A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have officially broke up with my bf of 4 years a few months ago but the feelings are still there and we still love each other a lot. We broke up because the future for us would be very tough together. I also found out that he's been on dating websites and sex dating websites, before we really broke up but after we decided that was no future. I confronted him about it but he didn't think that it was anything and said that we already broke up/decided to break up. I saw his profile on AdultFriendFinder and it was pretty harmless looking, nothing sleazy/flirty, but he put up a fake age. Since he put up a fake age, it doesn't seem like he intended to meet up the women from there but why does he do that? Is it for fantasy, for validation?Even though he said that he did it when we were already breaking up, he was still affectionate and we went on a trip and still had plans for the near future. It was like push and pull, somedays i felt like he wasn't like a bf and somedays he was loving and affectionate. When I confronted him about it, he said that nothing happened and it was better than what I did, which was to physically go out with guys. He thinks that going online like this was nothing compared to me physically going out. I thought it was totally different and that he was trying to divert the attention. I went out with guys as friends and with his knowledge and encouragement that I should mix around with friends, guys or girls. I also updated him on what happened during the outings and he knew exactly who I was with and where. And these guys knew I had a boyfriend. However, he went on sites like these and claimed to be single. He also said that nothing happened at all, which I believed because I did see that his smses were really harmless.I just couldnt understand why he did it. And we are unable to have a proper discussion about it without one of us getting angry or him getting defensive. He was such a good boyfriend, loyal, dependable, loving, my best friend and lover. I understand that the boundaries of such onine behaviours are different among couples. I'm sure he would find it wrong if I went on a dating or sex dating site, but why did he find it "nothing"? I can't get over it.
View related questions:
best friend, broke up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey Miamine, thank you. :)
"It's not only him, you agreed to trips and sex too.. you help keep the confusion going."
"..but you broke up for a reason, keep remembering that and try not to dwell on the other stuff."
That is so true. I realised again when I became rational that I was the one who kept wanting to be with him even though he has said we should break up.
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (6 February 2012):
 Thanks for the follow up.. I do understand you know, I've felt just exactly like you before.
That's why it's good to have clarity about these things. A boyfriend is a boyfriend, a friend is a friend, and an ex is an ex.... don't mix them up together, because it causes confusion and hurt. It's not only him, you agreed to trips and sex too.. you help keep the confusion going. But we are human, that's what we do.
Sorry babes, but you broke up for a reason, keep remembering that and try not to dwell on the other stuff. It gets better in the end, but yes we all have them bad days.
Take care of you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, thanks for your replies. I guess you are all right, I need to get over it and it's not of my business really.
I just felt hurt because even after we decided there was no future, he was still being affectionate, making plans with me, going on a trip with me, having sex with me, acting like a boyfriend.
But ok thank you for your reply, i just needed ot get this into perspective and move on once and for all. Most days I felt like i've moved on but yesterday it all came back and I felt so unjustified.
Thanks again!
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (5 February 2012):
But you two was breaking up, there was no future. You can't tell a guy your breaking up and then get upset by what he is doing. Break up means over, he's single, he doesn't have to ask your permission to go on dating sites.Break ups and rejection are hard for everybody. He probably needed something to help him feel wanted and help restore his confidence.He has done nothing wrong. If you want his faithfulness then you shouldn't have broke up with him. You have no right to question him about anything any more.You sound like you want to eat the cake and also keep it in the cupboard. Your not with him any more, but you still want to keep control.I would have told you to piss off and stop asking me about my private business, only the person I'm dating has the right to do that.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 February 2012):
 Oh he does not think " it's nothing ". He thinks- he knows- is something. He wants YOU to think it's nothing, or he wants you to think he thinks it's nothing :).
In simpler worlds, he knows he did wrong, but by acting so casual and " what's the big deal anyway " he wants to shift the blame on you, as if YOU are the one who is so paranoid clingy insecure etc. etc. to find fault in something that all normal people like him would find instead innocuous and innocent.
But, pardon me, why does it matter so much ? You broke up, why wasting time in rehashing old stuff, what good will it do ? Let the bygones be bygones and move on.
...............................
|
