A
female
age
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anonymous
writes:Why do women (of all ages)get involved with married men (or men who are in committed relationships) and in some instances stay with them for many, many, years, waiting and hoping for "their man" to leave his wife/mate? Despite you academic success, your successful career, your beauty, your friends and family who love you, you stay in a relationship where you are second best, why? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Lovegirl for your post. I am still standing.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2011): Well OP in your case plse do not look back. I am glad u dumped the cheating sod, that your so called friend is still without him.
That wheel sure turns doesn't it???
You did well girl, u did well. I think u can be an inspiration to all cheated wives. There is life after the dirtbag is gone!
LoveGirl
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou see she went into the relationship knowing and she herself was in a long term committed relationship. She enjoys cheating and is very self destructive. She loved playing the cat and mouse game. Well men will say anything, but the truth is woman see through it, they are just in denial.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2011): To the origional poster:
Just curious to know - How did you find out them? If, the other woman was lied to by your husband, and when she found out your husband is actually cheating on you with her, and she told you about the affair, would you appreciate she tell the truth?
I am asking because obviously there are many men playing around and lie to wives AND other women, because they know they could take advantages on both sides, by using women's jealoucy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow, thank you for all the responses. Madilta I am the wife and I guess I stayed the wife for too long. I finally found the strength to get out. He was devastated when I left, but for the wrong reasons; how dare I leave him. His narcissistic behavior has not changed, although he tries everything he can to keep me in his life. In the meantime, "the other woman" (she was a so called "good friend") hangs around like a little puppy waiting to be fed. I understood why I stayed: children, finances, etc....all the reasons you can think of why women say they stay, but at least I was the wife, he paid the bills (we both have good jobs), never stayed away from home and he would have never left. He was comfortable, because I was the good wife. But, this women lived for years (in the vicinity), watching him be "a family man," while she waited for him to call her (while he was working) and she could drive around with him in his car like she was some high school teenybopper (she is in her 40s now). He was home every day after work, never went on vacation alone and never stayed away from home, so I never understood how it did not bother her to see him day in and out with his family. I guess he had her convinced that he loved her. She thought that once I left he would be her meal ticket and she would finally get "her man," she was wrong. Thankfully I got out of this dysfunctional relationship; I want my daughter to learn by example. Thank you all again for your responses and to all the wives out there: It is not about the other woman (although she may deserve a slap in the face), it is about your husband and if he does not respect you and value you, what reason is there to stay? I loved and worshiped him, but now I love myself more. ON MY OWN AND LOVING EVERY MINUTE OF IT!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2011): I would say, at surprised high percentage, the man approached the other woman as 'single', 'avaialble' and 'not committed' until the woman fell for him and got involved physcially, then emotionally...
We women all know that most of us are into a 'relationship' for 'love' and 'being cared', before we into physical connection, at some levels, emotionally connected.
For a married man who is hunting for 'sex' knows it too, so many times, it's just late for the woman to step back when she relised 'her' man belongs to another woman as well, and she came even first....
Why nobody blame those married men who are playing around as 'single' and 'avaialble'?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2011): I think some of u may know about our family situation (I have mentioned it often enough) my brother has a mistress for over 8 years now : Bloody long time being second best!!! I have confronted him since discovering this: he "promised" to end it. He is a basket case! His health has suffered, his wealth keeps slipping and I think his mental stability?well I think he is cracking up slowly but destructively!!!!Moral of the story: a mistress may dangle sex, may dangle the best friend, and confidant carrot, may be at her very best, Gently pressuring her MM to leave his wife and kids, BUT one day the MM wakes up and smell the sh1t around him and realises that his wife and kids are just too precious to throw away....My brother is about to ditch his mistress and its a day I am waiting for: why? Because she stole! What did she steal? TIME from his kids that he can never get back. His kids are strangers to him. And now he is seeing this after all these years.You see that wheel does turn....LoveGirl
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2011): I don't know. I really don't think i could ever live with myself if i helped someone cheat. His wife was there first, so why should I get in the way of them? And their children? Its not right, even if you didn't know he had a wife. And when you do find out that he's with someone, you break up unless hes seperated.
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reader, maverick494 +, writes (8 July 2011):
Because though people tend to be fairly realistic in gauging the outcome of a situation that's happening to others, when it comes to themselves they have an unrealistic (and often positive) expectation. The whole "that happens to other people but not me" mindset. It happens more often than you think, with plenty of examples here on dearcupid.
I was once in love with a married man, but I never told him because I have morals. I can't (try to) tear a family apart for the sake of my own happiness. In fact, my own happiness would suffer from that act alone. So luckily I will never know the outcome of going down that path. That suits me just fine because this way he remains the good man I always thought he was, because if he were to doublecross his family (because that's what it really is, in my opinion) I wouldn't think of him so highly anymore, nor would I think much of myself.
I think that the reason it happens so often is because people are champions in excusing their own behavior. Plus lots of people are naive and gullible, which makes it easier for the often older married man to manipulate the often younger (to be) mistress. That's my take on it anyway.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2011): This is something I could totally relate with in a sense that 2 of my sisters were once trapped in relationships with married man.
Even though my 2 sisters hated each other and critisized each other's relationship. Both man they are with have the very same reasons why they can't leave their marriage:
1. Because of their kids.
2. They pity the wife who is suicidal.
3. They want to keep their good reputation among their relatives.
And my sisters, educated as they are were fooled and would justify that these men loved them and took care of them more than their single exes had. And that they would one day leave their family and be with them. Unfortunately, it all seems like they just fell in love but there is just this baggage the guy is carrying, other than that, they claim, the relationship is perfect.
