A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:why does it seem that some women are attracted and stay with the guys who treat them bad , and the real decent guys who would only treat a woman with love and respect get treated with contempt by women ? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, phillystarjoan  +, writes (22 March 2007):
 Lol I know, why am I laughing. IT is because I was once in that same situation, but my "bad guy" was really a BAD GUY. I took in verbal abuse AND physical abuse. I'm out of it now, but as I reflect back on it I realize that it was just a habit. I was so use to being hurt, abused, all of the negative things that I didn't know how to get away from that nor be in a healthy relationship. It was very hard to let go but I did. And all of these other women can too. Now I'm in a wonderful relationship where my man treats me like a queen. Now he set the standards, and if anything were to go wrong I know what to expect out of a man.
A
female
reader, mum2be +, writes (14 March 2007):
I am going out with a 'bad boy' and the main reason is i have been through shi* in the past and need protecting... i do not see him as a 'project' or someone to 'work on'... just someone who likes a bit of rough (Which i am willing to give) and who wont take anyone giving me hassle!!!
All the best
xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2007): Interesting replies, especially from Irish.I believe quite strongly that human beings are always motivated by seeking pleasure and to avoid pain. This they do for every action they ever make and of course, staying in a bad relationship is always a choice someone makes.I am quite personally quite fascinated in unhealthy relationships, I've had one myself and I've spent a long time wondering why i endured it when I knew how much better relationships can be.I think a person stays in an unhealthy relationship because they believe there is more pleasure in staying with that person, than there is in leaving them.So, in the case of someone who is with a person to treats them badly, lets say a women who is with a man who treats her badly. This women stays in a relationship with him because from whatever pleasure she does get from it (and all relationships - no matter how bad they are - have some degree of pleasure) is more than the pain she would feel if she left him.Specifically, she would not leave him because being alone would be more painful than being with him. To some people they do not understand this - but you have to try very hard to imagine how you would think and respond to life if you really did not believe in who you were; to truly love, or at least appreciate yourself, so to speak.However - when that person becomes more empowered, and they gain strength, slowly it emerges that it is actually more painful to stay in the relationship, and more pleasurable to get out! I have seen this shift in peoples perspective many times, and it is one of the most wonderful revelations to witness.This kind of pain / pleasure balance exists for everything we do. Take smoking. Do you think people smoke because they are addicted? Of course not! People smoke because for them they associate more pleasure with smoking, than they do without smoking. All a smoker needs to do is to believe that it means more pain -to them- than it does pleasure and they will no longer seek it.So going back to bad relationships - to shift between what is pleasurable and what is painful, our foremost reasoning is through experience. This is why (generally) people go through bad relationships to begin with but stop when they are older. There comes a point, at hopefully some stage in their life, where their mind says to itself "hey - these relationships really don't seem to be doing me any good!" and thus the pleasure/pain has shifted and that person will suddenly stop repeating their pain. To seek pleasure then is to have a happy relationship and to avoid pain is to avoid having another unhealthy relationship.So any women who chooses to be treated badly, does so because that is her motivator for seeking pleasure. For this kind of person, they accept all the "bad" stuff (abuse, violence, disrespect, cheating, whatever) in return for the glimmer of hope that someone has chosen to be with them.This also has a lot to do with childhood and how you were conditioned to think and to associate behaviour with emotions. If you grew up and learnt that a relationship is associated with negative things, you will associate being with someone with negative attributes. If you grew up to see relationships as positive, you associate them with things such as love, honesty, commitment, etc.Take for example a relationship that encounters a problem. Those who have learnt that relationships are good generally see working through it as a good test and find strength in it, knowing getting over the hurdle will make them stronger. Those who learnt that relationships are painful, see it as an imminent sign of failure and so sabotage the relationship.We as human beings do not act very logically - and rightly so considering - If you are a product of a relationship consisting of pain then you associate you existence with pain - and you wonder why some people act so destructively towards themselves and seek such unhappiness?Anyway, I have been long rambling - so I'll finish now by saying that whilst there does seem to be a generalisation of people who seem to prefer unhealthy relationships, this is more down to the individuals stage in life and that for each person who pursues a bad relationship, there is always one who wants a good one. We can learn a lot about who we are by who we date and have friendships with. Life is journey of learning and what has happened in the past doesn't need to equate the future.
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female
reader, perkypanda +, writes (14 March 2007):
I agree with CD that girls see the bad boy as a project. I know when I went through my bad boy stage it was kind of trying to prove myself I was good enough to quit drinking for, ect. A good guy treats everyone with respect but you could be THE ONE that the bad boy loves. I luckily grew out of it.
My friend has a theory that it plays into everyone's need to be liked. You will be constantly trying to win the jerk over.
I see you are a little older than me, so I'm surprised the women you know still put up with that crap. You might be too shy like some have mentioned & need to take more chances, or meet a new set of women. They may suffer emotional baggage they aren't addressing and will sadly never change.
