A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This really bothers me. We have been going out for awhile and we spend a lot of time together. Over the last couple of weeks he seems to go more and more often out by himself to the bar. I know he needs time alone and stuff, but it is so foreign to me and makes me feel a little left out. Today he was supposed to come over, something came up at work and he said he needed to stay later, so he wouldn't come over. He texts me later and I find out he went to the bar by himself to unwind, which is fine, but I'm not crazy about the fact that he wasn't truthful from the start. As in he most likely knew he would be going to the bar after, but told me the reason he wasn't coming over was because of having to stay late at work not because he was going to the bar. Its not the fact that he went to the bar, its the fact that I feel like he was elusive about his actions. When I let him know I felt, he told me that he was by himself, didn't speak to anyone and that we didn't need to spend everyday together. I guess its foreign to me because my idea of unwinding is reading book or maybe sitting somewhere quiet enjoying a cup of tea/coffee. Am I crazy controlling?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want him to have a stress reliever, though in my opinion the bar is not a good place to do it as it can become a habit. I'm not upset cause he wanted alone time, I'm upset that he had a little bit of time to spare, he was planning to come over earlier, but told me he would be working late. He was able to finish up what he needed to do, spend almost 2 hours at the bar and get home at a reasonable time. He pretty much picked the bar over me, which he never used to do and I never do it to him either. He kind of lied about work making him late and that being the reason why he couldn't come over, yet the reason why he didn't come over was him being at the bar.
A
female
reader, MSA +, writes (21 July 2015):
 I understand how you feel because at times my boyfriend is like that too.Well, first of all, you need to recognize that how you choose to unwind most likely is NOT how he chooses to unwind. I don't believe he is doing something wrong behind your back, you need to trust him.I don't know how to put this nicely, so I'll just say it.. you appear a bit controlling when you expect him to tell you where he is going every minute and become upset because he decided to head to the bar after work and didn't tell you ahead of time. It's kind of like he has to FORESEE what he will be doing and report to you before he does it or you will find his actions elusive. I find that a bit harsh. Work must be stressing him out, he had to stay late, then afterwards decided to go to the Bar. Please try to be more trusting and supportive of him. You're his girlfriend, he counts on you to be there for him and not give him a hard time because he needs some time alone and failed to tell you in advance of his whereabouts. Would you consider writing him a card letting him know that you know he must be stressing over work and hope things get better? Let him know how proud you are of him and how much faith you have in him. If he likes to snack.. include a bag of his favorite snacks so he can munch on at work. Offer to grill up a steak for him after he spends some alone time at the Bar. Try to be as pleasant and supportive as you can... I know he will really appreciate it! Don't pressure him into telling you what's wrong.. make him feel comfortable and he will open up to you.Cheers!
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