A
female
age
41-50,
*eah123
writes:Hi there, I was hoping I could get other people's opinion on a tricky situation (sorry it's a long one)... I guess there is nothing I can do and I should mind my own business but I'm just curious to hear your opinions...I am good friends with my neighbour *Jenny* and her roommate *Sarah*... Jenny has had a stormy relationship with her boyfriend for about 4 years now. *Jason*, although always friendly to me (this is important, I have nothing personal against the guy), is far from being the perfect boyfriend. He expects her to do as he pleases, goes out all night and comes back to her house at 8 in the morning and yells at her if she asks where he's been. She can barely go out with us girls (or has to put up a fight for it). She believes he stays at his mates' house when he stays out. I always wondered if he was up to no good but she swears he'd never cheat on her so I never said anything. One evening, Jenny was out working and her roommate Sarah offered me to stay for dinner. She openly hates Jason and that night she ended up telling me why: he came onto her twice in a very explicit way, and when she angrily turned him down he threatened to kill her if she said anything to Jenny. She is now too scared to tell her. Obviously it is not my duty to tell her either.Long story short, Jason is now in jail for 12 months for ABH. As Jenny is starting to realize how controlling he's been she's thinking about dumping him, but she feels sorry for him and continues visiting him in jail. She says they will try to sort things when he's out as he keeps on promising he will change, and she can't just 'throw away' 4 years of being together.Now, she reported this very weird incident to me as well: Jason told Jenny that some woman came to visit him in jail a few weeks ago and begged him to take her as his girlfriend, she said she'd find Jenny and beat her up, then spread nasty rumours about him to his parents if he didn't, then tried to visit in jail for his birthday. The woman seems to be ready to try anything to be with him, but Jason told Jenny there was never anything between them... and I'm thinking, why would she act like a psycho if they were never together in the first place?? is it me or is there something fishy in here? Jason told Jenny the woman is just mad and she believes him. He writes letters to her that often mention, 'don't believe what people say about me'.I might be over-worriyng for my friend, but I know she'd be devastated if he cheated on her. To me there are plenty of obvious signs that show he's not the good guy he pretends to be, but she is blind to them...My question is: how would you handle this? I don't want to sound like a bad friend, but I wish she opened her eyes... As you can see I have depicted a not so good guy and she keeps on thinking he is a 'poor baby' who would never hurt a fly...How do I get my friend to see more clearly? How would you handle the situation? (most frustrating bit is, apart from Sarah's secret I have no proof, just suspicions)Thank you for reading... all your comments will be much apreciated...
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female
reader, Leah123 +, writes (12 September 2009):
Leah123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks a lot to you all for your replies, I really needed to get this off my chest and I appreciate your opinions lot. I guess you'd expect your friends to tell you when they have supicions about your loved one, but I dread this might backfire on me so that's why I feel unsure about opening up to her. If I ever catch him red-handed (which I haven't, and whatever happened to *Sarah* it's down to her to speak), I'll confront my friend. I'm not scared of the guy anyway. In the meantime I guess I will carry on supporting her and being there for her whatever she decides to do.This was my first question on Cupid and all of you have really helped. I hope I can help you back someday :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2009): Ok, I did a quick search for ABH, that is an offense in the UK that means he assaulted someone and it resulted in bodily harm, that required medical treatment to the victim. Wow, he sounds like a real winner. It isn't really your responsibility to wake Jenny up, but you certainly have a responsibility to tell her what you think of him and ask her some d pointed questions, that is if you care about her and I think you do and let her know that you have her best interests at heart by doing so.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2009): I think being her friend it is your business to give her your opinion on the guy and to ask her some pointed questions about your suspicions.
You can protect Sarah's identity by saying that this person was told by Jason to keep quiet to you or he would kill her.
That and he is in jail. Ask her what wouldn't it be worse than putting in 4 years with a cheater a liar and a thief than spending 4 more years and one more day wasting her very love life on him. Tell her that women always get the love life they deserve. (meaning it is her choices that will determine that, not Jason).
Good luck, and I have no idea what ABH stands for!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2009): You are a very caring and concerned friend- Jenny is lucky to have you in her life, but it is up to her as to whether or not she wants Jason in her life. He's abusive, controlling, and many other things, but Jenny needs to see this and realize that he is no good. Though you want to help, focus on yourself and don't get too caught up in this. Be there for jenny when she needs a laugh- go out to dinner, see a movie, go shopping, etc. anything to take her mind off of her worries. But as for anything else, as frustrating as it may be, it is up to her to figure things out.
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