A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:"Dan" and I dated four years ago long distance. Last winter I took a vacation to his home city with my family and we hung out a few times. We kept in touch with long convos ever since, talked minimum every couple weeks. On Christmas day he called me and I told him I really would like to see him, and he said he'll try to apply for exchange here. It was a sweet conversation. We still kept in touch and last month I asked if he's coming for exchange. He said no, he's getting married and should settle down after marriage. I didn't take him seriously because since last winter, we've ALWAYS made these kind of jokes to one another. We're always flirting. Today he said he's actually coming for exchange and I asked him why he changed his mind. He said he decided to bring his wife. I told him I couldn't tell if he's serious or not since we joke so much, and he eventually showed me his wedding invitation. There's NOTHING else that would've clued me into this and he clearly seemed interested in me. I'm very shocked and he's surprisied I am... He considers us best friends which my gut is telling me something is off. I asked him why he called me like that on Xmas, and he said he should've called me more often and nothing's wrong about calling his best friend on any day, married or not. Is there a point to ask him if he ever got the idea I liked him? Or that he liked me? I'm not going to to keep close contact anymore, just want some closure. Also, am I being too conservative or he's just not smart? He's never been a sharp one. For reference I'm Asian American and he's East Asian. Thank you.
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best friend, christmas, engaged, flirt, long distance, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 March 2015):
 I think you already GOT closure. The guy is married.
I'm sure he KNEW you liked him and for a while HE liked you too, but not enough to be totally honest with you. Banter in one thing and so is joking around, but... IF he truly considered you his BEST of friends he wouldn't have used the being engaged and getting married as a joke. He would have INTRODUCED his Fiance/Wife to you - because THAT is what friends DO.
HE joked about it because THAT way he could keep you around. I think if you had KNOWN he wasn't kidding you might have cut the contact.
Sorry, I would not waste any more "romantic" feelings on this guy.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 March 2015):
 No, there's no point. Give yourself your own closure.
If you ask him, a ) he will repeat that it was all your wishful thinking and he did not mean anything more than friendly banter,- and you still will not want to believe him because you'll feel like a mug
or b) will confess that at some point yes, he meant to try it on with you, but ( add lame excuse ) .... and you won't quite believe him, you'll still wonder WHY then he said no at first, but he said yes later, and you will think " uhm maybe he wants to just humour me up / get rid of me once for all "....
and so on and so forth. You'll never get the factual truth, you'll never get closure until you'll get THE answer that you have envisioned in your mind, deep down, and that, for you, accounts perfectly and logically for all his behaviour.
But, since he does not know what's this answer ( the one you'd be willing to accept as the real one )- you will never have " closure " intil you decide ontentionally that his getting MARRIED is closure enough and you do not need to flirt with / have feelings for a MARRIED guy.
Married is married, that ship ( if ever there was a ship ) has sailed. It's over and done. Move on.
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