A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Im African American. Whenever a non-black guy flirts with me, its the same scenario over and over again that I've learned to play along with it just for fun. He'll be overly flirtacious with me, (one would blow kisses at me) I'd take the bait and flirt back, he'd semi lead me on and then randomly drop that he has a girlfriend/wife. This happened two times last year. Just recently it happened this year a few months ago. I already knew he was gonna mention he was taken and just went along with the flirting because I was bored. And lo behold he mentions having a S/O but never talks about her that much. do these guys flirt just to see if black women are interested/available as much as women in their own race? I also want to know why these encounters never lead to sexI've had two offers from white guys that wanted me to perform oral on them. one approached me and said he always wanted to know what it was like to get head from a black girl, which was his way of propositioning me for oral. I declined because I was shocked by the comment but thinking back i wish I would have taken him up for his offer because I'd never been able to date a white guy or have sex with one
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male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (26 March 2015):
You reap what you sow.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2015): Sweetheart,
As a woman with rich dark chocolate skin; I think I'm gorgeous. If I wasn't me, I'd date myself.
I'm not beautiful in spite of my features (skin colour included) I'm beautiful because of my features. Beauty does come in all sorts of packages and the sooner you realise this, the better your life would be.
I have higher education and have had numerous posts in prestigious companies. Men black, white, blue, green whatever have wanted to date me seriously. I don't need their validation to be happy. I am happily with a wonderful gentleman.
It sounds like I'm showing off. I'm not. I'm opening your eyes to what someone exactly like you has made of their life.
It starts by stopping this pity party you have going on and taking control of your life!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2015): My goodness. You've gone from one extreme to another. No further comment.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCurrently, I'm not working towards higher education, I don't see the point. It won't give me lighter skin or keener features. What I want is money to modify my appearance to fit the White Standard of beauty.
"I'm a black guy too, i think you are still drown in this stereotype issue, you said someone is judging you because you are a black woman, why must you put color first, personally i think you have low self-esteem and is desperate for a white man in other to validate your self worth or esteem, I'm sorry but i think you are a sell out to a white men love yourself or nobody will"
Yes, maybe I do want a white man to validate me? Black men never did. I also don't want to have a darkskin daughter who will be unloved and unlucky in relationships
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2015): I'm a black guy too, i think you are still drown in this stereotype issue, you said someone is judging you because you are a black woman, why must you put color first, personally i think you have low self-esteem and is desperate for a white man in other to validate your self worth or esteem, I'm sorry but i think you are a sell out to a white men love yourself or nobody will
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2015): OP, you're letting stereotypes get to you. View white men as you view any man. They walk on two legs, some are good and some are bad. You no longer have to put on an act. Just deal with each man you encounter individually, look past his skin color and focus more on whether you're being treated respectfully as a woman. You've only had three unfortunate encounters, and you've placed far too much importance on them. They were bad examples of manhood.
Limit encounters with men in your public travels. You have to work on your self-esteem. You don't know how to interact with "white men" without coming out of character.
Stop letting race be the determinate of how you conduct yourself. You're a person, a woman, a human being. There are good and bad people of every race and ethnicity. There is no one person responsible for breaking stereotypes, because as long as there will be ignorance, there will be stereotypes. You didn't answer my question. Have you worked toward getting your degree, or are you seeking a higher education? A good education is changing the lives of black women, all women; and giving them empowerment. If you don't know yourself, or your potential as a woman; you'll always look to men to determine your value. You'll never know all your strengths and weaknesses. Education helps.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWise, I had become so misguided into trying so hard to disprove the angry black woman stereotype that I lost myself and became spineless and afraid to speak up. I feel like such a coward and a fool for falling for this game. It seems like they were using me just to see if they can attract all types of women, and when they learned they could, they quickly lost interest
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 March 2015):
 Based on your update, then the advice is short and simple :
DON'T.
Don't flirt back, don't appease them, don't pretend you are bubbly and sexually available if you are not. Don't play their game.
