A
female
age
41-50,
*DinCali
writes:It's been two years now that I've been doing the single parent thing, (I'm over my divorce). And... I can't tell you how disappointing it's been for me, to merge back into society with a different status.I recently stopped attending this mega church, because I was such a Taboo there, (amongst other reasons, like poor child care). I'm more likely to get an eye full of pity, than a chance to date a good man.A guy once told me, "Well, a lot of guys think single Mom's will put-out easier, ya know, since she's had kids before and is most likely desperate." Ummm....no I don't know, I'm not easy pickin's! I despise the fact there are men who think this way.I've had the worst luck lately with players and immature men. Honestly, there are times when I just feel like giving up on finding a man, but I now have intimacy needs more than ever, (as if I didn't have enough pressure! lol). I also can't help, but want to complete my dream of having a devoted family and give my son a great father figure. My son is two and it kills me when he calls random men "Daddy". Any ideas on how to return to the social ring and date decent men?
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (19 February 2011):
 Your mother and stepfather are crazy.
A
female
reader, JDinCali +, writes (19 February 2011):
JDinCali is verified as being by the original poster of the question I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate all your advice. This kind of honesty isn't often received here, because I can't really talk about the r-word, (relationships), around family mainly my Mother. She and my Step-father feel that I should remain single until my son is out of the house. Considering, forming relationships after divorce and with kids didn't work for them, they don't see my fate becoming any different. Being 30, (in a couple weeks); it's insulting for me to discuss my relationship matters with them, so I've opted to not talk about it. ...And there's only so much you can say to friends before it's worn out. So, again, thank you for your time.
Getting into a more sophisticated scene sounds good. Though I wouldn't be able to afford much of that and I'd hate to be misconstrued as a gold digger looking for that "bail out". Maybe I'll work-up the courage to make an online profile again and hopefully during spring break I'll have better luck than last summer. :)
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A
male
reader, Ignacio ramos +, writes (19 February 2011):
The only man in your life is your son he comes first befor any man make sure you tell the guys you date that you have a son if they don't like it alwhell so bad so sad
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (19 February 2011):
 The only answer I can offer is patience and perseverance. As you point out, dating as a single mom is tough, especially if you're also trying to maintain a stable environment for your child.
I can offer some insight into the male thought process, if it will help you strategize.
Players know single moms tend to be easier - not immediately after the breakup, but when they get to the point where they need intimacy, as you say. It's when you need the most you're willing to give the most.
There are plenty of decent men who simply don't want anything to do with single moms. Some don't do it because they know they will always be second place to your child. Others want to invest time and effort raising their own children, not some other guy's. Most have just grown tired of being white knights sometime in their twenties, and would view dating you as bailing you out - which they don't want to do (whether it's true or not, that's what many will believe).
It is important for your son to have a father figure - many people seriously underestimate their importance, like the anon below - but it's more important that he have a stable environment. Children of single parents are at a significantly increased risk of growing up with behavioral issues, and a lot of that stems from the lack of stabilty when they are young. If you can date, do it, but above all you must be sure your son doesn't have to see a succession of suitors vying for the position of "daddy." Be patient, wait until you've found a good one.
When the time comes to talk to a new guy about your ex, be very careful how you describe him - they will judge you a lot by how you talk about him. If you despise him, they will think you can turn on them, to. If you still love him, they won't want to risk him coming back. If the divorce was your fault, or you destroyed your ex in court, new guys will not want to risk that, either. Don't criticize him harshly, and avoid any positive descriptor other than "I thought he would make a good father and husband." And avoid any use of the word "mistake" or the phrase "had my fun." Guys see any of these thigns as red flags.
Instead, when it's time to talk about your ex, say as little as possible, don't look too emotional over it, and show that you were trying to make the right decisions rather than just thoughtlessly doing what you felt like. Make it clear that you would not throw the new guy under the bus for anything. You'll have to lower your standards for many things, but loyalty is not one of them - and in return, demonstrate that you, too, can be loyal.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2011): the best way to attract a decent man is to be a decent woman, and to remain secure with your new 'situation'... It goes without saying that none of us planned to end up as single parents, in fact many of us hadn't planned to be parents at all. Allow the strength of your commitment to your son to become a source of pride for you, rather than exemplifying the shame that single mothers have for so long been burdened by at the hands of our patriarchal world. When you meet loser men who are just looking to hook up, remember that you are not defined by their expectations; their sleazy behaviors may speak volumes about them, but they are no threat to your dignity... unless of course, you let them make you into what they already believe you are.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (19 February 2011):
I don't think people who come to Dear Cupid for advice are silly. They are just people in need of advice. Sorry if my blunt way of responding made you feel like you're silly, but you're not.
Yes, I can imagine dating as a single woman is easy, and not so as a single mother. Now you have a kid to take into account.
Let me tell you something. Single mothers do have an advantage, for the man who bothers to look. If he looks at your child, and finds him in disarray, then he knows that's you in action. If the child seems normal and well cared, but not obsessively so, then the mother kind of strikes you as a well-balanced woman.
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A
female
reader, JDinCali +, writes (19 February 2011):
JDinCali is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for reading. Feel kind of silly now for venting about this. Kind of an ambiguous rant demanding an answer to my dating issues. Not much a person can say in response. You're right, I need time to date. It's funny, dating as a single woman was so easy. I feel so clueless how to date being a single Mom. There are so many "can't do's". I guess I don't blame men for not wanting to get involved. Oh well...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2011): Alright, I suggest focus on you and the baby right now. You don’t need a man at the moment, you need to get yourself together. Love will find you when you aren’t looking. And definitely don’t act desperate. You don't need a man and I know you want your son to have a father figure, but right now he’s really too little to even notice a father is more about teaching them man stuff and how to be tough, but you are a tough independent woman.. Just wait for mister right he could come knocking at any moment
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (19 February 2011):
Well, you will have to go on dates, and eventually you will find a man who'll be just right. "Decent men" do exist but I'm afraid they don't congregate in a single place where women can find them and date them easily.
I understand you're feeling upset because people think you're easy. The underlying assumption is that because you have, erm, "become acquainted with the married life" you have a "increased need for physical bonding", like that guy told you (at least he was clear and didn't use euphemisms).
Give yourself some time. I can tell you that if you make it very clear that you're not looking for a player, or an adventure, the bad guys will not chase you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2011): I seem to have a very similar problem to yours, except for the fact I have no children. What I have come to find is that most men you will meet on nights out are looking for one thing and one thing only. I think that some of the taboo might come from the assumption that divorcees, due to having just come out of a long-term relationship, aren't looking for anything serious. Maybe a change of scenery is all you need i.e. get into the more serious and perhaps more sophisticated scene, either that or make your position clear. If you make it obvious to men from the start that a one-night-stand or a chase is not on the agenda, then the truth will out. If they are still genuinely interested in you then they will pursue you; if not, they will look for someone else who will take less effort. Also, maybe it isn't the best idea for your son to come into contact regularly with men who he doesn't know. If the faces are constantly changing, he might get confused.
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