A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Maybe, I am too young to say this, but I am just not interested in getting married or having kids.Now, don't get me wrong. While I do not want to get married, it doesn't mean I don't want to find and live my life with that one special partner. I just find marriage a messy process, more so, when things might not work out. Without marriage, if things go bad, we can just break it off and avoid a messy process which we call divorce. People get so offended by this. They act as if I believe the potential relationship is going to fail, so I don't see a point in getting married. I don't believe it will fail. I'm just being realistic. Stuff happens, things fall apart. That's why people divorce. I'm just making the break less damaging than it really needs to be. As for children...I've always felt like a burden to my parents even though they would say otherwise. All the medical, college, raising bills they had to pay. All the time they could have probably had. I don't want to have a kid to feel like this. Unfortunately, I don't want to sacrifice the same luxuries my parents gave up for me for a kid(s) either. I know this greatly limits my search for a potential partner, but I just hate how people view me when I tell them this. I just want to live a life of my own, find that special person to live the rest of my life with, and just enjoy the time I have left. Marriage and kids don't need to play a role, so why is it so bad?
View related questions:
divorce Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 May 2012):
 My son is 25 he says he does not want kids because he does not think he would be a good parent... I see him waffling on this decision now and again so I don't discount that he might change his mind.... I have many friends who do not ever want kids and never had them... My fiance is 38 and does not want kids which is good since I'm long done with them.
Interestingly enough he never believed in marriage either... when I met him he said marriage was stupid and he was NEVER getting married. And I was fine with it.
The wedding is October 6th (in VEGAS baby!)
My point is that you MAY change your mind later on... so NEVER say NEVER...
A
male
reader, MikeEa1  +, writes (13 May 2012):
 I have raised two families one after the other and look like I might be in for a third round. My attitude is a bit like yours but you have to go with the flow if you want all the big things. If you want a woman to love and need you then you have to give them a little bit of what they want. And anyway the family thing isn't so bad.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2012): Hahaha you are sounding like you had already a big trauma from marriage and children.. Well partly i think its because of your age and the background you had thats why you can say this without any doubt. But yes, some people find it not so great if you say like that, some people have different way of thinking, but we must accept that we can not put our own brain and thoughts to others people head. If they think negative about your way of thinking then let them be. This is you and this is them although personally i find it also another different. Because personally i prepare married and having childrens, i mean lots of children. And if the relationship didnt work, i dont mind the man go, ill keep my children... Well you are still in your 20s maybe in another 10 years we find you inside of marriage with childrens... Just kidding... Have fun.. And enjoy the life...
...............................
A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (13 May 2012):
 A lot of times, people get offended not because of your choices, but because of the words and tone you use to convey them. Politely saying that you can't ever see yourself getting married is one thing, however, a lot of people who don't believe in marriage also convey this belief in either extremely rude or extremely condescending ways. Are you sure they're taking offense to your choices, or is there a chance you're expressing those choices by negging theirs? I.E. "OMG I HATE the idea of marriage, it's so stupid! Why would anyone want to get married?! I'm NEVER getting married!" Maybe be one way a person could say they don't like marriage, but it's also telling the folks you're talking to that you think they're stupid for getting married.People need to learn how to word their beliefs in non-offensive ways. Often we don't really see how the words we say can be extremely abrasive, or even condescending, to other people. Take care in how you word your beliefs when you say them, and perhaps people won't be so quick to get upset.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (13 May 2012):
 There is nothing wrong with making a conscious choice not to marry or have children. There are plenty of other ways you can make a valuable contribution to society.
However if you think not getting married will protect you from a messy break up if the relationship ends, you've been woefully misinformed. When you live with someone as husband and wife you still have to divide whatever assets you accumulate and investments you make as if you were married. Simply shacking up is no protection from a long drawn out court proceeding.
Many women prefer to remain single to pursue their own ambitions. Many share your view that it's better to have an informal arrangement. Others prefer marriage, not because it's their life's goal but because they don't want to spend years providing all the perks and making all the big life sacrifices of a legal wife only to be left high and dry if her partner decides he's ready to move on. Those women might view your reluctance to marry with suspicion.
Otherwise there is nothing wrong with choosing not to marry and have children.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2012): Yeah I too never understood why people get so offended by YOUR life choices that impact YOUR life and not them! I happen to be married but I chose not to have kids, and as a woman people get way more offended at my decision to remain childless than if I were a man. I think it's because they feel that your decision not to follow the path THEY took, is a criticism on them and their life choices. They don't want to face or admit that maybe their life choices were not so great. Or that they could potentially be better off or happier if they had not gone down the path (marriage, kids) that they did or when. Maybe they secretly regret getting married, or having kids, or whatnot. I think a lot of people get married and/or have kids mainly out of pressure in order to fit in with everyone else, or to stop their partner leaving them and ending up alone, and not because they actually want marriage/kids that much. Then once they have that, the rest is just 'making the best of it.' Well, they do want to live free of the pressure, so that's why they do it. So if they see that you have the guts to follow your own path, they are reminded of their own spinelessness and they get offended at you to protect their egos.Mainly, I think, people get offended at your life choices because they don't want to entertain the idea that maybe their life choices were not a "given" that everyone has to do, and seeing someone exercise independent thought, scares them.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 May 2012):
 I think it's partly because of your age and partly because some people can't imagine doing anything BUT get married and have kids.
Think about how people must have felt back in the day when everyone though the Earth was flat.
I think the best thing you can do is agree to disagree. There is not "right or wrong" here. What is RIGHT for you might not be right for the next person and vice versa.
Live your life as YOU see fit.
I didn't want either when I was your age and I wasn't really too keen on the whole marriage idea, when my husband and I got married. I would have been JUST fine with living together, however the US Army don't see it that way :) And well, 14 years later we are still going strong. So as it turned out it wasn't a bad thing, neither was having kids. I have no regrets. However that doesn't mean that EVERY ONE would do the same and get the same results or feel the same way.
Stick to your guns and be upfront when you start dating someone, make sure she isn't a "fixer upper" kinda girl who thinks you WILL eventually change your mind.
And have a great life whatever you chose. It's your life to live.
...............................
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (13 May 2012):
Well in your opinion Marriage and kids may not play a role but the special person you find, it might matter to him. I'm not trying to make you understand why Marriage is or isn't important but you have to understand why it is important to other people. Depending on where you live, it can be frowned on so it can be expected. Using the negative statements you gave for not having kids, people will surely look down on you. I don't hold it against you but perhaps those people base their reasons for having kids on higher reasons. Perhaps parents do not look at giving up luxury as a sacrifice and for them, having kids is the ultimate gift of life. It's a difference of opinions yes, so it would suck that they use it against you...but if its what you believe then it shouldn't bother you that people may look down on you.
...............................
|