So what if then they should think or say that you are this or that , " mean , " cold ", whatever . Do you have to care ? Heck no !
I mean, seriously OP, these are guys that , for courting ( ?! ) you, can't come up with anything better than " hey black girl, come and give me head "... and you'd want to honour with your notice what they think or say ?! Might as well then caring about the opinion of the dirt under your nails !
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2015): Don't take the burden on your shoulders to correct or change stereotypes. Stereotypes are created from ignorance and intolerance. Your only responsibility as an individual, is to represent who YOU are; and demand respect for the type of person YOU are. To be judged for the "content of your character."
Being too nice and trying too hard to be liked is more obvious than you might realize; which will invite an "opportunist" to put you on the spot. Only because he recognizes you are uncomfortable with yourself. He'll interpret your over-friendliness as a come-on, or worse. That's why they tell you they're taken. You may be drawing the wrong kind of flirtations from these men; because they may think you're something you're not. Streetwalkers are "too friendly" to strange men.
Trying to disprove stereotypes by acting completely out of character; is showing that you yourself believe the negative-stereotypes about black women. Racist people don't change their opinions, they want to believe them out of hatred. Regardless of the facts before their very eyes. So you're wasting your time.
Be proud and be yourself at all times; and you will not draw attention that makes you feel you have to put on an act. Being half Native American, I don't need to get into it. You know where I'm coming from. The stereotypes seem endless.
People can see through your act. Being too nice, is not real. If your behavior around "certain" people is different with others; maybe your problem is your own discomfort with who you are. Imagine being on a plane, and having Middle Eastern features these days. Should I go overboard to make people "comfortable," for being born to look as I do? I'm much older than you, and I've learned over the years that you cannot bow to ignorance and intolerance.
I am also gay, but people tell me they "can't tell." That's because they "expect" all gay men to be effeminate; and all gay women to be masculine. Sweetheart, you'll never be comfortable in your own skin catering and submitting to the prejudices of people. Being "liked" by white guys will not validate you, or improve your self-worth. That's something done from within. Dating a white guy will not improve your social status. So don't get it twisted.
Your responsibility as a human being is to be proud, have dignity, demand respect (not by hostile attitude, by poise), and be classy. If men look your way and you don't want to be bothered, you don't perform to be liked. You look-away. If you're timid to bullying; then that was formed from trauma sustained as you were growing-up. You have to grow a backbone, and be assertive. Being assertive and being inappropriately aggressive, are two different things. Fending off empty-flirtation from taken-men doesn't make you mean, or a bitchy black woman. It demands appropriate behavior and respect from all men. Assume all men as taken, until you are properly introduced; and they tell you otherwise. So don't flirt back so fervently that they have to tell you they've got a girlfriend. Get a grip, girlfriend! Don't get played! You're sending out the wrong signals, trying too hard. Working against yourself.
You need to join a professional-women's organization, and get some mentoring from ladies( of all races) with careers and education. They teach you how to deal with all of that. I hope you've worked for your degree, or you're in the process. If you want to break stereotypes, you show everyone your talent and potential; and you'll learn more about society from a broader perspective. You'll form a better attitude about yourself, and how you are perceived.
Women of the 21st century should exude self-confidence, intelligence, and that's all any stranger needs to know about you as a person. That is universal, and has nothing to do with the color of your skin, or your ethnicity.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2015): Where on earth are you meeting these men? Stop hanging out there.
