A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This question is primarily for females. Why is it when u meet someone new or connect with someone from ur past and one of u are in a relationship with someone else, WHY DO WOMEN PERSIST ON SEDUCING THE PERSON KNOWING THEIR IN A RELATIONSHIP? Is it desperation, lack of good judgment? Why when a women realizes that the guy is unattainable due to a relationship does she pursue anyway? Is that really what happen to Adam in the Garden of Eden? And isn't breaking up relationships to have the person to yourself is essentially shoplifting? So these people are just thieves correct? Of course u can only steal someone legally and emotionally only if they permitted so in a way u can't steal the willing. But isn't it covetness and lust to look upon someone belongings and wish to have them. Not being religious but why pursue. Doesn't wisdom tell these women by deceit u achieved him and by deceit you'll lose him. As in karma. I've read dozens of post from woman trying to break up a couple to have the man herself. I guess we all have expectation but we all must realize we live in reality. Just bc we expect a happy ending doesn't mean it'll come to fruition. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2012): I don't think it's fair to say that all women who have pursued taken men are stupid. It's not always the case. Every situation is different. I'm sure there are a lot of "stupid"/irrational ones, but I'm sure some are pretty rational. Maybe she pursued them and he liked her too, so he broke up with his girl to be with her. Maybe he did nothing but it made him realize that his girlfriend/wife wasn't suited for him. Maybe it was an ex that he still missed deep down inside and they already had a great conneciton. Then of course it's best that he break up with his current girlfriend and talk to his ex again. I think the truly solid "stupid" ones are ones that get involved as the third party. Everything else is not necessarily black and white. Pursuing a taken man doesn't necessarily mean the girl is a bad person. It really depends on each situation so your question is essentially useless. We can't read the minds of other women.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2012): Just because a man is in a relationship doesn't mean he's unattainable. I personally wouldn't support pursuing someone NEW who's in a relationship but if it's an ex-boyfriend then it depends. For example if both exes realize they still like one another, then why not give it a chance as long as there's cheating? If the man is willing to break up with his current girlfriend and cut things clean, then it's very fair. He didn't break up with his gf because he loves his ex, he broke up with her because he doesn't love his gf. The ex was likely a trigger than made him realize that, but it's still a separate factor. Whether or not they rekindle is a different story but the best kind of relationship is a truthful one. If you're not happy then get out. What happens afterward is another story. If anything it's beneficial to the couple that the ex showed up, because that's when the boyfriend shows his true feelings, and that's when the girlfriend realizes she needs someone who hasn't always secretly loved his ex.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2012): It's usually stupid but in my case it worked out great. After a couple years, I realized I still had feelings for my ex. I told him and asked him what he thought about it, and he said he's always liked me but he has a girlfriend. We agreed not to take things further and I gave him time. Soon he came clean to his girlfriend and broke up with her. We've been together ever since and we're engaged. So it really depends on the situation. If you already have a great connection then it's fine as long as he doesn't cheat and you don't become the third party. We started our relationship after he became single and everything worked out great. Clean and simple.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (12 July 2012):
 So Very,
Nicely said. I enjoyed your description of a stable relationship. It feels very right to me.
About the power thing, I brought it up as an answer a friend had given me. I am certain that it doesn't fit in all cases. She is also not the type to go hunting out of season. In fact she has been unreasonably devoted to the same guy for as long as I have known her.
I do find that many people do stupid things, and they cannot tell you "why" they do them.
Power is often more attractive to men. Personally I can't be bothered about it.
FA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2012): Not all women who persue unavailable men get cheated on the man i persued was in a relationship for 8 years i persued him and we have been married 12 years this august and are very happy he just needed someone to get him out of a stale relationship
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 July 2012):
 "So daily she works her ass off treating him like a king hoping its enough to tell him he has everything he needs here. Wow. So the day it gets tiring, the day its dull, the day another woman comes along to seduce him, he'll be taken like a thief in the night."
NO! you missed the point.
A man happy and in love wont' stray... a man that can be "taken like a thief in the night" is not in love.
A man in love does NOT need his woman working her ass off treating him like a king. A woman in love does not "work her ass off"
If a couple is together for the right reasons, then her being herself and him being himself is the easiest thing in the world.
