A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I met a guy about 6 months ago, and from the very first conversation we had, our chemistry was great and we got along wonderfully. For a long time, we would see each other maybe once every couple of weeks (in group settings), but the connection was always there. A little over a month ago, we went on a four-day trip with our friends, and got really close, spent a ton of time together, had really good conversations and did a lot of cuddling.Since then, we have texted about 5 days a week, usually for 2-3+ hours, and at least run into each other at college once a week and talked for a few minutes in person, and sometimes a lot longer than that. We've hung out in group settings quite a few times, too. We get teased a lot by our mutual friends and I've always thought it was understood between us that we like each other even though we've never spoken about it. But the other day, when we were texting after we'd hung out with one of our other friends, I suggested that we should do something together (I didn't specify what), just me and him. He said yes, but that the others (our other friends) could come along too. That was my covert way of asking him on a date, and I don't understand his response at all. Is he just into me as a friend? If so, what was with the cuddling?? Did he not understand what I was suggesting?If anyone has some sort of insight as to what he is thinking or feeling, it would be much appreciated!
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (2 June 2011):
 Thanks so much, for following up.
I want to remind you that keeping what you have is sending a message, that what you have is acceptable. Since what you have is not acceptable to you, that is also dishonest.
About talking about "relationships": That is a scary thing for guys. Asking to talk about it could just scare him off. So it is best to approach the subject obliquely (from a side angle), rather than directly. Rather than a planed conversation, just sneak it into things you are already talking about. For example if he invites you to "hang out" with friends, you could mention that you would rather have a quiet dinner with him. That kind of comment could be passed in text as well as in person.
The trouble with texting is that it is incomplete communication. It is only the words the emotional content is masked. That is why we say never to discuss anything important via text. If you wanted to talk to him about his future plans, or about what he is looking for in relationships, do it in person. two reasons: One, he will be less likely to give you a flip answer. Two, you will be more able to determine which goals are the most important to him.
Another thing that you should think about is that for guys physical intimacy (cuddling) is easy. Emotional intimacy (talking to you alone about serious subjects) is hard. For women it is the other way around. So you may be reading too much into your cuddling, and he is likely reading too little.
You texting frequency indicates that you are on his mind a lot. Unless you are initiating all the conversations.
I do believe that we need more information to help you more.
FA
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to both of you!I've decided to do a compromise between your two answers... at this point I'm not ready to beg, but I also don't want to play hard to get, as he has become a close friend. I think cutting him off by refusing to talk to him would more likely backfire on our friendship than induce him to start a relationship with me.I'm going to text him less often and keep our conversations shorter, but as for seeing him in person, I don't think it would be honest to stay away when what I really want is to at least keep what we have... an additional question - if I bring up the subject of dating or relationships again with him, is it better to do so only in person?
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (1 June 2011):
He is ducking commitment. You tested, He failed.
I don't personally understand why a young man would turn down an opportunity to go on a date with a girl whose company he enjoys. The concept is foreign to my "old Man" way of thinking. But, I understand that it is pretty common these days. Guys are more comfortable with "hanging out".
I think you have extended yourself far enough. It is time to let him know that there is a price for your attention. Commitment to you and your emotional needs is the price. The message you want to send is that you are hurt by his refusal. You aren't willing to accept a half way relationship. You are busy looking for a better man.
The way you send that message is by cutting texting short, by making meetings brief, and by not accepting "hang out" invitations. Back in the day we would call it "playing hard to get." What it really is, is "getting what you want", or "not settling."
Sorry Drew, I don't think she should beg.
FA
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A
male
reader, Drew21  +, writes (1 June 2011):
 I think my response to "our other friends could come along too" would be to STRONGLY imply that you'd rather it just be the 2 of you..
It could be that he's nervous or scared. Could be that he's really not interested.
The only way to figure out for sure is to talk to him about it. Tell him you feel like you have great chemistry, and you were thinking that maybe, possibly, you could try going on a date sometime. See what his response is?
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