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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I have a few people in y life who ask questions they themselves talk vaguely about.They're close and I feel uncomfortable asking them why they ask something that they themselves do not talk about.For example, a friend of mine always asks about money, how much I/my husband earn, how much I got etc. While she herself is ALWAYS vague about the same topics. If asked she avoids the answer. At first I thought that, since she maybe thinks she earns more than most of us, she feels embarrassed (which she has no need to!).Then I realized that she just wants to know everything about other people without volunteering the same information herself.Whenever she has a crush on someone or falls in love, she tells you everything about him, except his name. We've known each other all of our lives, she knows I NEVER go around talking about other people's stuff.Again, she really "grills" others for concrete information.Sometimes she goes so far as to tell you a person's name, then in the next conversation (about the very same person) does everything she can to hide his identity as if she were talking about someone else. I always say "Oh I remember, it's "Peter" you're talking about..." and I see how uncomfortable she feels when she realizes that she has "slipped up" and that I now know this "thing".I feel uncomfortable raising this subject. The same way I do when it comes to my aunt.She does exactly the same thing. Since we are close, she asks soooo many questions, but when you happen to ask her something concrete, she becomes evasive and sometimes even LIES to avoid a direct answer. This makes me feel bad about myself.She is prone to manipulation on small and big things alike. And I have never called her out on anything. Now her daughter is growing up to be just like her mother (my aunt) and I can see better than ever how much I don't like these games.The problem is, when you know someone all of your life it's really hard to change the dynamics that has been installed between two of you. At least for me.If I were to meet someone like that NOW, I would clarify things, tell them and show them how they behave...Btw, both my aunt and my friend treat everybody else like they treat me. I don't take it personally. Mt aunt lies to and manipulates her own daughter. My friend keeps her own sister (and they are close!) also in the dark about the specifics.Any advice?Thank you!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2020): This is not about lacking a back bone it is about being scared to offend the other person and lose their interest. You are a people pleaser. Even if the other person does not care a hoot about you you very much want to please them. You very much want their approval and for them to think yuo are a nice person. But telling everyone your business does not make someone a nice person - it makes them naive.When people ask me things that are none of their business, nosey, intrusive or rude I say something like...I cannot rememberorHave a guess, what do you think?If they ask me why I did something I turn it around and ask them a questionThe other day a very austere and nosey neighbour asked me why I have four dogs.... she does not like it, even though she often has a whole gang of very noisy badly behaved grandkids around hers! My answer was - it is a lot more fun than only having three.Take care.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2020): Lots of people are nosey. You choose what you do or do not do, what you say or do not say. Just as they are secretive you can be too!I once met a woman who was looking for other females to socialise with. We were chatting with a view to maybe meeting up to go out for a social meal one evening. She said something along the lines of "I need to know your religious and political beliefs because if they are not the same as mine I do not want to know you". I was quite taken aback by this. I never discuss religion or politics with anyone. I find it boring and intrusive and judgmental. The fact she thought she was entitled to this information and decide if I was good enough by that told me that she was not worth meeting again.
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female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (16 August 2020):
 People treat us the way we allow them to treat us. They will act in certain ways if we let them. You have to draw the line, decide how open you want to be. Some people are bored, nosey and yes even rude when asking questions that most of them know isn't any of their business.
You need to get a backbone my dear. It isn't rude to say "I really would prefer not to discuss this subject". You can do it in a polite but firm manner. You can try laughing it off and changing the subject, but if that tactic doesn't work just come right and say so.