I don't work my ass off to make my man happy. I never have. I do what I WANT to do... it's just a question of finding the right fit.
for a good example... I love to cuddle. I would rather cuddle than have sex. I would prefer to give blow jobs to my man than have sex. Guess what... he loves to cuddle and get blow jobs... works for us...
IF a man who likes to cuddle is with a woman that doesn't like to cuddle... ONE of them is unhappy...
I love to clean our home and take care of our home... and he supports me in that. The things I can't do or don't want to do (for example trash day) he gladly takes care of.
if he didn't I'd be hurt and angry and it would not be a good fit... If he hated to do it he' be resentful and angry and it would not be a good fit.
When a couple is together for the right reasons...it works
yes 20-30 years down the road it may get routine... and commonplace... but then the couples that are doing it for the right reasons figure out TOGETHER how to spice it up...
opening yourself up to OTHERS to let them entice you away is a CHOICE the taken partner makes...
Again... I double dog dare any woman including a hot young (read 28-35) something Asian lady (his preferred "type") to TRY to steal my man away from me. Unless you love doing the things I love doing with him and can be me.... you don't have a shot in hell... he is in love with this old crippled 50 something woman...
I offered him his freedom back in March when we found out that my back is chronically damaged and I will probably require surgery and will probably be in a wheelchair in a decade.... and there is nothing we can do to stop it.... it impacts on how I sit, move, have sex, clean the house etc...
I did not want him to be tied to me... he scoffed at the offer and told me "I'm in for the long haul".....
My grandparents were married 67 years and together nearly 80 (they met as pre-teens in an orphanage) and neither one EVER even looked at another person... they weren't always perfect... they fought... life got tough... they married during the height of the depression... but they raised a family and died 6 months apart in the same bed they had always slept in. They had trust, honesty, communication and commitment...
My father after 30 years married to my mother... had a very typical mid-life crisis... my parents had a short separation while my father dabbled with sex with another woman.... guess who ended up alone? THE OTHER WOMAN... not because my father wanted to be stolen... my parents just did not communicate till it was almost too late.
They got back together (he dumped the other woman without so much as a backwards glance when he realized what he was giving up to try sex with someone else for the first time...
my parents got back together and sadly my mother died 12 years later (in my fathers arms) and he wept like a baby...
he went on to meet another woman but he won't marry her...
I think that part of the problem may be that you are not seeing what a true love is about... it's about bad times and good times... commitment is not about only staying when the sex is hot and the money flows...
oh and happy anniversary.
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A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (11 July 2012):
Let me flip this around for a moment, and share that I once pursued a woman who was in a relationship even though I knew she was taken. I was single, she was engaged and living with her fiance. What was I thinking? That the only reason she was giving me a chance is because she wasn't truly happy, and that while she was engaged she wasn't married... so I felt it was OK.
Let me just say, lesson learned! That woman is now my ex-wife. I should have known that if she was willing to cheat on her fiance with me, she would be willing to cheat on me with someone else. Which she did. I chalk it up to being young (I was barely 21 when I met her) and inexperienced.
Since that whole situation blew up on me I will never, ever again get involved with a woman who is in a relationship. I don't care if she has a long distance boyfriend she never actually sees. If there's any kind of other guy in the picture, I will avoid her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIamheretohelpyou, are u really here to help me, or are you here to insist that I've had some unfortunate encounter with these issues. Truth is....until recently I believed all women to hold themselves at some level of dignity and standard or moral. I gave us all the benefit of the doubt that we respect each other relationships. Having never gone through this I was a bit naive. You see I've never been hurt or rejected emotionally, nor have I been a third wheel knowingly. So after being on this site some time I've come to realize the true nature of some women. I've never tried to sabotaged someone else's relationship nor desire to but I'm in shock by the amount of women who will. It's not a goal to steal, its the opportunity. Someone presents themselves well and u are lonely. But I thought the amount of women who do this wasn't that high. A victim of circumstance perhaps. We all undeniably have needs so maybe in the end we are willing to go to the ends of the earth to get them met even if that end means coming in between a relationship to plunder an attached person. Thanks iamheretohelpyou for provoking my thoughts.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 July 2012):
 I honestly don't know why anyone would do such a thing. I was raised quite differently.
