A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey guys, so I just wanted to kind of share my problem here and see what opinions I get. I'm a young female and have been in about 5 relationships in my life. Weird thing is is that every guy I have ever been involved with seem to still have ex girlfriend's or past flings in their life. One of the guys was really close to their ex, they were always chatting online and stuff and texting/calling with each other late at night, he told me he considered her his best friend. They had a very close friendship and honestly it was a little too much for me to handle I guess. He spent a lot more time with her then he did with me. My other relationships were kind of similar. Another guy I was with was friends with a lot of his ex's and with past fwb relationships as well. They were always flirting with him and asking him to hang out and stuff. After a while I just decided that the situation was too much and our relationship ended.I try to make my relationships work as best as I can. I have cared a lot about the guys I have been with. Is it normal to be upset about the guy's being friends with their ex's and past flings? I feel like it gets in the way of my relationships and it really does upset me when they have such a close friendship. What really is the reason a guy stays good friends with their ex's? Thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2013): "Is it normal to be upset about the guy's being friends with their ex's and past flings?"
Because they like to have their cake and eat it too, or they're weak, the ego boost, lots of reasons, just like women who do that.
I have a good few exs but I always go no contact after breaking up and don't ever feel the need to reconnect unless I hear they've had a death in their family or something gravely serious.
OP it's all down to you though. I don't date women who are still really close to their ex, I dump women the first time I get a sign they have a "friend" who is too flirty with them and they feed that.
It's not that I'm insecure, it's like any trait in dating you want a person with similar views on things.
My best female friend is still constantly texting and messaging her last two exs. Neither of them are assholes but she's still in contact because she doesn't like the idea of not having a guy who likes her in her life. She wants to be able to date other guys but always have these guys in the background too and frankly it sucks for her because she's still too attached to guys she fell in love with but wouldn't commit and frankly while she feeds off the jealousy these guys have for any guy that comes on the scene she doesn't get how negatively it's impacted her dating.
Imagine for one moment she meets a nice guy, I set her up with one of my friends. She tells her exs and immediately they start putting doubts into her head, start bad mouthing a guy they don't even know and making her far too unforgiving and picky, so she decides it's best not to, they've made her paranoid about dating people and frankly for guys who won't commit they really are doing a dog in the manger on her.
OP stay away from guys who still have close bonds with their exs, stay away from guys who feel they need to have more than woman who gives them romantic attention. Plenty of us around that are able to let go.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 April 2013):
 Do like me, date men with no previous relationship experience... Hah, or maybe not. They might not have exes lingering around, but they need patience and some "breaking in" to the routine. So having previous relationships might not be a bad thing at all. And remaining friends with them, or at least staying civil, could be a good thing too. Shows you don't hold grudges.
However I don't understand why anyone would be friends with an ex. Did you stay friends with these exes who stayed friends with their other exes? I'm guessing no, since you don't mention it. So my idea is that it's not so much a choice to stay friends with any and all exes, but more dependent on how interested the particular person is in staying friends. Some girls, once they've been with a guy, consider him their territory. They'll stick around, and hang out, and spend time with him, as a means to make sure he doesn't get involved with other girls. It's power play to me, and I wouldn't be interested in a man who lets a past girlfriend manipulate him like that.
There's no good reason for why you should be friends with an ex. If there's going to be a friendship it would have to develop years and years after the relationship. That's the only way I'd see it as a genuine friendship and be okay with it.
And, there also needs to be a balance. A relationship needs to be something you prioritize. If he prioritizes something else, such as friends, sports, videogames etc, you need to evaluate if he's putting in enough effort for you to be happy in such a relationship. No matter what it is, if something or someone gets in the way of your relationship it is time to reconsider...
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (6 April 2013):
Hi there. Most people would be fairly concerned about a current boyfriend remaining friends with an ex, once that romantic relationship has ended.
So you are definitely not alone there, by any means.
And I have to tell you, that you have definitely done the RIGHT thing in breaking if off with those guys, for that reason.
It does get in the way, there is no doubt about that whatsoever.
And why it gets in the way of a current romantic relationship, is because the new girl, starts to have doubts about who his heart is really with.
That would have been your main question, for sure.
It seems that when a guy does that - still chats and keeps contact with the ex - it is probably that they may not be truly over that lady, when they begin a new relationship.
And many people once they have suddenly found themselves broken up with, and are upset about it - naturally - they believe that the only way to get over a breakup, is to straight away, get into another relationship.
This is a really bad move, as there is still so much emotional baggage, over from the previous relationship.
And any emotional baggage from a breakup, means that there is probably some unfinished business between the two, or else it is something that needs to be properly dealt with by each individual, which does take time.
