A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Why are men so different to women?Why do women gets so attached and men just seem to be able to completely forget about women? I just dont understand it!I was seeing a guy from work for a few month! It was brilliant! So much chemistry, fun etc! I totally fell for him. We never had the exclusive talk although things were heading that way! However a few weeks ago he became distant, i didnt want to appear clingy so just let him be. Despite the distance we still hung out a few times but just as friends i suppose as there's been no kissing/sex etc. Anyway he left work last week for a new job (This has been in the pipeline for 3 months - so nothing to do with trying to get away from me) I dropped him off at home after his last shift as he wasnt very well, went in and hung out for a couple of hours before heading home - nothing at all happened other than a friendly hug goodbye. When i got home i sent him a text just saying 'hope you feel better soon, if you ever wana hangout just drop me a text' to which he replied saying 'i might just do that!'I've now heard nothing at all from him! And the thought of never hearing from him/seeing him again is driving me crazy! Is there anything I can do? Or am i literally just meant to sit back and wait and if nothing happens try my best to move on?Ps i've found when others have asked about similar situations that agony aunts ask if they've had sex. Yeah we have a lot, a lot of times. The first time being after our 4th date
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2013): Nothing about men and women being different here OP.
The only way you'll ever truly know what happened is to talk to him about it. You know there's every chance he thinks you're the one who backed off and cooled down or that you seemed disinterested so he stopped or he'd had enough of the fling or was never really interested in you in that way or any number of different things OP.
Your mistake was to let this die out when you have feelings for him. You need to talk to him about it all, you need closure in the least and who knows, no matter how unlikely, there is a chance that he liked you but didn't sense any kind of seriousness from you.
Next time don't be afraid to speak your mind. It's not clingy to chase OP, you seemed to have been so afraid of how he'd perceive you that you actually acted cold. That is especially the case if he did most of the chasing at the start, that gets old OP and we will stop to see if you're going to reciprocate.
While k_c100 is mostly right and usually nothing will stop a guy making you his, lots of guys need to be sure you want the same thing before they ask. I mean, you didn't have the guts to bring it up, maybe he didn't either.
Get closure, talk to him. Ask him what happened and how he views it and tell him how you feel about him. Woman up OP, if you want this guy then you have to work to get him. If he's not interested then it's better you know so you can move on.
FYI: Clingy is not being able to breathe without getting a message asking where we are, or are we gone off her because we haven't spoken in a few hours. Texting someone you haven't heard from in a day or two to see how they are and if they want to meet up is not clingy. "Letting him be" is just as cold and distant seeming as he was don't you think?
Personally I like it when my partners miss me enough to feel the need to message me and can't help but do so. It's only clingy if it's an inquisition and they ask the same thing over and over. "What are you thinking now?" etc three times a day.
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (12 September 2013):
 To keep it brief - women's hormones mean that they get attached to men, especially after they have had sex with them whereas men do not have these hormones therefore do not feel the same attachment.
Going back to caveman/cavewoman times, women relied on men to be the hunters and bring them food, and back then sex was for the purpose of procreation - therefore if you had a child with a man (and children are an outcome of having sex) then you relied on him even more than before to bring your food and 'provide' for you and the family. Therefore in order for this set up to happen, the brain evolved to release hormones after sex in women that ensured they felt attached to the man they had sex with because he was likely to be the father of her child in 9 months time - the brain wanted to cement that attachment to ensure she got fed as well as her child getting fed too.
These hormones are still released today, despite not having the same reliance on men to 'provide'. Hence why women get attached easily and men do not.
Also, in your case, your guy will have known he was changing jobs so there was some turmoil in his life, and chances are because of this he wouldnt have wanted to get too involved. You said it was heading for being exclusive, but that was in your head - you presumed the guy felt the same way when in fact that was not true and you jumped the gun a bit there.
He will have been keeping himself distant because of his job situation, things are changing in his life and it is not the right time for an exclusive relationship - he still could have fun and enjoy being with you, but was never prepared for it to be more than that.
Learn this very important rule - if a guy likes you, he will go out of his way to make you know that he likes you and he wont hold back from asking you to be his girlfriend. If he's emotionally unavailable, or 'not that into you' then he will have fun with you but wont ever be more than that.
