A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for over 6 months and we are in love and live together. We have a really good and happy relationship apart from one thing. He would rather masturbate than have sex with me. Iv talked to him about it and he said that he just hasn’t felt like sex lately because hes been stressed about work and he smokes weed which makes him lazy but this has been going on for months. He said he would stop smoking so much and he has, but the situation hasn’t changed. He always masturbates in the morning while watching porn on his phone or laptop with the sound on mute while he thinks im asleep. I get so upset and angry and sometimes just cry silently. I have told him to wake me up in the morning and have sex with me if he wants to instead of masturbating but he never does cause he would rather do it himself. We only have sex about once a week and he cant stay erect very often. It makes me feel unattractive and worthless even though he has said that hes still very attracted to me. Iv even tried to make an effort and surprise him/seduce him but even then, he cant do it. I love him so much and want to have a normal sex life with him and I want to be close to him in that way but I dont know what to do to help him. He has also said that im needy which I dont understand. He tells me that when I want cuddles in bed. But some days hes the one who asks me for cuddles. Im not needy at all.....I just want to be close to him in that way. Is that too much to ask?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (31 May 2013):
 No, not too much to ask but wanting him to trade masturbation for a romp in the sheets might be a little too much pressure for now.Jerking off is a very personal activity.perhaps if you ask to watch so as to learn he might go along with that as a first step. The transition from private to shared is a traumatic one so have patience.
A
female
reader, R1  +, writes (21 May 2013):
 You've only been together 6 months and this behaviour has been going on for months?! Sounds like you've jumped into a bad relationship. Your boyfriend needs to sort out his drug issues and you need to work out what you really want from a relationship.
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A
female
reader, Pr3tty_in_pink86 +, writes (21 May 2013):
If you really want to work at this he needs to reboot his system so he can get used to being stimulated by real sex. Masturbating to porn is easier than real sex as it requires less thought about the other person, it is all about yourself.
"You have only been his girlfriend for six months. Masturbation was his primary source of pleasure before you came along. So it's a hard habit to break."
This is true, so watch out for people who haven't got laid in a while or ever. Just saying. It's a school girl error to think they are suddenly going to become uninterested in porn because they have a girlfriend, it happened to me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2013): The negative responses are usually the same. They offer little consolation and will not change male sexuality.
It is what it is. What a person chooses to do with his/her body is really their decision.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2013): Ask him to stop watching porn.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (21 May 2013):
 Honey, its the porn and his addiction to his hand. Its seems he cannot get turned on by a woman as he is so used to be self sufficient.
Unless he stops the porn and the masturbation, you are unlikely going to sex from him.
You need to decide whether he is worth fighting for or just run for the hills as this problem is not going away until he admits there is a problem and willing to stop.
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A
female
reader, HappyPlace +, writes (21 May 2013):
 Sorry, the article you need is "The Porn Myth" by Naomi Wolf (not Andrea Dworkin).
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A
female
reader, HappyPlace +, writes (21 May 2013):
He's got into the habit of pulling his plonker and he's got nothing left for you. You poor thing, what a terrible situation. If this goes on for much longer, you will lose respect and the intimacy will be gone - then you will be like brother and sister. Is this what you want? You must find the courage to talk to your man. Ask him to try an experiment and hope that he is willing. Ask him to not masturbate in the mornings to porn for say, a week (a month would be better). See if that improves the situation. You'll need to understand that if he's not willing to try, then there is no hope for your relationship. This problem is repeated throughout the world due to porn and there are lots of ladies left wanting. Andrea Dworkin wrote a wonderful article years ago in which she cited this very same problem. She spoke of a couple she knew that lived in a country where porn was NOT available and the women were covered up, so no tempations anywhere. She said the couple's bedroom was a hot bed of desire and lust which was palpable. How wonderful is that?It takes a wise and spirtually enlightened man to understand this. So, I will continue to say that porn is a scurge on our society, responsbile for divorce, heartache, loss of intimacy in a relationship etc, etc. It's a foolish man indeed that doesn't grasp this concept!!
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A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (21 May 2013):
 Read this site:
http://www.yourbrainonporn.com
It sounds like he has a porn addiction.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2013): Over time, you will come to understand more about a male sexuality. We are totally different biologically. Our approach to sexuality and emotion is totally different from a female.
Your attractiveness has nothing to do with his aversion to porn. Men find a different pleasure from self-stimulation. At his age, he may do it more frequently than he may desire intercourse. I can explain this until I'm blue in the face, but women will never get it.
I read vicious commentary from angry women that we're perverts, don't love our wives or girlfriends; or we are not satisfied with having sexual intercourse alone. Unfortunately, that is our nature.
I do agree that there is much to much availability and access to porn. It is unhealthy when it becomes a substitute for real intimacy. Guys who are alone a lot, and have only their devices for company; easily become attached. There is less performance anxiety, no complaints, and the results are always the same with masturbation.
However; some men don't require sexual intercourse everyday. We just prefer a quickie. So we masturbate.
It comes on spontaneously, and it's unexpected most of the time. Intercourse is boring when it becomes too routine; or there is little to no variation. Men are visual creatures; so porn is just a means to immediate gratification.
The visual fantasy appeals to a certain part of the brain, and creates a pleasure hormone the same as eating chocolate.
We don't have to masturbate to it, just appreciate the feeling of arousal; which is a type of high. There are many women who are very much the same; but less likely to admit it.
Masturbation lowers stress and there is always a happy ending. So don't bother trying to compete; unless you find your own little pleasure device.
You have only been his girlfriend for six months. Masturbation was his primary source of pleasure before you came along. So it's a hard habit to break. Your boyfriend is being selfish if he leaves you unsatisfied.
So it's time to lay down an ultimatum. If you continue to feel unsatisfied, you will have to end your relationship.
Masturbation also gets boring, because he needs kissing and caressing. He needs to feel a warm soft body, the scent of a woman, and he needs to feel her response to his touch.
If he continues to frustrate you sexually, kick him to the curb. You have already told him how it affects you and makes you feel. If he hasn't stopped, then you'll figure something out.
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