A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have feelings for my friend. It's sort of a confusing story. So let me begin describing the background and then where he has me very confused. It begins with a gay app that allowed us to meet. He was near my location so I messaged him. We chatted on it for a while, when he told me he was thinking of deleting the app because there was a guy he was excited about, but on that note he still wanted to ensure to keep my friendship. And he just wanted to ensure that he wasn't playing with my feelings. Well, about a week later he basically tells me that it didn't work out with that guy, but he still wanted to delete the app and he basically said I was the coolest guy I had met there. Naturally, I can take the hint and I assumed at this point we were still friends. So he begins asking me more about my schedule and when I am free. We finally meet up one meaning. He ensured he was out from work before he could spend time with me. So we sit outside on a bench together and we talk about a plethora of subjects and this goes on for about four hours. Eventually, I tell him I am sorry to have to leave him, but we will just have to do this again. He agreed. And he offered to walk me to the parking lot. Now because of the "just friends" prior to meeting, I didn't know how to say goodbye. And I don't think he did either. So we just shook hands. He didn't let go of my hand right away...and he looked into my eyes, I pulled a little away and I heard him say something like "that was awkward.So our next hangout happened two weeks ago. Actually I was headed out of work. And I told him I would be in the area, and that I was going to be a friend's house. However, my friend decided that he wanted to go to bars, and I texted him to tell him I didn't want to go with my friend. So he texted me telling me to use the "excuse" that the two of us would meet up. I thought I could just get away with telling my friend I was going to meet-up with a friend, but actually he really wanted to hangout.So we arrange a dinner hangout at 10:30pm at night, and before he comes up to meet me at the restaurant--I text to ask him how late he could be out (given he has work in the morning). He told me he didn't want to be out and about past 12 am. So he finally arrives and orders a plate of food, and I curiously asked him "why so big?" He was like, "it's for the both of us." It was quite the nice gesture. Anyway, once again we resumed swapping life stories and just having a wonderful time. Eventually it's around 12:10 am and I remind him of the time, I thank him for joining me and that we can continue this some other time. Well he doesn't get up. We continue chatting and it gets to 12:37 am and he doesn't get up. So once again we resume chatting and eventually it is 1:33 am at which point he tells me he is sleepy, but he had a wonderful time.So we both get up and we stare into each other's eyes. And rather than do a hug, we do the handshake. Again he holds my hand and I feel his hand caress mine. He doesn't immediately let go either. I thought the first time maybe I was just excited about him that I imagined that detail, but he did it again.Well now it appears we text frequently. Sometimes I can't tell if he's flirting with me or not. He thinks I am going to say something dirty (something I do want to say) but instead I say something sweet and innocent. And he texts "I thought you were going to say something different." It isn't an every day thing. Sometimes we go like one or two days without hearing from each other, but it's mutual because when he doesn't hear from me for a while he will text me. And I will text him when I feel it's been a few days. At any rate, we were talking about TV shows the other night. And he mentioned one I had not seen and he told me he would make me a copy and give it to me next time he saw me. I didn't waste the opportunity to ask when that would be. And he responded that I was to determine that. We proceeded to talking about favorite shows, and he mentioned he wasn't too into my all time favorite show. He sensed I like the show so much that he told me he wants to give it a try and so--now we are meeting up and exchanging our favorite shows with one another. He asked me if we could meet for lunch, but that's too short for me. So we are both meeting up later this week we have more time to hangout.Also, he sent me a picture of himself the other day. He had changed his hair.Now my questions. Sorry the the story got too long. Is he just a good friend? Does he like me as more? Is he just being nice and I am looking too much into the not letting go of the hand? Why does it feel weird for the both of us to just hug it out after our hangouts? All advice is appreciated. Thanks and sorry for the long-winded question.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2014): Edit:
It helps if you what you want, and strong enough not to settle for less.
Correction: It helps if you know what you want, and strong enough not to settle for less.
Sorry!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2014): Yes, he likes you. He is wise to allow you both to get to know each other, and allow the attraction to grow. It helps if you what you want, and strong enough not to settle for less.
Too often gay men (young and older) get immediately infatuated. They are always on a mission to snag a boyfriend. They don't allow feelings to connect gradually and naturally. They are too much in a hurry to find a fairytale-relationship.
He is a realist, and he knows how to date, and court a person until "real" feelings have a chance to take hold. At this point, he may not know if you're the type of guy he is attracted to romantically. He definitely likes things about you.
