A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I broke up with my boyfriend of two years, three weeks ago. I genuinely loved him and felt that we had a solid connection. Yet, throughout the course of our relationship, I had to pay for our $1800/month rent, the bills, and the majority of our outings. We never went out because he had minimal money. My gut tells me he genuinely loved me, but he felt bad that he could not reciprocate.Honestly, I loved him so much that I could deal with all that except the fact that he was horribly mean to me, on occasion. He called me a wretched piece of sh*t. He would constantly talk about how other hot girls would hit on him-- which made me question/worry whether or not I was good enough for him.I broke up with him three weeks ago. His stuff is still in my apartment because he has nowhere to go. Today, he let it slip that he slept in his car the past weekend. I feel horribly guilty, but also bitter. He's 33. Why can't he figure it out for himself? I worked my ass off to pay for me, as well as him. Yet, I'm having trouble dealing with my guilty feelings.
View related questions:
broke up, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Marilissa75 +, writes (16 March 2014):
 Being mean on occasion by calling you terrible names or insulting you in awful ways is not acceptable. You feel guilty because you feel responsible for him and you love him still, but it seems to me he was using you. It is not out of the question for a woman to be older and more financially successful than a man and have it work, but men are generally not going to feel good about themselves in that scenario. The age difference is not necessarily an issue but the fact he was supported by you and depended on you and has to sleep in his car is an indication he has some deep rooted issues and it is good you called upon your own dignity and sent him out the door. You have empathy, which makes you a good person. He depends on you and tells you you are a piece of excrement. He sounds like a borderline personality, frankly. You are well rid of him. Give him a time frame within which to get his belongings. He has two weeks. That is reasonable. After that, throw them away as long as there is no legal reason you have to safeguard them for longer than that. By the way, I am dating a guy who is a few years younger than me and he pays for everything we do. I have not paid a single red cent for anything. Not saying I wouldn't, but if I did it would be in the form of a gift to him. I of course will eventually buy him a gift for his birthday if we are still dating at that time. I would not support him financially, though. I would not date a man who could not support himself. I would not date a man who would be in any way financially dependent on me. If we were married and he got sick, of course that would be a totally different story. I would obviously do my duty as a spouse and in a loving way. But that is not your situation.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (14 March 2014):
 It's normal to feel some discomfort when taking a bold new step. It might help you to see this in a different light.
What you had with him was not a solid connection, but a tacit understanding.
You may have loved your boyfriend but you certainly didn't respect him. When you tolerate (and indeed nurture) the worst in him you're admitting, by your actions, that you think he's weak and stupid and incapable of anything better.
You wouldn't expect a profoundly retarded child to ace an algebra exam, would you? Of course not, but you would encourage a child who wasn't to do well. In a way you treated your boyfriend, these past two years, as the profoundly retarded child and as a result, his own growth and personal improvement were stunted. HE CHOSE his own path, but you encouraged him to stay on that path.
Loving someone unconditionally is not the same as being with them unconditionally and forgiving them does not mean taking them back. The only way your boyfriend will become a better man is if he experiences the consequences of his choices.
He didn't just 'let it slip' that he'd slept in his car. This was a deliberate attempt to guilt you into taking him back. Regardless of how you feel do NOT show him any guilt. Remain confident and upbeat. YOU didn't spend the weekend in your car. Bummer for him that he did. You could say something like 'You would have a nice home to live in if you hadn't blown it. When do you plan to pick up your things?'
Speak to a lawyer to find out how to handle the removal of his things. Legally you're obliged to safeguard his property for a time while you arrange for him to retrieve them. Not sure exactly what the rules are in your jurisdiction, but you don't want him suing you because you left them outside to be rained on or stolen.
Turfing him out was the smartest thing you've done in two years. Whatever guilt you feel, don't let him see it. Like flexing muscles long neglected the pain will subside and it will get easier and easier until one day you'll look back and wonder why you didn't do it sooner.
You did the right thing. Don't start second guessing yourself. Everything will work out.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (14 March 2014):
 Any guy who called his girlfriend who is financially supporting him a "wretched piece of sh*t" deserves to spend the rest of his life in the car.
You feel guilty because you're used to his abuse. In this case, the best way to stop feeling guilty is to cut off all contact with him.
...............................
A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (12 March 2014):
 You have done him a favour really, he will have to work his own way out of his situation. Its his problem so he can either sink or swim. Time for him to grow up not come whining to you with sob stories.
You did the right thing cutting him loose, if he had appreciated all you did without the rotten comments, chipping away at your self esteem, controlling you - that would be different.
There is nothing to love about him really is there? But there is lots to love about you and don't forget that..
You deserve to be happy, to be in an equal partnership with a man who respects you. Who makes you happy. Being single and proud is a lot more appealing too.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 March 2014):
 Tell him to come pick up his stuff (arrange a time and date) and then cut the contact.
He has LET you carry the load for 2 years and NOW he wants YOU to feel bad for NO LONGER wanting to carry the full load and row the relationship boat.
He IS 33. He can figure it out he just don't want to. He want someone to MOTHER him. To pay for his way, so HE doesn't HAVE to. He is pulling a MASSIVE GUILT trip on you. It's your "fault" he slept in his car. No, it's not. He just doesn't want to OWN being responsible for himself.
Feeling "bad" that he couldn't reciprocate gets him no where. It gets YOU no where.
Is he not working? And where did he live before moving in with you?
Don't be bitter, you let him go because you KNOW deep down that he will NOT all of a sudden "man up" and take part in taking care of the finances WITH you. He was PERFECTLY CONTENT to have you PAY for everything.
I think you did the right thing. And it's going to hurt breaking up if you genuinely cared for him. But I think in your case it CON's by FAR outweighed the PRO's to keep it going.
For two years he has tried to CONTROL you by putting you down and trying to make you THINK that should be LUCKY to take care of him. And it worked, didn't it? Because IT made YOU worry you weren't good enough. It's called DEFECTION. Making YOU feel like YOU are not good enough, when it all comes down to HIM not being good enough. What a manipulative prick.
Say good riddance!
...............................
|
