A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been having problems over the last 3 years, which have escalated to several talks of divorce but then he always tries to convince me that things will be better. During this time I ran into my ex unexpectedly (almost 1 yr ago). My ex and I have a child together whom he has never met because I deliberately ended all contact with him 10 years ago when I found out I was pg. This was extremely difficult to do, but he was married at the time (I was not) so it was right.I'd like to say that our new connection (which is now sexual) would not have happened if my husband and I weren't having so many problems, but I can't be sure of this. My ex is the one whom I've always wanted to be with. My husband and I have recently separated (not divorced) and honestly a part of me wishes to be with my ex, but he is still married. Although neither of us has ever professed love to each other (not now or before)....I definitely love him and know that he has feelings for me as well. Lately, it seems that my ex wants to get caught having an affair so that she would be ready to divorce him. They have separated in the past, but she always tried to get him back and maybe he thinks getting caught will avoid that type of ordeal.It seems that he is ready to move on, but is unsure of my feelings as well. I desparately want to tell him the extent of my love, but honestly I am also scared. If by some small chance he doesn't feel the same, I don't want to scare him away. But then again, I've been loved before and know what it feels like and that's what I feel when I am with him.So basically I know that having an affair is wrong...I know that...but what I want to know is should I confess my feelings to him or not? It scares me becasue we have never done so before, but I feel that the time to bare our heart is long overdue.FYI: before anyone asks, my ex has inquired about our child and has seen pictures but I have decided against a meeting at this time. Too many changes going on at once.
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affair, divorce, move on, my ex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2011): So let me get this right:Years ago u had an affair with a married man. He did not leave his wife for you.you also had his baby. But he has had no contact with his kid at all.You marry. You have problems with your hb. You are still not fully committed and still not bothered about the scantily of marriage and faithfulness. You have an affair again.Can you see your character forming. Someone who doesn't bother about other peoples marriage and certainly not about her own.Now yet again u wait for your MM to leave his wife. Again!While you are having sex with your MM has the thought not crossed your mind just what a selfish person u have become. U play around with his "father" yet the kid is not good enough to know his father. Can u see the errors of your ways?Mere separation is not the answer. Divorce is. For yourself: your character and moral integrity has not changed at all. What exactly have u leant from your previous affair.Bottom line: both your hb and son deserve better. Really they do!LoveGirl
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (8 July 2011):
 I don't know if you and your husband laid down the boundaries, whether you could see other people while you are separated. Even if you didn't, I am very sure he won't be happy to learn that you are FWB with your ex. You may have a desire to have an intact family, to right the wrongs in the past. Maybe your husband sensed that and felt like an outsider. That's a perfect example of two wrongs don't make a right. I don't know what problems you had in your marriage but it sounds it's one sided since he's the one trying to convince you. Maybe you knew of his problems very early on but you chose him so that in case the relationship doesn't work out you have an exit plan because you are always saving one spot for your ex.
Confessing your feelings to your ex is more for you than for him, and you know that a relationship with your ex is a slim chance. I would discourage you from confessing your feelings, or to continue any kind of contact with him. It's very hard to respect and love a person who has to do things in a sneaky way. I also doubt you really respect your ex. The only good coming from confessing your feelings is that it would scare him away and end it for good. You run the risk of being humiliated when you find out that all he wants is sex. To know whether you truly love your ex, try imagining being his wife, seeing all his flaws such as not working through problems in a relationship and having no guts to end it.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (8 July 2011):
 You can, if that's what you choose. You're right, having an affair is wrong. If I were him, I say "She can have an affair so easy with me, so why shouldn't I think she can do the same while with me?" Having an affair [in itself] speaks to the nature of the character of the actors within the affair. I believe either one of you is dangerous for anyone to date.
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