A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I know this might seem a dumb question but it's bothered me in a lot of relationships I've been in as I've noticed most guys seem to do it and think it's no big deal to lie about it .Why do some men say things to their partner like 'you're the only woman I think of ' , 'I'm not even interested in looking at other women ' or the best , ' you are the most beautiful woman in the world to me so why would I need to look at other women ' when they collect pictures of models , celebrities on their phone and use porn ?Why don't they just give their wives a sincere compliment that doesn't involve any reference to other women or better yet , say nothing at all if they can't be genuine?Are these men actively trying to feel better about themselves by making their wives or gfs look like idiots . Why are they giving such obviously insincere lies and trying to pass them off as truths?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2017): Golf may indeed be a great motivator for lying but it certainly isn't an excuse and in no way does it exempt the liar from the consequences of the lie !
If a man lies to a woman and say he doesn't use porn after she expressly tells him it is a deal breaker to her , in order to keep her , the. He should expect her to leave him once she finds out the truth , and rightfully so.
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (19 January 2017):
 guilt is a great motivator for lying.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (27 December 2016):
 In my opinion, you do so by opening an in-depth dialogue with the guy in question about how he views porn in the bounds of a committed relationship, and you express your own views about the existence of porn in a committed relationship.
Keep in mind, you're confronting hundreds of years of the "culture of the unspeakable and unwritten". Today's internet gives access to porn like no other time in history. Before, it was the collection of Playboys under the bed or the renting or buying of videos behind the curtain of the video store. Before that, it was the burlesque or the seedy porn houses, or the naughty playing cards. But the one thing that prevails throughout history is the rule of the Unmentionable.
The unmentionable is that age old gender issue that women are delicate flowers and men are secretly nasty and stinky and we women wouldn't understand certain things. Why in childrens' nursery rhymes are girls "Sugar and spice and everything nice" and boys "slugs and snails and puppy dog tails"? Because of the Unmentionable.
That is NOT to excuse disloyal behavior, and the line must be mentioned and spoken about and agreed upon. My line may be different than your line, OP. Some wives or girlfriends are fine with their husbands going to strip clubs or buying live webcam dances or saving sex tapes of their exes. I'm not. Some women are okay with guys viewing porn but not collecting their own. Some women are not okay with a guy who has a single thing to do with porn. Such guys are rarer, but they do exist. On the flip side, some guys aren't okay with women who use vibrators inside of a relationship because they feel like those vibrators are competition. To these guys, porn is their mental vibrator and just as impersonal.
Lying is not okay, this I agree. But in this day and age, if you have a specific dealbreaker when it comes to porn, you must spell it out. I noticed, OP, that you didn't say that your guy declared that he DOESN'T collect porn when he does. What you said that he said is that he "Doesn't look at any other woman". Is he lying?? Yes and No. You could argue either way that what he's looking at are IMAGES of other women, not ACTUAL other women.
Now, if you are specific and asked him whether he watches or collects porn and he says no, then he is LYING and there is no excuse. That's like saying that he's not married when he is. He misrepresents himself, and therefore you must make your decision on that.
I've seen on here guys justifying lying to women because "They never understand". I couldn't disagree more. A guy should tell the truth and risk losing the woman he is with, but the truth should remain. Likewise, if a woman knows that the guy is a porn watcher and she's not okay with it, she shouldn't stay with him and try to change him. Doesn't work and he will simply continue anyways.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2016): Original poster here, You wish makes a great point here , I agreeyou're okay with a guy who collects porn. It has to do with compatibility.And this would be oh so easy EXCEPT for the very reason I ask this question . SOOO many men seem to be saying one thing yet secretly doing another making it almost impossible to make an honest and serious evaluation of what the truth is about a mans true porn habits and values.I totally one thousand percent agree that each person woman and man has the choice to decide whether to use porn and also that each person has the right to decide whether to be involved with someone who does. My problem is that many men seem to be feeding women one set of lines about how they don't need or want it whilst actually being quite sneaky and deceptive and collecting and using it which makes it really difficult to makes the decision you wish alludes to. Short of being extremely open and encouraging dialogue early on , which is clearly extremely important in all relationships , how does a woman simply find out which type of man she is with ?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 December 2016):
 How does a woman know?
Well, I'd go slow (like REAL slow) when meeting a guy. Take my time getting to know him, his attitude towards things I wasn't a "fan" off, his values, morals etc.
To be honest, I have never been with a guy who would utter that kind of phrases to me. They certainly wouldn't feel sincere. Because let's face it... It sounds like bullshit if you use common sense. Why do I say that? Because I don't believe ONE person can be another person's "everything".
So I think if I met a guy who said stuff like that often, I'd think he is a tad "dramatic" or just a little insincere.