As everyone had predicted, these guys never left their wives and to make it worse, other women came into the picture. My other sister realizing that this is going nowhere just left that city with my 2 nephews (her children with this guy). That was the last time she spoke to him, she just disappeared from his life without a trace. I really admired my sister for having realized that and given up her job just to stay away and start anew.
My other sister kept seeing this guy and he left the country to work outside. She followed him there and I was left to take care of their daughter. When she was there she found out that this guy was seeing another new woman and that's when she had enough. She broke up with him immediately. The guy now still sends money for his daughter but he is in his 3rd other woman now. Fourth woman maybe, who knows how many.
The point is my sisters thought they were the one for these men but they were fooled by empty promises plus they already got emotionally attached. That's only to discover that their purpose is to fill-out the missing thrill and not to replace the wife.
After these events that happened to my sisters,I met a guy who had begun pursuing me. Good thing I found out we have a mutual friend and this friend warned me that he has been married for 2 years already. Right after I found out, I rejected this guy. And i heard all the same reasons, he doesn't love his wife anymore and only waiting to be divorced etc. But no, I will never make the same mistakes my sisters made. Will not even dare think about it.
Married, when you hear that word from a guys mouth, run as fast as you can. Forget the ifs and the buts, just run.
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reader, person12345 +, writes (8 July 2011):
 I'd imagine because it's really hard to admit that they are second best in the love of their life's world. That would be utterly devastating I'd imagine. It's much less painful short term and easier to believe the lies.
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reader, a_maldita  +, writes (8 July 2011):
 Frankly I don't know why they keep doing that.I mean its clear that they can hurt other people in some ways but they still do it.Consider affected parties first before staying in the relationship that you know from the start that would only harm yourself and others.That's my opinion I guess.I would never put up with a married man or just a man I know who has a commitment.If I want to be respected as a person I would want to respect others first.Once they know your a mistress people with always say your a home wrecker no matter what your reasons are and we can never blame them since you already know from the start that it is wrong...For OP its either your partner is cheating or you are one of those other women....Anyway Good luck and hope this helps...
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reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (8 July 2011):
 This is hard to comment on when you are not that kind of person but from my perspective looking in I think people like that unconsciously like being hurt. It's like they have the mindset of not deserving a committed relationship so they continually "punish" themselves by engaging in doomed relationships.I don't know I could be completely off base here, but that's the only reason I can see that someone would settle for that kind of life.
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reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (8 July 2011):
 Hi,I found out my ex of 10 years cheated on me. It has been 11 mos since the discovery. I tried to understand him, asked questions, but for some reason he cannot be honest with me? I have concrete proof, he told me she knew about me... That's also a question to me? Why these women continue the affair, knowing that there's somebody else in their lives?As for me, I was a loyal partner and friend. I treated him very well during all those years, if not better. I never let go of myself, didn't gain weight, didn't nag, I always tried my best, so it was never my fault. To answer your question? I realize that it was his fault, nobody elses, but the other woman, or all the other women that continues an affair? The pure reason is that they're selfish... They have no respect for anybody, but themselves... They will continue as long as they have something to gain, love, money, happiness...Hope this helps!
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2011): I think they just live in hope that one day.. Personally my ex did leave myself and 2 young children for a woman, she left her husband and children. Both lost out with their children as none would accept the new partners.A high price to payFinancially, because of this,they had a good standard of living together and no ties, as they lived as a childless couple.They had no guilt so I guess the women who wait around for years hope these men will have the same mind set - its a challenge in a way. A colleague is now on her 3rd 'attached' partner - shes not married and wants to be - I think she's just lonely and these men pick up on it and know she's 'easy' to delude.So far none have left their partner just dumped her when she got too clingy. Its sad.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2011): My personal experience, I stayed with a married man for 5 years, firstly because he gave me a nice lifestyle, then it grew into love, soon came attachment and before I knew it I was in there hook line and sinker. The thing is (and you can't understand unless you've been there) once your in a relationship with a married man its extremely difficult to get out of it. The man will stop at nothing to makesure a mistreSs stays around because he loves having the best of both worlds. Often act in a desperate manner and act in desperate ways to show 'love' for his mistress when infact he's showing love for the situation he is in. No married man will ever give up a mistress or wife when he knows both women will put up with his behaviour.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2011): Well I can only speak for myself. To put it simply, it's because he doesn't make me feel like 2nd best. I guess when we are together we don't have the everyday common problems as marriages do. Instead, we always present our best selves to each other and truly enjoy the moments we have together (and that doesn't always mean sex). Since we do not judge each other, we have a very open relationship and know a lot about each other...our strengths and vulnerabilities. It is true this should be shared with your spouse but honestly, how many marriages have that? How many wives judge their husbands every day or vice versa? Too often we follow society's rules of what a marriage should be rather than making our own rules.
Yes ofcourse I secretly hope that he will leave her, but in reality I know that will never happen. I do love myself and have more confidence now than I ever had. I have many admirers but I am only drawn to him. I used to point fingers also and wonder why someone would do something like this. I grew up in church and actually had a strong relationship with God at one point....still I find myself the Jezebel now. But I know the consequences of my actions, and I am able to accept them because I have unconditional love for this man. And honestly, I have never felt that with any other man.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2011): Some for financial support, some for children sake. The rest (at superised high percentage), because they believed in 'promises'/'commitments' that 'her man' gave to them. Normally a married man approaches a woman with 'I am in bad relationship/marriaged with my wife'...
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