A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I understand some of the usual excuses... loss of freedom,been hurt before, loss of space, one lover for the rest of their lives, etc but I just can't wrap my head around the emotional aspect from a man's point of view. I have been told that the idea of a long lasting close friendship( with benefits) is a lot more apealing then commiting to someone he knows for a long time, is attracted to, has a foundation with, knows she cares for him and will NOT hurt him.....etc. He claims to be looking for this elusive "perfect woman" and that that's the reason "he won't settle". Is it me or is that statement not insulting in implying that the person he wants to be "long term friends wb" does not meet all the "requirements?. Can this type of man expect me to really do that knowing that I will attach in this type of relationship, therefore giving up MY own desire for security and a family life.....not to mention how hurtful it would be if a i were to agree to such an attachment and one day he would announce that he found his " miss perfection" and they're getting married. Is this type of man a lost cause or does he just need time to warm up to the idea and how would you advise I proceed with this man?Thank you so much for reading and for your thoughts on this:) Reply to this Question
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (9 July 2010):
 There's a contradiction here. If the perfect woman is a close friend offering emotional support and sex, then he can be happy without getting married, that means if you can be that then he wouldn't look for a better one to marry, because obviously marriage is not a desirable lifestyle in which people take each other for granted. The answers here are basically teaching young women that if you want a man to marry you or at least be happy with you, you have to be elusive and unavailable. In other words, in order to get the security you want, you have to act like you don't care for it, because the men would try to change your mind and proove to you that you need men in your life. This is not just about men. When men get too clingy and propose too soon, the women get turned off the same way.
A lot of men can agree with this guy, but he just sounds negative and insensitive to me. Whenever a guy talks to me about women like he's talking to another guy, I want to run.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2010): You know exactly what it means and the other Aunts have confirmed it for you.
I'm a man and I can tell you from my perspective that what he's looking for is a dream, a fantasy. He wants a woman that does all the relationship things for him but will never ask for anything in return.
I mean most guys have at one point wished they could have a girl like that, no emotional investment beyond friendship but with sex thrown in whenever we want for the long term and the girl always just smiles and plays along. Never giving us grief, never demanding anything, not caring that we go around trying on other girls for size and doesn't get hurt or emotional about things because we're just friends.
You know, so we can pretty much be single but have a fool (for lack of a better term) to give us emotional comfort and sexual pleasure while we go out in search of a woman we can actually fall in love with.
For most of us though that is just a fleeting thought, a momentary flight of fancy, a what would it be like if... kind of thought. You know why? Because no one except the most heartless of assholes would ever expect another person to live like that.
You wanna know the truth from a man's point of view, he wants you as a f**k buddy that he can throw away, guilt free, if you no longer do it for him or he finds someone better. It will NEVER be anything more to him no matter what you do.
In short he's saying 'I don't ever want to be in a relationship with you, but you're attractive so I'll have sex with you as long as you promise never to want anything more and keep me satisfied'
You already know that you have too much self respect to just settle for that kind of thing, you already know that nothing more can happen (even though your heart might try and convince you otherwise) and you already know the right course of action here. Just don't make the mistake of actually holding onto hope of anything more developing because it's not.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (8 July 2010):
 I'd find it insulting and instructive. That entire little rationalization he has going on there is fascinating. Fascinating but unworkable for you, I'd say.
Lost cause. Say bye-bye and let him wreck some other woman's life.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (8 July 2010):
This type of man is a lost cause. He will always be searching for miss perfection, and will never commit. This is the sort of man who can ruin a woman's life. Hence why if you're interested in a man like this, your best bet is to move on, because nothing will come of it.
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