A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My partners keeping secrets, I know that he doesn't have to tell me everything but I want him to be able to! he took out a loan but its got a huge repayment. I got angry because we are already swamped with bills he's just been on holiday and to make things worse he got paid only a week ago he's spent this plus the loan he took out! What should I do? I've already spoke to him but he just says he shouldn't have to tell me everything he's constantly lying and I don't know why.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2013): OP when to comes to shared finances he doesn't get to keep secrets.
If he says he has a right to spend money behind your back when you have duel responsibility on bills or are living together then I have two words for you: Fuck. Off.
Look, time to consolidate your own finances OP, if you have a duel account, stop paying into it. Keep all your money to yourself and do not pay any loans off that you didn't agree to.
Check all your bills, if they're in your name see what the options are for you to pay off the contract or to end it.
He's after steeping way over the line here OP, honestly when it comes to money and shared finances a guy who will so blatantly do shit like this is not a partner OP he's a liability that is going to tear down your life, ruin your credit rating put you in so much debt that you'll be ruined and he has the audacity to say he is allowed to keep them secret?
Fuck that and fuck him.
OP demand everything, every bill, all his bank statements, all information on his loans and finances, if he refuses then you need to gather all your shit together and separate your finances with a view of moving on.
You cannot keep money a secret in a partnership where you live together or have duel financial responsibility.
OP I hate to break it to you but your boyfriend is an irresponsible lying dickhead, he's not relationship material. Start getting your shit together and be prepared to go.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2013): Original poster here.Thanks for the fantastic advice. He's my fiancé.We sat down and had a talk he over spent on his holiday, like his whole wage. On alcohol as they were in Germany and it was expensive he didn't have enough to pay our bills. So he took out the loan hoping I wouldn't find out because he's upset he did something so stupid.Our mutual best friend confirms it they go on a break every year. I've always known he was horrible with finances I just didn't know how to approach it.I've asked him to repay it as quickly as possible as there's a new baby on the way. He's agreed. I've told him myself if he puts himself in this situation again I would rather take it out of savings than do that.He didn't use my information I've seen the documents. Thanks everyone
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (6 April 2013):
Hi there. First of all, was the loan he took out, especially for the holiday he has just taken?
Or was it for somethng else entirely?
And when he took out the loan in the first place, was it a much greater amount than what he actually needed?
Or, don't you know this?
And, was this a holiday only he went on?
Or did you both go together?
As you don't know some of the things he is doing in his life, is it possible that he is gambling his money away?
Like, gambling at the races (horses or greyhounds), or gambling on poker machines, or at a gambling casino?
This could certainly account for a huge amount of spending in a very short time.
And it is certainly something that a problem gambler would keep from those closest to him, for sure.
So if he has a gambling problem, well then that is something that would make him very secretive about.
And as he is keeping information from you, it is possible that that is where his money is going.
Because if gambling is it, well then for him to tell you, it could end the relationship, and he knows this.
And if he won't tell you, well then the only way for you to find out, would be to follow him, when he goes out without you.
And then you would see where it is that he goes.
Or else, you could speak to some of his close friends, as they might know something.
And by the fact that the loan he took out, has huge repayments, this tells me that he must have gone to a non-banking finance company, because they can charge extremely high interest rates - because of high risk - which leaves that person in a lot of debt, if they don't pay it back.
And it is very often, that the people who take out these types of loans, are the people who can LEAST afford it.
And also, they tend to be very quick approval loans, where no or very little collateral is required.
What did he tell you that the loan was for?
Because, you do know that he got the loan, so he must have told you, at the time.
And so with that being the case, he must have also told you what that loan was for, surely.
And as he has already spent the entire loan amount, PLUS his last pay, he is now living from pay to pay.
And so I am hoping, that he isn't now putting things he buys on credit.
Because that is another debt that needs to be repaid.
And if it is another fortnight before he gets paid again, he probably feels he has to get another loan to pay for that loan.
Was he always this careless with his money?
Or is it a new relationship for you - less than 6 months - and you have only found this out?
What you really need to make sure of now, is that he doesn't start asking you for money.
Don't let his problem, become YOUR problem.
That is a BIG mistake.
If the money he spent (the loan), is for gambling debts, which means he made a bet on credit - meaning he has to pay someone back - well then he may start to get people coming around, to get what is owed to them.
It is a possibility, for sure.
And believe me, you DO NOT want that.
If you are the one who empties the letter box (assuming that you live together), well then perhaps you could see who some of those letters are from.
Finance companies, for instance.
He is certainly in a very uncomfortable situation of debt, isn't he?
And he may be finding it difficult to sleep at night, being in that situation.
And this will affect his health in the long run, if it isn't sorted out soon.
If I were you, I would definitely be asking him how he intends paying back the loan, when he has already spent the entire amount.
If a loan is for a few different things, well then bits and pieces of it are spent over a few weeks.
And if there is more than what was actually needed, well then the excess can simply be directly paid off the loan, so as to not be charged more interest, as it then lowers the amount outstanding, instantly.
It is a major concern, as it will undoubtedly affect his relationship with you over time, as things get even tougher with this increasing debt.
