A
female
age
30-35,
*n0n
writes:I've been friends with this guy for quite a while now and I've never imagined myself falling for him. He's really fun to hangout out with and our conversations never gets boring we also share the same interests. We always joke around about us being single and would be jokingly flirting. We're always together and sometimes people mistake us for being a couple. Her sister (which I'm really food friend with) and her mom has mentioned that we should date but we just laugh it off everytime someone says that.Anyways lately he's been asking me for help and advice on how he can ask out this girl (she's on my closest group of friends). I guess this is when I realized I had feelings for him. He has told me that he never felt this way before and he wants to make it perfect when she asks her out. He's been bugging me to help her serenade her. I just wish that I could be her.Today we were just talking about relationships and how he told me all the things he likes about me and how he thinks I'd be perfect for him, if he didn't see me like his little sister (he's a year older than me)- this broke my heart.What I've noticed is that all the guys that I've became close with only see me as a friend and most of them have told me that they see me more like a guy friend. I know that it's supposed to be a good thing when they tell me this but I don't feel that way.Could you please give me an advice?
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female
reader, Sensible Alice  +, writes (13 March 2014):
 I apologise in advance here if I offend you, because that's not what I intend at all. I'm just wondering if you're a girly girl or more of a tomboy? The reason I ask is that I've a girlfriend who hung around with mainly boys, could speak their speak and dressed similar to them in ways. She was always up for a dare and could skateboard with the best of them. She was regarded as one of the boys. So when she developed a crush on one of them, she had a hard time making him view her as anything else but a 'mate'. I once asked one of my male friends if guys go for girls like that. He said, "Yeah, they're good for a laugh and fun to talk with." When asked if he'd date a girl like that he said, yes. (Anyway, please forgive me if I'm wrong, but I wanted to at least bring that scenario up just in case). So, anyway, if you are tomboyish I'm not saying go out and get dolled up or anything like that because that wouldn't be true to you and you'd probably feel awkward(though it is great on special occasions and an eye opener for those guys that see you as one of the boys), but just know that there are other guys in the wider circle that won't just view you as one of the boys. Help this guy ask out the girl he likes if you want to. Doesn't mean she'll say yes. It also doesn't mean that he will always view you as a little sister. Little sisters sometimes grow up in surprising ways, LOL. Good luck, there is someone out there who definitely won't treat you as one of the boys.
A
female
reader, like I see it  +, writes (13 March 2014):
 Ouch, that's tough and I'm sorry you're going through it.
All I can say is that he's probably thought of you as "just a friend" for long enough that that mindset is now difficult for him to shake. If you and he were to meet now for the very first time, you in possession of all these qualities he looks for in a girl, I very highly doubt he'd put you in the friend zone.
But if he's spent years seeing you as a little sister with whom nothing romantic could ever happen, the question becomes a lot more complex than "does he find me attractive or not?" It's more whether he can get past that element of awkwardness in the transition from seeing you as a very close comrade to seeing you as a potential love interest, and from what you've posted he has no reason so far to suspect that you even like him that way.
Heck, you're helping him plan ways to get with another girl so for all he knows you'd never *want* to be more than friends with him.
You have two choices here: say nothing in order to preserve the friendship, even if that means watching him pursue and maybe even date someone else... or speak your feelings, with the caveat that if he doesn't share them and can't see himself dating you the friendship may become awkward. Again, tough call.
To answer the more general question you pose of why this ALWAYS seems to happen to you, it sounds as if you seem to fall for guys after both of you have already classified your interactions as friendship and not potential flirtation. By taking chances on guys you don't know *quite* so well and giving sparks a chance to fly before you get really comfortable with them, you may be able to avoid the repeated friend-zoning. Be assertive and make some moves yourself if need be. That way, when you go to assess them as prospective dates and not just hangout buddies, they won't have already assumed you're not interested "like that."
Hope this helps! Good luck and best wishes :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2014): This happens frequently to people who get too attached to people in their social circles. They start out as friends. As time passes, one becomes attached in a romantic way; while the other is still obliviously in the friend-zone.
There are people prone to crushes. I'll call them the "crusher."
They meet people under the guise of making "friends." That circumvents rejection and commitment-phobia. It thereby forces people to like you without any complications. Giving the crusher a chance to draw close, and display their lovable qualities beneath your awareness.
It's opportunistic, and innocently-deceptive. They just want to be close and make very good friends.
There are certain criteria imprinted in our subconscious that we look for in people we are romantically or sexually attracted to. Sometimes this criteria shows up in friends.
People whom we may have known for years or a lifetime. We can't help but be drawn to these traits in their character; and the convenience of having them close makes it all the more difficult to remain platonic about our feelings toward them.
The word "love" can be said freely, so that's only adding fuel to the fire.
There is also a lazy-factor. People who fear rejection. They attach romantic feelings to friends; because there is an established relationship and they are in close-proximity.
There is easy access. You know their secrets, have personal information, know their likes and dislikes; and vice versa.
You have all the advantages without going through the complicated dating process; where you might get dumped for your quirks or insecurities. We depend on our friends. We
trust them without the complications and complexities that romantic-relationships demand. It's simple.
So it starts out with inappropriate flirting, getting intoxicated together, cuddling, sleeping over; or anything that will place two people in an intimate-setting.
The infatuated person reads everything from that point to
be signs the other person is attracted in the same way.
They start misinterpreting things close friends do, as romantic gestures. Wishful-thinking and delusion starts to over-take the "crusher's" feelings. The "crusher" tries to pretend they are a couple. Becoming too touchy-feely. Acting like a girlfriend or boyfriend. Getting jealous and protective. Spending far too much of their time with their friend, and rejecting other people in the process.
Sadly making extreme personal-sacrifices and doing everything/anything possible to prove their loyalty; and how indispensable they are. Suddenly the friend starts noticing something weird. Feeling a little too crowded.
That's when the crushers have to admit they have feelings more than friends. It's devastating when the friend finds their own romantic-interest. The crusher becomes a wedge or shows disapproval. Justified or unjustified.
The saddest thing is the awkwardness that follows. The friend didn't see it coming; because they thought it was just how close they are. Never really intending anything to change from what they were. They are cornered and have to hurt feelings by being honest.
They were feeling connected like family; while the crusher was feeling connected as a couple; or wishing they were.
Other people see the signs. As your other friends noticed how you attached yourself. They weren't talking about him, they were talking about you.
It's noticeable who the "crusher" is; so on-lookers coax the other person to acknowledge you. Again it gets awkward for the friend who doesn't wish to hurt your feelings. They pretend they don't notice. Once you tell them they have to put you back in the friend-zone.
You can't "fish in a barrel" by searching among your male friends. You have to learn to go after guys that are free and available. Learn how to make connections from start to finish. Not seek short-cuts, then wound up hurt, embarrassed and put in the friend-zone.
Do some introspection. Maybe it's not them. It may be you.
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