A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I met this guy online about 6 months ago. He lives out of town but is in town every few months. The first time we met we hit it off and as we had been speaking for about 2 months there was definately some sexual chemistry. We slept together and had a good time.He then came back two weeks later and stayed at my place (bad move on my part) but I told him I didn't see the relationship moving on (too presumptious) and asked if he would prefer to stay in a hotel. He said no and pursued and we slept together. As the weekend progressed I sort of had feelings for him until our last date which wasn't all that great. About two weeks afterwards I started to miss him (but i think i was missing the thought of him) and we started talking again (no phone sex). Things were going along nicely, I thought I liked him one day and not the other. I am running so hot and cold it's not fair to him. Fast forward, he asked me if I wanted to go to Vegas and I said yes but on that same call I said let's take it a slow (mixed messages - I felt terrible). Apologized for sending mixed emotions and thought it would be best that we take a break from communicating. But, we were meant to meet up over the xmas holidays. We went for about a week without chatting and I was actually starting to feel better; not so anxious.He has since been in contact to tell me not to worry about p/u tickets for the game we were scheduled to see. His friend bought us tickets. I am getting really anxious about seeing him. I don't know if I like him. Or if I have build him up in my mind so much I am going to be disappointed. I am 10 years older than him and we are total opposites and live in different cities.My friends and him say just to go with the flow and stop overthinking. Just to relax and have fun...it's dating not marriage. I don't know if I have real feelings for him and am just scared? It's been some time since I have been in a relationship and usually run for the hills before things get to serious. Or, am I trying to make something there that isn't? I wonder if he's desperate (hasn't been in too many relationships either). Why does he still want to see me after I treated him so poorly? Help! Clarity, please.
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female
reader, marcia99116  +, writes (19 December 2010):
 I agree with your friends - you are dating. Allow yourself to enjoy what you are feeling and do not continue the relationship as if it was permanent. Enjoy his company but do not depend on him for anything other than a mate to go out with (and have sex with), kinda like girlfriends. Do you over think their purpose in your life? Do you question their motivates and intentions?
To me it sounds like you are both interested in one another but you do not know how to relax and seize the moment - you are busy trying to figure out if he is long term material. You do not have to have that answer. Just do not invest to much into him until you are ready to make a choice about a commitment. Dude, go to Vegas, do whatever - have fun! He didn't ask you to marry him or even be exclusive (although it seems like you are exclusive). He is not demanding anything from you other than your company. You do not have to give him your heart.
I started dating a guy last year and instantly knew he was the one. I still have my doubts and question myself all the time but am shocked that I love him. Maybe you are trying to close off your emotions so you will not get hurt - and loving/strongly desiring someone etc is an odd feeling. I have often struggled myself in the beginning to define what type of relationship we have. How much of being me would eventually get on his nerves? Etc. The point is I still contemplate why I love him and why I stay - still just as shocked that I do actually love him. The impulse on dwelling on his flaws and cutting him off is still a part of me but the other part says - your not perfect, knock it off. This is a struggle for everyone - more so in the beginning when everything is ill defined.
Good luck! Just let yourself relax, be yourself in full so he can decide if that is what he wants... and you can decide if his flaws and difference are something you can accept for... however long you decide :)
A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (19 December 2010):
 I don't think you've done anything all that bad. It's normal to not want to dive into something for fear of getting hurt, and it's normal to sort of waiver when you feel things getting too serious too fast. It sounds to me like he respects your concerns and interests in taking it slow but may be genuinely interested in you and that's why he's being patient with your back and forth. If your waivering isn't bugging him, then it shouldn't bug you. Try to just experience the dates for what they are and decide whether they're good upon reflection; don't become consumed with constantly evaluating as the date progresses, that'll lessen any guilt on your part. the whole point of dating someone is to try to make a human connection and you'd be defeating the purpose by overanalyzing and taking the emotional part out of it. just step back from your knee jerk interest in protecting yourself and let yourself go--allow yourself to have fun. Hope that helps.
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