A
female
age
41-50,
*es
writes:Everyone, I've been here for sometime and I'd like to ask for your opinions on commitment and dedication in a relationship. I was raised in a traditional Eastern European family. Our attitudes towards relationship are: -No matter how hard or painful it is, how many times you have to put yourself out there, you WORK it out. -Divorce/break up is the absolute last resort, it is regarded as essential failure that you did not put enough effort into the relationship (not all cases - i.e. abusive husbands, criminals, etc. don't count). From reading these boards/listening to people outside, the general themes I get are:- if its broken, don't try to fix it- there's always somebody else out there- trying too many times/putting yourself out there too much is just you being desperate- if the relationship is too complicated or there are emotional problems involved or if there is too much history, its better to move on. This anon. quote summarizes what I'm trying to say "Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down"Is it just me or does it seem like everyone is expecting relationships to be so easy and are willing to give up so easily? Yes, they're hard, but as a society, we are ambitious and will do anything for money, career, wealth, but for love? Meh./Rant but would love opinions.
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female
reader, les +, writes (26 August 2008):
les is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEveryone, thanks for your responses but I want to clear up my post.
I did NOT mean sticking by with people who you feel feelings of lust for, that you have been dating for a few weeks or a few months or people who have clear mental problems or b/c you feel a "connection".
I mean a partner that you know, love, appreciate and that has some important values that have made you decide to invest time, a lot of time, in them.
And I'm talking about not working hard enough/putting yourself out there for someone you are COMMITTED to not someone you have an instant attraction to.
It just seems to me like too many people give up on long-term relationships/marriage due to problems or incompatibility that I've seen solved many times over in my life - not easily solved perhaps, but nonetheless solved.
I.e., I've heard so many stories/read so many posts that went along the lines of - I've been with my partner for x amount of years, we have n children, but we've been fighting a lot and I met someone else I'm attracted to - should I leave my husband/wife?
It seems to me this way, and I'm just asking if other see it this way too.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2008): Your question is not deep enough to warrant a deep answer. Relationships are hard, they require work, mostly they require two whole, mature minded, responsible individuals COMMITTED to making it work. Love is not a feeling.
Love is being a person WORTHY OF LOVE, committing to taking care of our love object's needs very often above our own, putting them first over ourselves and making sacrifices. It is a CONSCIOUS DECISION to love.
Making conscious decisions to love requires some time and some maturity and a certain level of character development. Not all people are able to get this on a deep level....they think love is about themselves and how they feel.....love isn't about how you feel, it is about how the other person feels when they are with us....we have to be and act with loving behaviors. Love requires action on both parts or it withers and dies and self disentegrates......it isn't that people think it is supposed to be easy, it is that they lack the ability to truly love....or they make very poor choices in a partner who is not able to love them back.
Take care.
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