you be concerned? You need to look at everything else around you. How does he treat you? Does he still see her? Does he keep in touch with her? If he treats you well, if you know that he loves you and wants the best for your future and if you know that the only connection he has with her are those pictures, then I would calm down and not freak out.
A few years ago I was dumped by this guy who I fell head over heals for. I met someone else a few weeks later and he's now my boyfriend. A year into the new relationship I still had pictures of the old guy burried somewhere on my computer. Why? Not because I wanted him anymore but because I couldn't let go of the fact that he ended it.
You can try and see why your boyfriend wants to hang on to those pictures, but if I was you I'd look at the big picture here and if all else is really good, then let him deal with this baggage on his own and in his own time.
...............................
A
female
reader, Lexie88 +, writes (7 February 2011):
He's either not over her completely or he still hasn't dealt with the break up and the fact that she left him. Even though it's been a year with you it's clear that his wounds still haven't healed completely. This doesn't however mean that your relationship with him is any less meaningful, it's just that he's got emotional baggage he's still carying around.
Why did he lie about deleting the pictures? Because he didn't want to upset you. So he moved them somewhere where he thought you wouldn't find them. He couldn't delete them completely because he's still not ready to let go.
I doubt very much that he still wants her. I think he's got issues with getting over the fact that she left him. How long were they together? Why did she leave?
Should you be concerned? You need to look at everything else around you. How does he treat you? Does he still see her? Does he keep in touch with her? If he treats you well, if you know that he loves you and wants the best for your future and if you know that the only connection he has with her are those pictures, then I would calm down and not freak out.
A few years ago I was dumped by this guy who I fell head over heals for. I met someone else a few weeks later and he's now my boyfriend. A year into the new relationship I still had pictures of the old guy burried somewhere on my computer. Why? Not because I wanted him anymore but because I couldn't let go of the fact that he ended it.
You can try and see why your boyfriend wants to hang on to those pictures, but if I was you I'd look at the big picture here and if all else is really good, then let him deal with this baggage on his own and in his own time.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011): Well, it may seem wierd, but maybe he simply wats to remember. The fact that he deleted them from the pc and transfered them to an old hard drive means he wants to focus all of his attention on you. But if he would delete those pictures, that would feel to much a waste for him. It's probably just nostalgia and nothing to worry about!
...............................
|
