A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I broke my crush's trust and maybe his heart. I was dishonest with him and kind of deceitful and lead him on. Some of his friends found out about it and since he has an ego and seems to care what they think that made it worse.A few weeks after the incident I tried reaching out to him, apologized, and tried to make things right. The next day I wake up, go online and see he has shared what I shared with him to one of his buddies. If ppl weren't sure or knew who he was upset with or talking about he also posts my name and disses me. I understand what I did was wrong, but I also don't like and feel bad for him saying that about me. Plus I was just apologizing, showing him I care, and trying to make things right. In your opinion is this a form of cyberbullying? Is he purposely doing and saying those things to hurt me, and how should I respond?!
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male
reader, mrmedicine  +, writes (4 June 2011):
First, you have to change your attitude. Read what you said in your first paragraph. Maybe you didnt mean it the way it was written but you say "I was dishonest with him and kind of deceitful and lead him on. Some of his friends found out about it and since he has an ego and seems to care what they think that made it worse."
Let me give you a little lesson about people: WE ALL care about what people think of us--WE ALL have ego's. By you saying "since he has an ego and cares what others think", you're implying that he's insecure and needy. He's not. We all want our friends to think nice about us and those that we dont care about, those are the ones that we dont care what they think. So you need to find some sensivity for the next guy you meet, so if you're not happy and decide to end the relationship, you do it the way you would want it done to him.
Also, I wouldnt think about ignoring him. Ignoring is one of the worse things you can do to someone. It's a form of emotional abuse and makes that individual feel devalued. If this is the way you feel, chances are you apologized, but you didnt follow through on your apology. Anyone can apologize. But there are three steps to apologizing. . Think of it as "The Three A's" First A: APOLOGIZE-you want to show genuine remorse."I'm sorry. I realize I did that, it was hurtful" Second A- ACCEPTING RESPONSIBILITY- "I understand the impact that it had on you. I get that when i misled you, I wasnt thinking of the consequence and it caused you distress and I really apologize." Third A: MAKING AMNENDS- We need to make a meaningful amend when we apologize. We need to carry that person in our minds and ask ourselves what would be meaningful to them to tell them that we are genuinely sorry.
Of course at your age you never thought of this.. so take this as a learning experience. I see too much sympathizing for you when you need to realize that his friends dont think about you 24 hours a day so no need to feel humiliated. You say "I understand what I did was wrong, but I also don't like and feel bad for him saying that about me." So then chances are your apology was not that sincere, was it? You're more concerned that he retaliated than ACCEPTING RESPONSIBILITY and MAKING AMMENDS.
See how THE THREE A's WORKS? He did to you what you did to him- even though your intentions were not to have his friends find out- guess what? It did.
iT'S never too late if you truly are sorry. Follow through on the second and third A's and you'll see how he'll go back to his friends and say nice things about you. He'll fix what he did and you would fix what you did, and in the end, you'll both feel better. Let me know how it turns out. Good Luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2011): He probably felt quite humiliated by your actions in the first instance and he is just retaliating which is understanable. It might be best to just ignore him for a while until he has finished venting as anything else you contribute, might also be shared with others. Try not to worry about it too much as any signs of discomfort from you might only serve to make him 'turn up the gas' if he knows it is getting to you.
You did wrong but you apologized, which is a good thing. Now
the more he carries it on now, the more he will end up damaging his own image. So let him get on with it alone! Just try not to play with peoples emotions anymore because as you can see, it hurts them and they really don't like it.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (1 June 2011):
 I do not blame you for being hurt. He betrayed your trust by sharing that post and potentially humiliated you. What he did was deliberate and I would have trouble trusting him after his episode of poor judgement
At the very least he should apologise. He can delete his message or his tweet, but others can copy and paste it right around the world in minutes.
You should be able to trust him. But he must feel hurt himself to intentially try to hurt you like that. But that does NOT justify his behavior. He really lack empathy and consideration for your feelings. If you have to speak to him again do it face to face and with a witness until he learns to grow up.
Yes, apparently you did hurt him a lot. But what he did was nasty. He was not there to see how shocked and hurt you felt at his nasty action. He had his few minutes of fun, but he was not authorised by you to share your message. It is something you could not imagine a 'friend' would do. Only a person who had no consideration for you as a 'friend'
Distance yourself from him after you have told him to his face (with a friend) beside you how much he hurt you. Remind him that you were just trying to make things right.
Don't debate the matter. Walk away from him. He's not yet mature enough to be your friend.
The rule should be this: whatever you write, think how you would feel if it ended up on the news tomorrow night, and a picture of your face splashed across the newspaper the next day. I you would not want the rest of the world to read it then think carefully and ensure whatever you write would pass that test.
Otherwise if a matter is very sensitive, then use safe forums like DC to raise it as a query (as you have done) so that good advice can be sought.
Or talk to the person face to face if the matter is very very sensitive.
But with this betrayer -put nothing in writing with him and share NO Photographs with immature guys ever.
So sorry you had to experience this Cyber Bullying. It is NOT acceptable.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (1 June 2011):
 He's not cyberbullying you, but he is trying to hurt you. He is responding to what you did to him in an immature way.If you respond, do it with dignity and humility. If you did him wrong, respond by owning up to it, explaining that you made a mistake, and would prefer to deal with it in private with him instead of as a show for others.If he carries on, ignore his post and ignore him. Remember, he's also showing the world (and other potential girlfriends) how cruel he can be. Even if he is immature, you be mature.Next time, don't deceive someone and lead them on. He may be immature, but there are consequences to choices, and you're dealing with another man's pain. Learn from it and become better for it.
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