I dated a guy once who I really fell for and in my head he really liked me too, it started off really well and I thought if I wasnt too pushy eventually he'd want to be in a relationship with me. More fool me - he was emotionally unavailable, was about to start a new job and fundamentally he liked me but not enough to want anything serious with me. This went on for over a year yet I still lived in hope that eventually it would work out - he went quiet, I didnt hear from him then 6 months later he was engaged to someone else.
My now fiance, he made an effort to arrange date after date with me, he asked me after a month to be his girlfriend....there was no messing around, when a guy really likes you he'll let you know. If he messes you around, goes hot and cold, goes from being distant to wanting to see you again....he's not that into you and is seeing you for a bit of fun until something better comes along.
Keep that lesson in mind, so when you date someone else you will recognise if he likes you A LOT or if you are just a bit of fun for now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2013): Sometimes guys are only in it for sex, but not for any extended time in a commitment.
You may attach feelings; because men and women are so different. Biologically we are different; but we do have the same emotions.
Women are more openly emotional in relationships, while men avoid being outwardly emotional; and seek a logical approach. We often hide our feelings, and try to figure things out and plot every move. While women allow emotions to govern how they handle their participation in a relationship. They see no reason to hide their feelings.
To women, that's immature and stiff. Even stupid.
While men may consider dating just a trial period, he may not make up his mind if he wants a girlfriend, or just enjoys dating a woman. That means, he enjoys sex, her company, and sharing activities with her. He likes spending his money on her, sharing his time; but he doesn't necessarily foresee a long-term relationship in the horizon. He will drop things hard, when the fun is gone.
How do you know if he is considering anything more serious?
He'll introduce you to friends and family by his third or fourth date. It may not be a long-term "relationship;" but he wants to have you around for a long time. (Take notes.)
Women are looking for emotional attachment and commitment when they approach a guy. That is, unless she is getting over a few rough relationships. She may need the comfort, only a man can provide. Maybe some hot casual sex. To feel desirable. A boost to her self-esteem.
She still leaves the option open for something meaningful and long-term. If a guy hangs around as long as a third date; she will most likely attach her feelings, and consider this to be leading up to a relationship. Not necessarily a good one. She starts planning and thinking into the future. Men only think in the present.(take notes.)
You get frustrated when he starts dragging his feet, or he isn't sending clear signals. So you start applying the pressure. You get irritated when he doesn't text message or call frequently, or he seems too distant. He starts out hot and heavy, tapers off, then goes cold.
He's sending a message. You're getting too clingy. He doesn't like to be pressured. He may be considering another female less clingy, or you are wonderful in many ways; but not exactly what he's looking for. He has a right to choose.
Men won't attach emotionally too quickly; but they will hang around if the sex is good.
They also enjoy a "wifely-type" female; who is a good a cook and bubbles with personality and charm. It's hard to walk away from someone so precious. If she realizes her high value, she will not let desperation force her into the arms of a troll. He isn't worthy, but knows a great catch of a woman. God help those precious angels!!! They get ruined by these assholes. (take notes.)
He may be a great catch himself. Meets all the best criteria, and he's a great guy. He will be good to a woman.
That doesn't mean she has reigned him in; because he figures if he found this one, he'll find others. He wants to mate many times before he throws in the towel. It's hardwired into our nature as males. Don't just settle for the first good thing you find. Cover more ground, check more prospects. That is wisdom. You may not like it.
The Alpha-female thinks she intimidates men. That's only if she's bitchy, arrogant, or controlling. Men aren't that intimidated by strength in a woman. They admire it, it's a turn on; but all men can't psychologically handle the power-types. Like all women can't handle Alpha-males.
It takes the right personality to deal with a large ego, and a person who's used to having their way. The people who get along best with these types, show no fear, have few insecurities, and push back. Although, they are more Type-B (borderline-A). Regardless of gender. (That's me.)
(take notes.)
Females are practical, intuitive, and mature far sooner than males. They plan their lives early on.