It's a case after the breakup, of learning more about yourself, and what you want in a relationship and what you definitely DON'T want in any future relationship.
And once you know this, well then you are ready to move on again.
It could take a few months to get to this place, and maybe up to 6 months, perhaps.
Keeping in touch with exes, could almost be like hedging their bets, a bit of insurance perhaps - in case the new relationship doesn't work out.
And so that means, they can always go back with the ex or the FWB's until they are again ready to start dating someone new.
Unfortunately, it is using those exes, and giving them false hope of having a chance with him in future, when in fact, that may not be the case at all, sadly.
And it's also possible, that guys who do this, may not be game enough to take the leap of faith, and just enjoy the new relationship and enjoy getting to know that new lady in their lives, and to stop blocking it by keeping in contact with their exes the minute they have any doubts.
No-one ever knows for certain, that a new relationship is going to be for keeps. It's just not possible to know that.
This is where we all need some faith.
It could work and end up in happily ever after, you just never know.
However, unless you take the leap of faith and give it a real chance, you are never going to know.
And often we go into new relationships, hoping this one is "The One" and when it doesn't happen that way, well then we feel very wary of taking another chance on it again in future, with someone else.
And I think this is the type of thinking that can lead to feeling the need to stay in contact with the exes.
It's like the old saying - "The devil we know, is better than the devil we don't."
So they keep reverting back to the ex again - texting, chatting, phone calls, whatever - if something goes wrong, or else that awful feeling we all experience sometimes, "the fear of failure."
We are all afraid of failing, especially when it comes to romantic relationships.
So if a guy feels it won't or might not work out, they get all these doubts, and have their exes as a backup support team for them.
Now to be fair, it is definitely NOT all men, who feel this way.
It's more likely men, who have had a few bad breakups, and are finding it hard to come to terms with this.
And this is where I really feel this type of behaviour, is coming from.
So please, don't think all men are the same, because they are NOT.
And you don't need to try too hard to please a man and to be the perfect girlfriend.
There is no such thing as perfect.
It is all in the eye of the beholder.
In fact, it is possible to do too much for a man, to the point where a guy can start to feel suffocated.
So it is also very important for a woman - once she is in a new romantic relationship - to still keep her old life that she lived, before she met her new man.
By this, I mean:-
(1) Keep your existing friends, and see them at least once a week. And call them as well.
(2) Keep doing all your hobbies and interests.
(3) Keep doing your sports (if you are a sports person, or a member of a sport team).
(4) Be your own person, with your own opinion, lifestyle.
Just so long as, you and your boyfriend still have enough time together, and your lifestyle doesn't make it difficult to be together.
But I'm sure you see what I mean when I say this.
It is so important to still be YOU, and keep who you are as an individual, alive and well.
And why I say this, is because very often, when girls meet a nice guy and start dating, they have this belief that he should be the centre of their universe.
Don't ever do that.
And why I say that, is because, to give up your life as you know it, just to be avilable for if he is going to ask you out next weekend, makes you entirely dependent upon him making you happy.
And that's a really bad move.
And this is because, if a girl was to do that - give up everything to be with this guy - makes it very difficult for the guy, because he feels the pressure placed upon him, to make you happy every hour of every day, and that's a LOT of pressure!
We are each responsible for our own happiness.
No-one else can make us happy, only we can.
We all know what makes us happy.
So it is vital to keep your individuality, at all times.
And a relationship, is not the only way to be happy in life.
And many girls often do this - cancel out social engagements with their friends - so they are available, in case he asks them out.
Believing, that if they say - "No, I can't I have something on then." - that they will never hear from him again.
This just isn't true.
If a guy really likes you, believe me he will keep on trying until you say yes.
Now, I am not saying, that you should say "no" just to play hard to get.
What I do mean, is if a guy asks you out for a second date, that if you already had something planned from a month ago or a couple of weeks, or even a couple of days, that you are then being honest with him in saying no at that time.
And if you have to say no occasionally, well then at the time, say what it is you are attending, so he knows then, that you are still interested in him, but that you genuinely cannot go, because you promised friends that you were going somewhere with them.
A guy will understand this.
He won't be turned off you for that.
And if he did, well then he wasn't as sincere as he tried to make out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2013): You need to be honest and tell him it concerns you. Would you still be upset if he made it clear that they were just good friends but you were his number one? They could have been good friends before they got together and stayed friends cause it just didnt work. Maybe if you voice it they will do more to let you know not to worru
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2013): Honestly, because they are so insecure. A guy will walk around acting like the coolest thing since icecream, but on the inside he is constantly scared about what his buddies and people around him think. He needs that extra attention from those other girls to keep him going. I don't get it.
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