All I can say.. is some people lack morals, values, common sense and a slew of other basic decent human qualities. Why they lack them, I don't know.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDo its about power and emotions? So once the woman has achieved her goal in securing someone else's man she has the task of constantly looking at other woman in a watchful way trying to learn if she's out to sabotage their relationship n take her man. So daily she works her ass off treating him like a king hoping its enough to tell him he has everything he needs here. Wow. So the day it gets tiring, the day its dull, the day another woman comes along to seduce him, he'll be taken like a thief in the night. I'm baffled, I didn't know relationships were so complicated, and I'm in one and todays our anniversary. Nor did I encounter anything like this with my ex fiancee.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 July 2012):
Wow FA’s post makes me wonder if I’m just too good for my own good.. I’ve never considered that folks would do things as a power play like that… Oh wait.. that’s why I give my younger man blow jobs… it’s about the power….. but that’s a different post.
To the OP… I hear what you are saying… your question is based on what you have read here or seen in real life… I’ve been married three times. I’ve been with more men in my 52 years than probably all the women who have answered you combined. And probably more women than all the men combined so I will attempt to answer you to the best of my ability…
Since I have NO personal experience with trying to “steal” a man from someone else nor have I ever had anyone steal a man from me (I’ve seen some try but not succeed) I can only speak to the concept of a man being “stolen” from someone.
While I can covet all I want.. and feel and think anything I want… my actions are ultimately dictated by my ethics and morals. I have no religious compunctions that would hold me to a higher standard of behavior.
If a woman gets as far as being able to seek advice on how to steal a man from his partner, then that man is willing and possible wanting to be stolen. BTW it’s not just women that do this… men will too… I think it’s more about the personality and ethics of the thief vs the gender.
Human nature is such that we don’t want to be alone. I call it the Noah’s ark syndrome… we have to be two by two… and that means that if a person is in an unhappy but not dangerous relationship they would want to get out… but they may not know how or they may not NEED to get out so they “suffer” in the relationship… then that magic person comes along that piques their curiosity and probably their loins… and they become “ripe for the pickikngs”
I dare anyone here who wants (for example) my man (who btw is 13 yrs YOUNGER than I am) to go after him. FULL BORE… text him, offer him blow jobs, offer him money… offer him the riches of the world… You would not have a shot in hell at him… he does not WANT to be taken from me…. Now my last husband I thought we were very happy and things were fine… I found out recently that he never let me know how unhappy he was. NOT that he didn’t “love me” not that he would NOT have stayed married to me, not that he WANTED a divorce, but he was open and receptive to the attentions of another and when she was willing to give him safe haven and full time committed love, he was able to be brave enough to leave… but honestly, had I not wanted him to go, she would not have taken him… she never would have even met him….
So honey while some women choose to be morally bankrupt and willing to risk taking an already taken man (the risk being he will do the same to you later on)… they have to find a man that is willing to be taken… and after all what a prize he will be….
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2012): Well if we're going to have a mini-debate based on massive generalizations then here goes: For the exact same reasons that women get cosmetic surgery, buy beauty products, worry so much about their weight it's all about their egos, feelings of inadequecy and self worth, it's about competing with other women to beat other women and feel better about themselves and what better way to "win" that show you can take a man away from another woman.
The same reason why women stay with abusers, they can't admit failure because it would hurt their egos. The essence of romance in novels, movies songs is all to do with the idea of using the power of your love to overcome all. A "real" woman can make guys love her, that's her power.
Look in my experience on this site it's mostly the men in the relationships that feed these emotionally naive women with romantic notions and tales of how bad their relationship is. It's very easy to play to a woman's emotions, why do you think women can still get off with very light sentences for things like murder by playing the emotional distress card? It's as easy as it is to play to a guys desire for sex. While you could say guys are slaves to our penis', thinking with the wrong head sometimes, well women are slaves to their emotions.
Obviously that's a massive generalization and can't be said for everyone but from personal experience I can tell you that even the sternest most head strong of women can be turned to mush if you say exactly what they needed to hear in that moment. It's no different than the girls who think they can change players, or those who think their abuser really is the sweet, caring guy that he is after the abuse, or the bad boy drug dealer who "people just don't understand". Tell me that's logical, tell me that's not being a slave to emotions, tell me how many women with a healthy dating history haven't at least once dated a guy who was so very obviously an asshole but they stayed with him.