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female
reader, Angele  +, writes (14 March 2007):
I must admit, without any judgement from anyone......i am an ex exotic dancer, who is and was very confidant in my looks and which is a great asset to have to attract bad boys because most are generally very picky about the person who they are seen with. Very important to their image status as i call it. I actually was in love with the physical and bodyguard feeling. Just as they were. Felt like no one can look at me nor approche me......but felt like wow!!!!important. Well now i truly admit that i left him, and my job with pride because he clearly said that i wouldn't find another like him. wow!!!! he was irriplacable..lol . Oh well his loss now cause he didnt know anything, not even how many sugars i took in my coffee, or my favorite color, flower, and alot mores......the list goes on! now wow!!!!! a new leaf....single 2 years time to reflect on what i want and need.....not doing what they wnt to feel the power of belonging....finally im ready to date. But with time..... i will appreciate a ceasar rather than a Martini" "u-know" looks are important to me but, now i look deeper and make them look inside me as well. Anyhow before i write a book, lol, i will say goodnight. This felt nice to express my thoughts, no anger just want people to know, always think about you first before anyone else. Please feel free to comment, i love to help others if i can. :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2007): they don't. but they do avoid guys with low self-esteem and confidence issues like the plague. and it just so happens that the 'bad boy' image is pretty well correlated with an air of confidence (though not necessarily deep inner security). and at least 60% of the guys who complain about women not going for the 'nice' guys are nice, yes, but also spineless. don't get those two things confused. a girl likes to be treated like a princess by someone who is **choosing** her. if he's taking what he can get, the royal treatment loses its charm.the other thing to remember is that passion tends to be highly correlated with the 'bad boy' image. there's no reason passion should be mutually exclusive with 'nice guy' -- lots of really great guys are passionate about important things in their lives. but there's nothing more maddening for most women than a guy who just can't get passionate about something -- an idea, his work, a cause, whatever.women aren't looking for bad boys - they're looking for men who are confident, self-assured, independent and passionate about things that matter. when they find a guy who's all these things AND a true gentleman, they marry him as quickly as possible and make their friends jealous for the rest of their lives. until then, they spend a lot of time figuring out which characteristics they're most willing to sacrifice. A guy who's careless with a girls' feelings isn't worth it, but a guy who just doesn't know to buy roses and can't remember an anniversary ... i would gladly learn to mark things on the calendar and buy my own flowers for a guy that met the other criteria listed in the first sentence of this paragraph. and i think many women would agree. it's not about bad vs nice -- it's about all the other stuff.
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female
reader, sunshine99 +, writes (14 March 2007):
 I was with a jealous, possessive and control freak bf for 18 months and just couldn't see what was happening to me, although family and friends could. My self esteem was virtually non exsistent. We broke up and I then met a guy who was moody, gave me the silent treatment all the time and a complete idiot. I have now broke the spell!!!! i am happily married to a superb guy, non of the above things - but wonderful, loving and caring - my soul mate!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2007): Correction. In my posting below the sentence:
"never having unhealthy role models"
should've read,
"never having healthy role models"
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2007): Sometimes, I am soo baffled by women who are to be attracted to men, who make them feel so unloved and horrible. Go figure! But I have a theory about this. Women who stay with bad guys really, believe they are not deserving of a good, healthy love. Simple as that. A woman with a healthy sense of confidence, self-love and a strong worldview would never tolerate such a guy. He wouldn't make it past the front door, so to speak. He'd be on his butt by the curb. lol So why do sensible, lovely females think it feels 'right' to be with a guy who witholds his love vs thinking it's 'wrong' when a guy gives you all the love you ever wanted? Likely due to dysfunctional backgrounds, never having unhealthy role models (parents and other family members) in their own life. They think intensity, pain and drama-riddled chaotic relationships is the only way way to achieve a sense of love. Kinda sad, isn't it? But it happens far too often. A women like this has to work on herself.
She basically has no idea how to have a healthy relationship based on friendship, trust, happiness, safety, openess,mutual respect and givingness. And you know what..there are a ton of bad guys out there, who know how to attract females like this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2007): good question and i believe theres a simple answer.theres a hell of alot of women out there whos parents arent together for whatever reason.alot of women i know have or had fathers who were drunks,womanisers,dissapeared,on drugs etc etc.myself included.this makes for a women who has grown up seeing her mother being trodden on in one shape or another.they become addicted to rescuing these men because they think they can save them.their mothers couldn't do it but they can.not forgetting they are used to growing up in an atmosphere of addrenalin rushes mistakenly making them believe this is normal.ofcourse there are the lucky few who strive to be the opposite.
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female
reader, cd206 +, writes (13 March 2007):
 Wow that's a difficult question but I'm so glad you said some women instead of generalising and throwing us all in together. All I can really tell you is that the nice guy is something perceived as boring and not as much of a project as the mean guy who you can try to change and tame and make yours. Personally I would go for the nice guy every single time but those are some of the reasons my bad boy friends give.
CD
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