A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello thereI've been dating my boyfriend for 6 years (A VERY on and off relationship mainly him breaking up with me every year for a month or couple of weeks). We have a good relationship other than the sex thing which we haven't done yet. We done everything else that we can think of together but not this. I feel like there's something wrong with me. The last time we tried he got really mad at me. He told me to go to bed and left the room. I ran after him after a few minutes and he told me to leave him the f^^ alone and go to bed. ^He also told me he would be sleeping on the couch that night. I told him that we shouldn't go to bed angry at each other and he told me to leave him the f^^^ alone which I got angry and upset to and slammed the door. He says I'm being very pathetic and just a big coward. I feel like there might be something wrong with me. I mean everyone else I know is doing it and enjoying it. His roomate thinks I should get it over with. During one of our breakups, he did have sex with another woman. I was hurt for quite a while as he recently told me a month or two ago but I got over with. I mean, I understand that he had needs at the time. My late mother was also really against sex with my current boyfriend - and generally sex before marriage. I want to perhaps invest in therapy or hypnotherapyOverall, I just want my boyfriend to be happy. By the way, we haven't moved in nor has he proposed (which is understandable). I wish he wouldn't get so ANGRY at me and would go slow and gentle. I'm just not sure if it's me or him. I just want to make it work, do I need therapy? Or should I just get it over with? Or am I just not ready (By the way, he doesn't believe thats the case to him theres no such thing as not being ready)? I'm 23 and going back to school to become an elementary school teacher.I should be old enough to feel ready (even friends that are younger than me are doing it so that doesn't make sense). Sigh.Any advice would be great! Thank you! ^___^!
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks. I totally agree with you adamantine! . Last time I saw him he was puking and looked really REALLY depressed....more depressed than I am. In fact, I never saw him that depressed before about ending our relationship. I think he knows he royally screwed up this time! Lol.
Right now, I think I'm just going to concentrate on other things like my education. Also, I'm going to improve myself in any way that I can so when there's a new guy in my life or my ex wants to take me back (with steak dinner), I will be a more mature and confident woman. Besides, it beats mopeing around.
A
female
reader, adamantine  +, writes (8 November 2011):
 You made the right choice.
But do you really want to be with someone who is going to pressure you into making decisions which you're unsure about? Honestly, you deserve so much more than that.
He says if you loved him you would have made the right choice. If HE loved YOU, he wouldn't be forcing you to make that choice in the first place! Gah. Men like this really bother me. He is being controlling and manipulative towards you. Ultimatums are wrong. Issues like this need to be discussed thoroughly, you don't just say things like "either we have sex or I'm outta here, cya".
Do you see how bad that is? If he's willing to leave you at the drop of a hat, who's to say that he won't leave you after you have sex with him? Then imagine how you would feel then, it would be a hundred times worse because you gave yourself to some guy who doesn't respect you.
I really pray that you forget about him all together. There is hope that you will find someone else. Just because you still love him, doesn't mean he is the only person you'll ever love. There is someone, somewhere out there for you who will love you in the same way you love them. But you won't find him if you're still stuck on this guy.
People in loving relationships don't take "breaks" or break up with each other. It's just an excuse. I wouldn't be surprised if he got his freak on during every break up.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the advice! ^___^.
Unfortunaly, my boyfriend gave me an ultimatium - either have sex with him or the relationship ends. It was a hard decision, but I said no to the offer because I didn't feel right to have sex when backed into a corner. I didn't feel loved or appreciated when given an ultimatium. He said okay, I guess you don't actually care about the relationship that's your choice and I hope you don't regret it. Apparently, if I loved him I would of made the right choice. Also, I should of just caved into the pressure - most people would apparently. I'm currently very sad that we had to part but we still do talk to each other. He would like to get back together in the later future but I'm not sure. Unless he's shown that he's grown up a bit, than I would consider taking him back. Just not right now. I felt incredibly hurt because that's not what lovers do - pressure each other and put each other into corners. I still love him, and I always will. But right now, I think I should look forward to other things like my education. I felt that I did make the right decision given the situation - but I also think that maybe I should of just caved in - I could still have him. . Sigh.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2011): "The last time we tried he got really mad at me. "Are you leaving something out here? Most people don't typically get upset and decide to sleep on the couch just because they attempted sex. Do you ask for sex and then say you don't want it repeatedly? Are you giving instructions during the moment?Here's the thing with sex: it's very hard to do if one person has ambivalent feelings or is controlling about it. If you're not comfortable with it, your partner won't be either. They might lose their erection, they might lose interest in it all if the whole event becomes an orchestrated operation or the event becomes centered around your insecurity.Does that mean he should call you a pathetic and a coward? No. In fact from the way you describe him he doesn't sound very mature or understanding. It might be that you don't want to have sex with him in particular given your long touch and go history with him; i would understand if that were the case too. If you're not ready, you're not ready and he should respect that. However, if you're saying you're ready and then once you get into it, then you say you're not ready and this scenario happens over and over, then I could understand his frustration. If you are asked to engage sex and then repeatedly rejected it can be fairly humiliating...I think you need to be very clear to him and yourself about whether or not you want to have sex. Sex is important to people as you yourself can understand, and if you don't want to have it, then perhaps this isn't the relationship with you. If he calls you names or curses you out when angry; i think that's another reason not to have sex with this guy. Therapy isn't a bad idea; but I would do it for you, not to please this guy.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 November 2011):
 If you were afraid of sex in general , then therapy would be a helpful option. But I think you are only hesitant to have sex with this guy, and with reason. I think you simply have this subconscious little voice inside that says : red flag red flag red flag.You probably just would like to have sex with someone you can TRUST and feel cherished and respected by. " Love " only ( your love !) is not enough. This guy has been treating you badly, and the relationship as always been on shaky grounds. 6 years of on and off, are you kidding me ? How can anybody feel secure and appreciated with someone so fickle ?There is nothing pathological in wanting to share yourself only with someone who understands you and loves you back and does not play games. It's a personal choice, not a mental disease ! While at 23 probably in other girls their sexual tension and curiosity would have been stronger than their gut feelings ... remember,curiosity killed the cat.
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reader, adamantine +, writes (5 November 2011):
There is such thing as not being ready. If you even have to ask yourself that question, you're not ready, because you'll know in your heart and in your mind that you want this person to be your first.
Do you love him? Can you see yourself living with him in the long term? Do you care about him? Does he love YOU? Does he care about YOU?
From what you've written, it seems he doesn't.
In my opinion, I don't feel that you should have sex with him. I think there is a reason you haven't had sex yet and it's because you know somewhere deep in your heart that he isn't right for you.
If you're scared you won't find someone else, don't be. Just know that there are so many guys out there who would be willing to treat you like their queen, and will not berate you and tell you to f off.
I was going to wait until marriage to have sex like you too, but my ideas slowly started to change when I found someone who is perfect for me in every way. We are in a loving, caring relationship and I know he would never do anything to hurt me. He was my first, and hopefully my last.
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