And then there is the simpler way - WATCH his behavior and what he says - does his actions match his words?
Maybe mention in your profile (if you do online dating) that you are a BIG fan of honesty. And not mention (right off the bat) that you are NOT interested in dating a porn user. Why hide that? Because many who are interested in dating YOU will rather LIE to you and say they don't use it, then be honest upfront OR skip you. Check out the guys go decide to go out on dates with (like look up his FB/social media) it can TELL you a lot about him as well.
But lastly, there ARE no guarantees that you can "spot" a guy who likes porn or one that doesn't use it. I think taking your time in the initial "phase" of dating can save you a lot of "trouble" later on.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2016): It's a risk you have to take and just do the best you can. The world is full of liars. There are some topics that even mostly honest people will lie about. The best you can do is lay your cards out on the table pretty early and make it clear that you view this matter as YOUR issue, not a big failing of theirs.
Many women lie about their sexual history because "men can't handle the truth". It's the same kind of problem. Although I dare say men get treated worse for having that preference than women get for being against porn.
Men are often told that we should be going with a "don't ask, don't tell" attitude about sexual pasts instead of actually holding out for what we really want. Maybe that is what more women need to do with porn.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2016): Original poster here, You wish makes a great point here , I agreeyou're okay with a guy who collects porn. It has to do with compatibility.And this would be oh so easy EXCEPT for the very reason I ask this question . SOOO many men seem to be saying one thing yet secretly doing another making it almost impossible to make an honest and serious evaluation of what the truth is about a mans true porn habits and values.I totally one thousand percent agree that each person woman and man has the choice to decide whether to use porn and also that each person has the right to decide whether to be involved with someone who does. My problem is that many men seem to be feeding women one set of lines about how they don't need or want it whilst actually being quite sneaky and deceptive and collecting and using it which makes it really difficult to makes the decision you wish alludes to. Short of being extremely open and encouraging dialogue early on , which is clearly extremely important in all relationships , how does a woman simply find out which type of man she is with ?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 December 2016):
Because the man who says these things has compartmentalized his life, believing that the random images and porn aren't real. He may believe that he's looking at "spank fodder", so therefore to him, his lie is true.
He very well may be telling the truth that he wouldn't look at another woman in real life, or have anything to do with cheating as he sees it. He hasn't taken into account that the values of the woman he's with means that she sees random porn as disloyal to their relationship, as she now feels the need to measure up to the airbrushed images he's collecting.
The analogy of Trashy novels and romance movies being a woman's mind fodder is more real than you know. They are an ideal that could be accessed by women in the event that their real life companion can't possibly aspire to, such as some handsome billionaire who knows just what to say and do to turn a woman on vs an average looking husband who lives paycheck to paycheck that we have smelled his morning breath before.
You must decide whether or not you're okay with a guy who collects porn. It has to do with compatibility.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2016): Why do women in committed relationships still read trashy romance novels? Why do women follow relationship gossip among their friends/coworkers? Similar reasons.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2016): Well I think they would like to believe their own words when they say these things. And maybe on some level it is true...they do think their girl is the best thing that happened to them, even if they check out others it means nothing. Also, some guys really don't use porn, so it might not be a lie for these ones.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (25 December 2016):
 This could be a huge essay on why people lie but let's keep it simple.
People lie (in relationships):
because they can,
because it's the easy way out,
because it gets them out of trouble, because it helps them get laid,
because it helps to please their partner, because it helps them look good in their partner's view,
because the truth hurts,
because they want to avoid conflict,
because it makes them look good...
The list can go on and on..
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 December 2016):
I think some men say things like this because that is what they THINK the woman wants to hear, other men... say it because in THAT moment they mean it.
And then the last group, they don't EVEN compare you to the thumbnails/porn/celeb photos - because YOU are real and they don't quite view the pictured women as "real". If that makes sense.
Personally, I wouldn't feel like an idiot for enjoying a positive compliment that was MEANT well, but maybe not the "whole" truth. I mean I'm OLD enough to know that I'm not even on the scale of beauty compared to some celebs. But do I care? No.
Just take a compliment for what is it, THE guy trying to SAY something positive to make YOU feel great. Take it with a grain of salt. Kind o like a "that dress looks great on you" (but he really dislike the shape or color but he KNOWS you love it).
And again, personally? I'd rather my husband look at porn than use images of ME for that. I'm so much more than a visual aid for jerking off.
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A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (25 December 2016):
Because inside every man there is a little boy.Did you ever hear the old saying ...BOYS WILL BE BOYS...and that what you are dealing with.There is another old saying.THERE IS NO HARM AT LOOKING AT THE MENU.....meaning men will look.Yes i can understand your point of view and it can be dreadful on women who experience this,and very unfair.Kind regards NORA B.
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