And this is all the more reason, for you to sit down with him and talk about it.
He at the very least, needs to know how this affects you and your relationship with him.
And as we all are aware, in relationships, fighting over money is a BIG deal, and can lead to many arguments and very often with unresolved financial issues, it can lead to a breakup.
And he needs to know that you are thinking along these lines, so don't pretend that it's okay with you, when in fact it isn't.
He needs to know exactly how you feel - if you and him are to continue being a couple - and more importantly, if you see any kind of future for him and you.
So for this reason, there needs to be total honesty when it comes to finances.
Because, it is ultimately, something that will affect you also.
And in a very negative way.
So please, keep that in mind, especially if you really love this guy.
Without honesty, there can be no trust.
And no relationship can survive without trust, believe me.
And as you are already aware of how things have panned out so far - that he has spent the entire loan, PLUS spent his whole pay - well then that's all the reason you need to discuss the situation with him.
And to place all his cards out on the table, once and for all.
And get everything out in the open.
And don't get angry or upset when you have this chat with him, just stay calm and be respectful and considerate of his feelings.
Because, you don't want to put him on the defensive about his spending, as it will almost certainly lead to a HUGE argument, and a possible breakup.
So this is why you need to stay calm and controlled with your emotions, so he doesn't feel as if he is being physically attacked by you.
The best possible outcome here, is that he understands the predicament he is in, and how serious it could become for him, as time goes by and it isn't resolved.
There could even be legal implications, if he doesn't sort it out soon.
And so you definitely want to avoid that at all costs, as it will be yet another expense to add to the existing list of debt that he has.
So you don't want to make it any worse than it already is.
And if after you talk with him about his increasing debt, and it comes to a point where he won't tell you, or doesn't want to acknowledge that it is a real problem, well then you might have to make an executive decision as to whether this relationship is worth saving.
I hope for your sake, that it doesn't come to that, however, you may have to reach a decision about it, if he doesn't want to talk about it, or if he gets angry about it and refuses to discuss it with you.
A relationship means you share problems - whatever they are - and as we all know, a problem shared is a problem halved.
And very often, two heads are better than one, when it comes to finding a solution to a challenging problem.
It's also possible, that the reason he doesn't want to burden you with it, is that he feels foolish about the financial crisis he is in, and is ashamed of himself, or else he feels that being the man in this relationship, means he ought to be sorting out his problems on his own.
Clearly though, this isn't happening, is it?
Remember, it's not what you say that counts, but how you say it.
It is all in the delivery.
If you use calm, kindness, sincerity, love and respect and consideration for how he might be feeling, well then you really can't go wrong.
When you stay calm, he will also.
And you will have a much greater chance of working things out, in a very reasonable way.
Please don't delay in talking with him, for one more day.
The sooner, the better.
Another option for sorting out-of-control debt, is to seek out a debt managing company, who can consolidate all debt, and make it a "can do" solution.
Just a thought.
Best wishes to you, and I hope it goes well.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (6 April 2013):
 You call him your partner. Are you married? Is this a legal civil union? Or are you living together but not married?
If he is your husband, you need to financially protect yourself, because if he's using your info to get money on the sly, it's not a good idea. His recklessness will have severe and far-reaching consequences to your credit and future job prospects if you need them.
If you're not married, then DON'T get married! If he's using your info to get loans you didn't approve of, that's fraud. If he's doing it on his own with his own info, then it's his responsibility and you're under no obligation to do anything. Separate your money now.
Either way, you are screwed here. What is he spending the money on?? If you're married, you have a right to know and need to run a credit report on both of you immediately, which will reveal hidden credit cards or other financial things such as secret bank accounts or other really bad things. Ever hear of "financial infidelity"? That can break up and destroy marriages just as bad as sexual infidelity. If you are married, you're in Household Financial Corporation, and you're as criminally and civilly liable for the debts he's ringing up, and in a divorce, half will be put on your shoulders.
If you're not married, drop him. Lying and wrecking his own money can affect you too. Someone I know saw the exact same warning signs in their fiance, and every time she would confront him, he got really mean and cruel, so much that she was cowed from further confrontation. So she dropped it. Next thing you know, he stole her information in secret, took out a credit card, and maxed it up to $10,000. He was a constant liar too, and worse of all, he would berate her and take turns coldly shutting her out and being horrible to her, and she just let him walk all over her.
Can you believe it, they actually married! She stayed in this marriage and had 2 kids with him. He was fired from his job, got 3 cars repossessed, started stealing from his parents, his brother, his friends, got a kid to steal $5,000 from a safe and trash the office at his father's business and break in to make it look like a burglary.
He was using the money to fund trips to Chicago to cheat on her as well as using drugs. (Started with prescription opiates, progressed to heroin). He pretty much abandoned her to run away from his messes, moved in with some other girl, and those 2 kids are now without a dad.
Now you know your future. If you're married, you need to protect yourself now. If you're not married, you need to separate everything and leave him. You need to know your own finances. Either way, you need to confront him very very strongly, and if you're afraid of his reaction, you need to take someone with you to do it. If you're married, it's time to know the full scope of your finances and any damage he's done.
Do not wait.
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