There is a period where he has to evaluate you, and to determine if you meet certain criteria he wants in a man. Like myself, it takes me a little time to decide what kind of feelings another man evokes in me. Most want to just jump into bed before they even know anything about me. That's the reality we face being single, and meeting other people. They may very well like you, but they can't really like you if they don't know you.
How much or the way he likes you, has not been established. He is wondering if you're thinking the same. Mind you, he thought he'd met someone he liked just prior to you both meeting. He is also well-educated on how online romances go.
The thing that leans heavily in your favor, is that he was been very honest; and he kept to his word. He didn't dangle you on a string, or play any pretentious games. As too many guys would. Which may be typical of online-connections.
He is exploring friendship, compatibility,and making sure he doesn't rush into anything like he may have done with the other guy. Let's say he may be a little guarded of his feelings because of it. Romance becomes more definitive over-time. Instant-lovers sometimes end-up only friends.
We should learn something whenever an attempt to make a connection goes wrong. Then we tweak our approach, and the way we handle the next one; as it appears he is doing.
At your next meeting, ask him how things went with the other guy; and why he thinks it didn't workout? Listen
carefully, you are opening an opportunity to find out where his head's at. Searching for viable clues. You've done a lot of "talking" up to now. You have reasonable questions that need real answers regarding where this may be going.
You need to know how to program your feelings.
My assumption is, he may like you better in comparison to the other guy. He was considerate by letting you know of his intentions from the start, and kept his previous obligation. He then ended it, and continued the friendship he has initiated with you. He left his options open; and did not hinder yours.
He is learning about you a little at a time. Being deliberate in his approach; and not rushing into anything. That is probably the mistake he made with the other guy; or the other guy may have made with him.
At the end of the evening, when he is about to leave and sticks out his hand, open your arms. Invite him in for a hug. You have spent enough time together that even a friendly hug is over-due.
I would say, follow his lead and let things develop over-time without over-thinking everything.
I am a gay man, and do see something in the making here. I just think if you allow him the time he needs, and take more initiative to show him affection; you'll get more clues. Just don't be too eager; because he may be the type who spooks easily. Or, just the opposite. He may fear falling too quickly. So he's riding his brakes, so to speak.
Let things flow. The best friendships cultivate this way, and if he does develop romantic-feelings; allow him to let them to happen at his own pace. That gives him time to catch up with your feelings. Sometimes letting on prematurely, we scare people off.
We gay men do tend to be too eager to form relationships; but we don't seem to have a grasp on how to cultivate a potential romantic-connection. Starting from the initial introduction, to the stage where we can establish a romantic-connection truly exists.
We just want that fairytale-love to blossom instantly. That's the mistake our female counter-parts make. Too much haste. Belief in that "love-at-first-sight" bullsh*t. I have never bought that crap, and will never perpetuate that media-contrived hooey to any of the OP's seeking sensible advice.
Immediate chemistry is likely to fade; and there is such thing as lust at first sight. This is all in the realm of reality. Sooner or later, we will all learn this.
Don't shock him. Take clues from his squeezing your hand.
Squeeze back. Introduce a good hug. Then a kiss on the cheek. Let things flow at the easy-going pace they are now.
I understand him; because that is precisely how I do it, and personally prefer to be approached. Let things build to a climax.
In any case, you have made yourself a very good connection. I think there is good potential for more. You do not have to settle for his friendship; if you really want more from him.
Pull-out in protection of your feelings; if you feel being put in his friend-zone is being held emotional-hostage. Just as he was wise enough to do; because he didn't find what he wanted with the other guy.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2014): Hi
Honestly, I'm not very experienced with this stuff myself either, but to me it's pretty apparent that he's interested. No guy would go through so much unnecessary effort for a friendship (f.i. if friends have different tastes in tv series, that doesn't pose a problem at all, whereas it does for people in a prospective relationship: The partners have to get used to the other person's taste since they'll probably be watching tv together much in the future)
What you're perceiving as reticence and signs that he may not be interested, probably is just the fact that he's a somewhat awkward person, or just that you make him a bit nervous sometimes. In conclusion: I think he's interested in being more than a friend and you should definitely try to pursue this :) Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2014): Sounds so cute. He sounds like he likes you. Don't be afraid to say/ show what you feel. Flirt when the moment comes up and enjoy each other's company. It's only a matter of time until you both admit it
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