You say you've dealt with these people are your life so its harder to do. It may be harder but its not impossible. Don't give forth any more info that you want to! If you keep it up, they'll get the hint.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2020): I'm the original OP.Thank you so much for your advice!I was motivated to post this question after having been asked, by the friend I mentioned, only yesterday for how much we sold our car. Flat out, "For how much have you sold it?".Since, we are close, I found it stupid not to say. I'm not good at avoiding so I the only thing left would be "I don't want to discuss it". And for me that's weird. But, I'll get used to it!Today the same friend talked about how much she had put aside, without actually saying how much, and how well she had been paid this year, without actually giving the sum. I did ask her how much exactly, but she again avoided to say. And I just didn't feel OK with asking her - why is it ok for you to ask and not for me.Anyway, thanks again, I really need to work on this!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2020): Like on this advice-site, people avoid being judged at all costs. Although, given the same opportunity to give their own opinions (easily by anonymity); would not always be as light-handed as they'd expect everyone else to be in their case. Ever read Twitter? Chalk it up to human-nature! They want advice; but it has to be sugar-coated, and wrapped in pretty paper with a bow. While they're telling you that they hate their own mothers, cheated on their spouses, refuse to leave a toxic-relationship, or espouse very bigoted or intolerant ideologies. You try to be fair, but you still should be honest. People are people.
People getaway with whatever you allow them to. You can't always regulate their speech and behavior; but you can regulate how often you communicate and interact with them.
All our friends and family want to know the most intricate details of our personal-lives; while they're close-lipped when you might ask them a question along the very same lines. They know the question they've asked deserves a none-ya-business answer; but they'll test your transparency. They want to know the depth of your gullibility, your weaknesses, and fears. For the purpose of gossip, manipulation, and deciding how they want to treat you. As you well know! Most people like knowing they're better-off than you are. It gives them a false-sense of security.
You can always change the subject; or play a little game of truth or dare. You can also share only what they share; and when asked something too personal, draw the line and set your boundaries. You'll have to practice doing it, if it doesn't come naturally. TMI places you in a very vulnerable position, when it comes to narcissists and manipulators. You have to guard your soft-spots!
If you are going to deal with certain personalities on a regular-basis; you have to develop the courage and dexterity to deal with what they throw at you. "Feeling uncomfortable" about setting your boundaries will place you constantly in the cross-hairs of cross-examination and on the hot-seat. While you get frosted-out for the least amount of curiosity.
You can't blame them! You have to take responsibility for your interactive-skills; and how you deal with people. Age and experience should upgrade your mindset; and tweak any flaws in how you maneuver, navigate, and negotiate your way around people. It keeps you safe and respected. When you hit a wall, where they have no filter or don't respect your boundaries; that's when you cut-ties and completely disassociate. One of my aunt's favorite sayings is "handle them with a long-handled spoon!"
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 August 2020):
 Because they are nosey, yet at the same time protective of their private sphere. The two things are obviously not mutually exclusive,
Then again, as Honeypie says, dealing with this kind of persons is really not that hard .
YOU decide what you are comfortable sharing with whom and when. You are not under oath , in normal conversation; you do not have to answer just because someone asks. You may be as elusive as you wish, and change swiftly subject. Or you may be open and say flat out " this is not something I want to share " or " this is private info " or " I'd rather not talk about this " etc.etc.
Note that this entails that you should not feel entitled to know things about people, just because you have been open and forthcoming with infos about yourself. Everybody is free to choose how much of themselves they want to share and in reference to what . Some persons love to talk about themselves and are " full disclosure " types regardless of who's the asker. Some other people, totally not.
You do you; disclose just what feels comfortable and appropriate to you, and you won't have to complain.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 August 2020):
 My advice?
Give out as much info as you get back, with some common sense used (of course).
I'm fairly private. I don't gossip. I don't want to hear intermate details about your partner, and while I might be curious about this (such as finances) I don't ask. If another person volunteer, I'll listen but I don't OWE anyone (besides my husband) any details.
It's OK to change the subject or just say OUT FLAT that it's not something you wish to discuss. As you have noticed they AVOID the question AFTER you have answered, so knowing that, just decide if you WANT them to know the details or not, and then ANSWER with whatever info you are WILLING to share.
You say :" Then I realized that she just wants to know everything about other people without volunteering the same information herself."
Which means it it TOTALLY up to you HOW much YOU want to share. You don't OWE her any details just like SHE doesn't owe YOU (even if you answer HER questions) any details.
You can keep whatever you want private and personal to yourself IF you so choose.
It just means YOU have to be aware of what level of comfort YOU have when it comes to sharing.
It's not really that hard.
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