It's simple OP, when it comes down to it. Men and women who do morally wrong things do so purely because they desire to do so. That's all it is at the end of the day, they're emotional desire outweighs any logical reason in their mind and they accept the old "our relationship is on the rocks" excuse and most of those women get burned by that and rightly so it's their own fault.
It's all a power play OP based on emotional desires by women who without doubt feel inadequate and need to boost their ego, which is exactly the reason guys do it too.
It's transcends gender in that respect.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (11 July 2012):
I see that this is a general question based on your observations here. I once asked a woman a very similar question. I asked Why a younger woman would pursue an older married man. From my point of view there was little to gain. Old guys with declining sex drives and health, etc. Her reply was that it was all about power. The younger woman proving that she had power over the older wife. I'm sure that is not the only reason. I just thought I would add it to the great list you have received so far.
FA
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (11 July 2012):
 I certainly don't pursue attached men. No way! For one thing, if he's willing to be unfaithful to his current partner, why would he be faithful to me?
But you can't compare pursuing an attached man with burglarising a house. There must be a man willing to be 'stolen' for it to happen. A decent man can't or won't allow himself to be stolen.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd I'm not talking about all women or I would be speaking of myself so obviously anonymous I am not generalizing. I read a few post from the women of this site seeking to have a man that's already in a relationship. Also to anonymous male who told me about generalizing, can you even read or understand. My post was addressed to other women bc they may have been through it. It certainly wasn't meant for those with just an ounce of wisdom. Other men I appreciate ur comments and am not putting u in the box with anonymous male generalize.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2012): ive never ever ever went after a taken man in my life, and would never want him if he leaves her he will leave you. I know plenty of women who do this, desperation, low self esteem, competiveness, all these reasons why they do it, not sure I think its wrong and dont think highly of anyone who goes after taken man or woman!
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female
reader, IamJess +, writes (11 July 2012):
 I really don't think some females are that bothered whether the guys in a relationship, because some men would let them have it on with them anyway, and some people like the challenge, the fact they could get caught and it'd be like interesting for them.
If they just really like the guy they'll do anything to try and get him to be theirs, going against the girlfriend.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDon't be so presumptuous. No this has never happened to me nor anyone I know. I just used this site a lot and am in disbelief by the amount of women settling to be the other woman or trying to break up a relationship to have their desires with the person. It's not going overboard, its just the truth. It is desperation when one steals, regardless of the level of need one steal. I simply think its stealing bc u want someone that someone have n instead of getting ur own u try n rob theirs. Will u say this if ur house was buglarized n instead of the thieves working they covet ur belonging. I see no difference which is y I compare the two.
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female
reader, MIAME +, writes (11 July 2012):
 All Woman need to remember that Karma is a bitch, emotions get in the way of reality for most of us, but doing the right thing is easy!We all know that we are not supposed to go after another woman's man, so just don't do it. plain and simple!Don't be a trollop, and go after someone else man just because you know of other trollops that do so!And we can't compare ourselves to what men do, because they have an internal instinctive sex drive or a human natural process, that makes them pursue woman all over the planet, if they didn't pursue females then all human existence would end!And yes men who cheat on their woman are just as bad and wrong, but their instinctive drive is much the cause for their bad behavior. Where as woman, we go after what another woman has because we either lack decency, or we lack an emotional fulfilled stimulus within our own lives!Do the right thing an don't cheat, eventually a good partner will come around!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2012): Don't generalize by painting all women with the same brush. It's disrespectful to women and reflects poorly on other men who are neither ignorant nor holier-than-thou.
The woman in your life to whom you are referring has her own individual motivations for her behavior.
Dump the rhetorical questions and Biblical claptrap, rephrase in specifics relevant to your particular circumstances, and maybe we can provide helpful advice.
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male
reader, MikeEa1  +, writes (11 July 2012):
 its a bit like men will have anything that's going and women will have anything they think they can't have. most relationships survive for a good number of years because most of us resist these base instincts. in both my marriages I've always been a faithful man despite numerous temptations and many of us are like that. but for whatever other reasons my marriages failed. all sorts of obstacles are in the way. if your relationship fails don't focus on that, just get up and crawl away find your self and move on. there's lots more left for you in the world that will make you happy.
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