It's not a racial thing. They are just idiot. There are lots if them around and they come in all the sorts of colours
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2015): You should always try be polite and lady like. But don't take crap from these jerks. And you certainly shouldn't demean yourself or outright change your persona, make yourself 'sexually available,' on account of strange rude men's opinions of you. Who cares what they think? If they think you are 'mean' and 'cold' that is their problem. This is not something exclusive to black women having to deal with jerks who like to taunt girls. Women of all races have to deal with that. I am white. When I was your age, I was telling guys to f**k off left and right. I could care less what they think. I'd go into a bar with my friends and have these drunken fools salivating all over us with their idiotic pick up lines. Which they use on every single girl who walks into the bar. And it's gross. And a lot of them don't take a hint the first, second, or third time you politely glance away, or turn down a drink offer or outright ignore them. And you reach your boiling point and have to say, "dude, f**k the f**k off." But caving into them? Changing who YOU are to win their approval? Don't do that...they don't deserve it and neither do you. It makes you look weak and insecure.You've got to be tough. The thing with men is that when they sense weakness in you, they take advantage of it, like these guys are doing. Like in your case, you are not being nice in a genuine way. You are feigning this 'bubbly,' 'flirty' persona in order to gain their approval. Guy's are so keen to stuff like that. They can see right through that. So they are seeing not only what they can get away with (by initially being rude to you) but how far you will go to gain their approval (e.g. asking for oral sex from you).Would you go up to a stranger who seems aloof and disinterested and taunt him and say, 'you're mean,' 'you look depressed,' 'what's up with that chip on your shoulder?' You wouldn't would you? That's offensive to do to somebody. It's like bullying. Right? So why would you try to win the approval of guys who are being complete jerks to you? This has nothing to do with race. Be more confident in yourself. And don't be afraid to tell a guy who is being a jerk to you to go f**k himself. There are lots of guys like this for women of all races to have to deal with. They are a dime a dozen. White, black, hispanic, Asian. Every girl has to deal with men like these. Don't worry what they think. Just be you. Be true to yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question[quote]It could be the way you act, things you say, the way you dress, or a combination, that is giving these guys the impression that you are down for whatever, in terms of sex. The married guys noticed your forwardness and were probably just testing you for fun. But didn't act on it because they are married. And the other two guys were probably single so actually came right out and asked for a sexual favor from you[/quote]It has nothing to do with the way i dressed or the things I said that made them think I was down for whatever. for one, I worked at a job where uniform was required and everyone was covered from head to toe. so, I wasn't dressed sexy. Secondly, the men mentioned that I was too quiet, and needed to be more outgoing. So there was nothing I said to make them think I was 'easy'. they initiated contact with me and flirted first. And I never made any sexual comments during the flirting. You are judging me harshly because I am a black woman and you think I am inferior and desperate
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2015): This is not racial because if it was they wouldn't flirt with you. I think you are unlucky by encountering assholes who are like that to girls irrespective of race. I know lot of guys that would love to date a black girl but they get no opportunity. You may want to visit those places where guys are civilized.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2015): It may have more to do with the way you present yourself than because you are African American. My friend's best friend is black and she is in a serious committed relationship with a white guy. I have another friend who is black and her sister was married to a white guy from Sweden for many years. It is not that unusual really. In your case, maybe you are coming off as a "type" of girl, which has nothing to do with your race. But more with your demeanor. Which is why these guys are being so forward and direct sexually with nothing more to offer. It could be the way you act, things you say, the way you dress, or a combination, that is giving these guys the impression that you are down for whatever, in terms of sex. The married guys noticed your forwardness and were probably just testing you for fun. But didn't act on it because they are married. And the other two guys were probably single so actually came right out and asked for a sexual favor from you.I don't know what you are looking for but if you want to get more out of your encounters with men, it would probably behoove you to be lady like and let them get to know you first before letting things get overly flirty or sexual.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWiseOwie, I'm the same way with other races too. I feel that I have to be extra nice because of the negative stereotypes and reputation that black women have. I can't just be myself or I fear being ostracized or disliked. In fact, I'm so nice that I become spineless and an easy target for bullying
if they flirt and I remain indifferent, then they make comments that I'm 'mean' or 'depressed' or come across as 'cold' with a chip on my shoulder so to compensate for it I flirt back and try to appear bubbly and sexually available..once they realize I took the bait they mention they have a girlfriend or a wife and I feel like a s1ut/jezebel.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2015): Sometimes they have very little exposure to people of color, and the reaction is often a nervous-response. They feel they have to be nice out of political-correctness.
They think you're cute, you just happen to be African American, and in close-proximity. Your own curiosity and wish to be noticed may be obvious. They can see it in your eyes, and feel your gaze.
