A
male
age
41-50,
*eartbroken in love
writes:Ok so this is really a question for men who have been through the same thing and women who have told a guy this and what it really meant for them. I'm in love with this girl for quite some time now. She is my best friend. So much so that I dont see myself wanting to find someone else. To make a long story short I fear I am in stuck in that dreadful friend zone and though she insists that I am not I still feel that I am. She says she can see her with me but not right now. She also says that when she meets someone she just knows if she can be with that person or not. My real question why do people (men or women) always make these prequalifiers of things for a potential mate to live upto? And also these things end up being things that the person has no control over changing. Why do this? I find when people do this very rarely does the relationship work out. Why not go based on things that a person has complete contol over? Any suggestions?
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male
reader, Heartbroken in love +, writes (13 September 2009):
Heartbroken in love is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk first important fact. She lives half way accross the country from me. I met her online and we have met in person once. We talk, txt everyday all day. We can talk to each other about anything and everything. Since I can't see her all the time there really is no chance for me to sweep her off her feet unless I move out there to be with her. She does not give me any romantic reason to move out there but says she would like it. As for me I don't want to move out there unless she thinks she wants to be with me. Second more important point. For the people talking about people having checklists and all. I think it is important to say that I do not hold a girl to a checklist that I have in my head for what I want a girl to be in a potential mate. And actually with this particular person if I had done that (held her to a checklist or a list of prequalifiers) I have to be honest and say that she would have failed miserably. Now this doesn't mean that I am going to field people who read this and say "well you should look at as a hint that she isn't the girl for you" I have always believed in real honest love to be without condition. In other words just literally loving a person because and no matter what. I don't go after a girl just because I think she is pretty. I went for this girl for who she was and for me that provided a much deeper connection. One that thus far has not been able to equal romance and intimacy for her.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2009): You can also end a relationship if someone violates a non negotiable for you. For instance my uncle became an alchoholic and his wife left him. Obviously, this was something that was non negotiable to her, and I can't find fault for her not "accepting" this in her mate.....there are things that are non negotiable for most humans if they are being honest with themselves they have a certain responsibility to themselves and others not to get involved with someone who violates a non negotiable up front in the beginning....if you are stuck with it later one, then you are faced with a choice of changing that non negotiable, doesn't mean it wasn't there for you in the first place. Such as affairs and cheating....most women have that as a non negtiable, but when it is violated they have to make a choice if they can forgive and forget and on what terms they are willing to do that....for example.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2009): We have been married for 23 years. We took 7 years to make sure that we both got it right the second time. My non-negotiable was definitely a deal killer at the start, but we have to weigh everything in a relationship and a person. That is why I think that almost nothing should be totally non-negotiable. People change, both ourselves and others and we must look at what is or can change in relationships. We can meet the perfect person and they can change for the worse in a year or 2 or 10. They can also change for the better in those time periods.I once worked with a guy who was in his early 20s and he refused to even date anyone who wasn't a brunette. That was his main criteria. That sure puts the really important attribute at the top of the list.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2009): I don't want to be rude, but I have to be blunt here.There are things that this girl wants in a boyfriend, and I'm sure there are things that you want in a girlfriend, or else why would you be in love with her? You just know that she has what you want in a partner.If she thinks you don't have what she wants, you can either show her that she's wrong or accept it and move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2009): When you make a list of desirables in a mate, you are defining the characteristics of that ideal person, the non negotiables are usually finite things that don't change about a person.
It could be their faith for instance, or even hair and eye color. The point is to be real with yourself about what you want and need to be satisfied and happy and not have to settle. Of course you cannot expect to find someone that meets 100% of your list or you would be searching forever, if you find 80% that is ideal.
After failing at relationships, you learn what is important to you and what works for you.
My non negotiables are he cannot be an alchoholic, smoke or have a bad temper of any kind. Some women wouldn't care about any of that, but for me I know that those things I have to have or I will walk out of the relationship....I do have actually more than three, but I won't go into it here.
Desirables are kindness, a good sense of humor, maturity, a willingness to spend time with me and enjoy some of the same things I like to do for activities. Financial stability and responsibility.....and so forth.
I think around this subject you don't realize that your non negotiable actually was negotiable if the other things out weighed it. And so you have been married for 30 years.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2009): If I had made up a list (serious list) then I would have dumped her early in the relationship because she definitely didn't meet one of the 3 non-negotiables that would have been on my list. Would I have found someone that met all of them and would have been as good as she has been. Perhaps I would have found someone better than her. I dated a few very nice women after my first wife and I split, but none were really as good in my mind as my wife has been for most of our 30 years and one of those was pretty good to me and was looking at me for a husband. However, she would not have met the 3 requirements either.