Women usually know around what time they want to be in a committed relationship, what level of education they want; and when they think they'd like to marry or have a family. They have that planned out long before they commit to any man. It's usually stored in their memory banks on the first date, and she's checking him out to see if he meets her list of criteria for a BF/Husband.
He just hopes he can impress her. If shes going to putout the first date. Yes, we can be so shallow. There are many exceptions. Own up to your taste, and what type of men you are attracted to. That explains frequent mistakes. Don't dismiss red-flags; because a guy meets all your favorite criteria. He won't dismiss the red-flags. Even if he's a tool himself.
Young men don't look so far ahead. It happens when it happens. He feels it's his right to decide when he is ready to surrender his freedom, and forsake all others to settle down with one woman; or in my case, another guy. He thinks he might be ready between the sixth to eighth date.
Seriously! If he gives in sooner; it's under pressure, and he is more likely to cheat, or return to an ex. Watch out for men who are hesitant. They aren't all bad. He may have something in the back of his mind he has not yet shared, and doesn't want to blow what he has with you.(take notes.)
The men most likely looking for committed-relationships
are older. They might be recently released from a relationship (mutually amiable breakup or got dumped); or
aging-divorced with children.
The nerd-types may be late-bloomers, and concentrated more on their education and professional careers before looking for a mate. They are awkward in interpersonal skills. They run when things get too scary. They getaway before they feel trapped. They won't respond to contact once they flee; out of fear. They don't have time for emotional nonsense.
CAUTION:
In the case of those recently released by a breakup, they are on the rebound; and they don't really attach. They're looking for sex, and a "pain-killer" (in a sexy body). Their age doesn't matter. Males in this category range from young to very old. If he seems to good to be true. He is.
Widowers are different. They are cautious and have set criteria. They've been through grief and idolize their dead girlfriends or spouses. You have to be careful, if the loss is fresh, or less then a couple of years. Men tend to look for replacements, and look for a certain hair and eye-color.
Whatever reminds them of the one they lost. You'll also be expected to behave like their lost love. Some make outright comparisons, and this is painful and cruel to a new girlfriend/boyfriend.
They can be confusing. Once they are able to live with the loss; and the grief is properly managed; they make a pretty good catch for a boyfriend, or future husband. They value commitment. I know. I'm speaking from my own experience here. I lost someone.
Men don't easily forget, they may not show their emotions openly. They may use the "Mr. Spock/ Vulcan" attitude to prove he isn't so hurt. He is internalizing his grief and will show his feelings in peculiar ways. He seems cold, he'll party with his friends, pick up women/guys, and ignore you when you try to reach him after a breakup.
Alone, he is torn up. He is vulnerable, angry, he hates feeling the raw emotions and will do crazy thinks to
release his rage and pain. They go on Facebook and create these images of the wild and carefree male only days, or weeks after, a breakup. They have a new girl already picked out probably before the broke-up. They cheat, and almost show no remorse. They get a divorce, and move a young woman in only a week after the divorce is final.
My dear, don't let that fool you. He is going through hell on the inside. He is putting on a front, hiding behind a shell; because men have to be tough. We are taught from children it is weak to display open emotions. They are pretending to forget. They are running from the source of their pain. Please trust me on this. We are hardwired by nature to fight or flee.
Yes, we don't waste time and emotion if we're done with you. We cut-loose clean. That's because we've been planning it long before it happens.
When they are extra-cold, they are narcissists. This is a mental disorder; and they can't feel. They get joy out of your pain. There are women like this too. They get narcissistic supply from watching you squirm and suffer.
Stay as far away from anyone like this as you can. They can permanently damage you.
If you have had several experiences with men who seem to forget you easily. You are choosing the wrong type for you.
You are repeating your mistake; because you haven't learned anything from each failed relationship. If you've been dumped, of course you feel cynical and angry. Just be careful with the type of man you attach your feelings to.
If he is immature, a cheat, a broke-ass, a bum, or sex fiend, or a jerk? Kick his ass to the curb and don't look back. Then you can't see what he is doing.
Why should you even care; if all he has done is hurt you? That's just plain common-sense. Stop clinging to him after he's gone, and you won't prolong your grief.
Learn to forget the harm they've done; but not what to do about it.
I hope this will help you, many other females; and other gay men like myself.
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