I am a multiracial person. Total strangers, mainly white; compliment my thick wavy hair, or give me a big smile. They are so curious to know what my ethnicity is; because my features are hard to determine whether I'm Arab, Middle Easterner, Latino, or from India. My dad is multiracial, and my mother is 100% Native American, Cherokee. I'm American.
Depending on what part of the country you live in, there are still racial-tensions between races. You just caught their eye, and you're most likely very pretty. They feel they have to flirt; because you're pretty, female, and they aren't really used to flirting with ladies of color. So they seize the opportunity. Some have terrible stereotypes of African American women, because of their ignorance. Not necessarily true about the guys you've met, but speaking from my own experiences.
Not much the same thing; but being gay, straight-guys aware of my orientation want to show me just how cool they are with it. They even awkwardly flirt, and I just smile and put them at ease. Sometimes they just want to know if gay guys would think they're hot or cool. I don't return the flirtation; because I don't set myself up like that. It is often not a real compliment, it's being presumptuous. I just politely smile it off; and let them know I'm just a guy like they are. Chill out!
You've only given three examples; so you can't say that always happens "because they're white." You only drew a correlation; because the three white men who did get up the nerve to flirt; just so happen to be taken. Guys who are flirtatious, who spot a pretty lady; will just flirt regardless of whether they're single or not. Regardless of their race!
You apparently don't get much exposure to white guys yourself; or you'd know a guy is a guy, and the only differences are our ethnic features. Date any race of men you want. Just be sure they are respectful, kind, and really like you. Just be aware they don't have some "racial-fetish," where you find a white guy who "exclusively" dates brown or tan women. Showing disrespect for women of his own kind. Yes, I've met that type as well. Some have even written DC, and proudly proclaim it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 March 2015):
 Honestly you ran into a couple of asshats.
I agree it's not about ethnic background. It's a MALE thing, these guys just used to fact that you are black as an "excuse" to hit on you. I'm willing to wager they don't treat "white" girls any better.
Flirting doesn't mean sincerity. Doesn't mean interest. Some flirt out of boredom, some as a game. Personally, I'd never take it serious.
I think anyone who wants to "try" thing with you out of a "novelty issue" is not worth having. I don't understand why you would EVER want to lower your personal standard for the novelty of "trying" a white guy.
I have seen a lot of very successful (what you Americans call "interracial") marriages while living in the military "lifestyle". These couples WORKED well together because it WASN'T about "race" - it was about compatibility and love.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (23 March 2015):
I don't think it's a racial thing. Or, only insofar people are always more curious about / intrigued by what looks all different, rather than what looks the same. I am white and I cannot count the times black guys have been flirtacious to me, at times OVERLY flirtacious ( I remember an UPS guy commenting on my butt in front of my 5 y.o. kid - I take flirting in stride , as a compliment actually, but did I get MAD that time ! ). And I have been invited a few times to " go black " because , apparently, once you go black you can't ever go back.
Yaaaawn. The usual stuff.
Just don't bait, if it bothers you.
The thing, IMO, is that flirting is flirting, and looking seriously for something specific ( sex, romance, a relationship, etc. ) is all another thing.
For most people of any race,flirting is a way to kill time, while away boredom, feel good about themselves, etc. but without any real intention to seal any deal ( as you have seen based on the fact that eventually it does not lead to a sexual encounter even when it would be quick and easy to arrange one ).
That it is politically incorrect, that these guys ( and girls ) are disrespecting their partners , who would not be happy to know what these people are saying to the opposite gender.....yes probably. Maybe. Maybe it's all a harmless game, maybe instead it is insulting ,offensive and vulgar.
It depends. from the wording, the intention, the situation and the general mood.
But that's not the point, the point is :
people flirt, ALSO people with SOs. As long as they just flirt, assume they do not want anything specific. Because if they DO want something, they'll make it known - they'll ask you out, fix you a precise appointment, ...they'll DO something other than shooting the breeze.
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