That is why I think that lists with non-negotiables are not a productive way to look for a partner. People are not like autos or houses. They do not have set and easily definable attributes and features. The features in a car stay the same, but they change in people. Would I change things about my wife? Sure. Would she change things about me? Sure. Do we wish that we had spent more time looking for someone and wish that we had done better. No.
If you are dumping someone because he cheated on a previous partner then perhaps that is not a bad idea, except that people do change. I made changes in the mistakes that I made in my first marriage and have not repeated them and my wife has made changes in the things that she has done wrong and has not repeated them either. For these reasons, I don't believe in a list of what you want in a partner. You have to look at the entire person and weigh the things that you don't like against the things that you do like. I think that having lists will just result in failure in many relationships that might turn out to be great. I once knew a guy who made a non-negotiable list of things that he wanted in a car and kept looking and never found exactly what he wanted. Then his old one died and he had to settle for what was on the lot at the time. Relationships can happen the same way if we are too choosy.
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A
male
reader, ArmyMedic  +, writes (12 September 2009):
 I had and many of my friends have check lists of sorts.
After a long series of bad relationships you start to realise there are certain things you want from a relationship, and you need to find a partner that meets these requirements.
I understand it's frustrating to be stuck in the "friends zone" but is that because this girl is perfect for you... Because she ticks all the boxes.
You need to tell her how you feel, it's not fair to be mates with a girl if she doesn't know how you feel about her. One day she will find out and feel massively betrayed as she will feel you were only her friend to try and get in her pants!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2009): To TTM, feeling rather snappish today? I bet if you really sat and thought about it, you have some things you really want and need in a mate and your wife has it, don't make fun of those who are honest and acknowledge that they know what they need and want in a partner.
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A
female
reader, EbonyBlossom +, writes (12 September 2009):
 Well of course there are certain boxes that all women want their men to tick. And most women have specific needs so that's kinda about box-ticking. But ticking all the boxes is worth nothing without having that special something it takes for a certain person to love you.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (12 September 2009):
Well it is just the way we are.
You can't blame us in wanting to be a bit picky when it comes to choosing a man to mate with!
You wouldn't buy a car or a house just because it's perfect for later life, when it's completely unsuitable for your current lifestyle.
It's no good finding a guy you want to marry when all you are currently in the market for is casual dating.
If you are in the friend zone then don't sit and moan about all women anywhere. Do something about it!!!
Tell her you want to be with her, tell her everything you love about her, go all out.
If she is willing to take a chance on you then great, but take it slowly and don't suffocate her with your happiness at being with her.
If she still says thanks but no, then don't be her friend any more. Tell her that when she is ready to be with you she should call you, and if you have moved on by then... well it's her loss.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2009): Fortunately, I have never dated anyone who came prepared with a checklist and I would never even think of having a checklist for any woman who I dated. Or aren't men allowed to have checklists for the characteristics they want in a woman?
Let's see, the 3 non-negotiables. Hmmm, what would they be? This might take a while, as I have never thought of dating and finding a partner in that way. ........................
OK, I think I might have it. At least a 34D, makes more money than I do and wants to have sex at least twice a day. Then there is the list of the nice to haves. Oh, forget it. That would take too long to make up and I already have a great wife and we even found each other without checklists. Damn, and she doesn't even meet any of my non-negotiables. That sucks. I guess I had better start over.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2009): I do thik it is actually a good idea for women to have a list of the characteristics of the mate they would be happy with, and that there are at least three nonnegotiables on her list, meaning he must have those three things. If you can find a person who has 80% of those things, then there is no reason a relationship with a guy like that should not work.....it isn't about controlling things, it is about knowing yourself and who you would be happy with....that is mature, that is being your authentic self.
I agree with the other aunt, if you are stuck in the friend zone, you have to get yourself out of it by taking charge and sweeping her off her feet. That is what she is talking about that she will know....but that is a temporary feeling....the fact that you are best friends is a great foundation for a romantic relationship, so you actually have a potential here. You just need to step up and be romantic and passionate with her, go for it. If you think you love her, is that worth risking losing the friendship? Only you can decide because if it doesn't take off, you could lose her as a friend...it is tough to go back once deeper feelings are revealed.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, taina1980 +, writes (12 September 2009):
We women tend to be over analytical about everything. We wait a lifetime for the guy on the white horse to sweep us off our feet.
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A
female
reader, 48years  +, writes (12 September 2009):
 Sometimes, when you get stuck in the "friend" zone, it's up to you to get out. I would try one huge last ditch effort: dinner with roses, candles and romance, a verbal proposal. You owe it to yourself to see if she responds to your declarations of love.
I would also be prepared to exit the friendship if her response is lukewarm or less. Do not threaten her with an exit, because love extracted in that way is meaningless.
You deserve someone who loves you just the way you are without any checklist. And you will never find that person until you're truly free - because a woman of that caliber would NEVER be interested in a man who is already taken.
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