A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear agony aunts/uncles.I'm having a problem with my "love life" at the moment. I've been single for the past few months and meeting people out, having one night stands and I've met a lot of creeps and weirdos online who ended up harassing me.Anyways, I was quite happy to live my single life and not remain attached to anybody and I was doing rather well with this considering I'd been in a long term relationship in which I felt very secure in. My relationship with my ex has remained relatively good despite both of us seeing other people and having casual flings with other people, it's been nasty at times, but we've come through it, in the hope that possibly in the future, we may get back together.Everything was going fine until I had a two night stand with an older guy I met in a pub. And now there's been a major spanner thrown in the works, I think I've actually fallen for this guy, my intentions were to remain single and not be in a relationship, but meeting this guy has me seriously questioning myself.The problem is, I'm sad, I hardley know him and we have said that we are meeting again, but I genuinely don't think he likes me as much as I like him. I feel stupid because my sense of strength and being able and willing to walk away from something that I know may cause major hurt to me, has been rocked.The reason I think I've fallen for him? Because he was incredibly sweet and cuddley and affectionate after sex. I'm guessing that perhaps this is just something he likes to do and he is older and handles himself much better than guys my own age. We spoke a bit about our pasts etc. Both of us said we weren't really looking for a relationship, and he also added that for him to want to be with someone, they'd have to blow him away, which I think is a bit unfair, it puts pressure on people to impress, my motto is, you either like someone or you don't!My point is, it's so hard to fight feelings, and when feelings are shown to you with an unclear motive, it's confusing and upsetting.Maybe I'm just blinded by lust and emotions, I don't know, but I can't shake the uneasy and sad feelings I have, because I just can't stop myself from having feelings for this guy.I think it's unfair to show huge affection for someone and have it reciprocated, with no intentions of seeing the person again, it gives a false motive. The next day after the two night stand, sex and affection, in fact the second night we were too tired for sex and just cuddled, but the next morning, I had to go and he didn't seem the slightest bit bothered, he didn't get up to see me off, he didn't text that day to see how I was, I text him after and he did reply.So I'm supposed to be meeting him again, and I can't wait, but at the same time I'm so scared, I've never considered myself to be like this, I've been through much worse and got through it, but I never felt so fearful and doubtful and I have less control over my feelings and it's really bothering me.Any thoughts as to why people behave in such a way, giving mixed signals? I personally think it's cruel, and I feel fragile and hurt already.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (12 August 2014):
 If you feel fragile and hurt already, and don't know how to read his (very obvious to us) conditions on the relationship, then for heaven's sake, don't go see him.
Being cuddly after sex means nothing in a FWB situation. It just means there is some extra skin contact. As CindyCares pointed out, just because he thinks it's causal no-strings sex doesn't mean he doesn't like a bit of extra body contact. That is meaningless, in the context you presented.
You aren't dating this guy, you are having some cuddly sex but you two are not in a relationship.
If you keep meeting creeps and getting harassed then you need to change up your venue for meeting quality dates.
He's not giving mixed signals, you want to see something that isn't there. Sorry!
A
female
reader, Staceily +, writes (12 August 2014):
 I agree that he is not giving mixed signals and this is his preferred way to have sex. He said he doesn't want a relationship, so he has actually been quite upfront and honest. I have to add though, I think it's a terrible idea to continue to meet up with him. You are falling for him, he does not feel the same way. You will continue to read into his actions and hope each time you meet up that he will feel something for you, that you will be the one to win him. And you will be let down every single time.
This is not going to go anywhere but a friends with benefits, casual sex relationship. The woman who will win him over will be someone he isn't having casual sex with. Sorry, but one night stands aren't relationship material. They are there for sexual release alone and some companionship until you meet someone who is worth committing to, then you drop your casual sex partners. This is a warning to you. You can certainly still meet up with him and think and hope you are going to be different and he will commit to you, but it won't end that way.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies, especially Janniepeg. Ye are right, it was just a weekend thing, that's all he wanted. And possibly casual sex when it suits him. It's probably best I remove myself from the situation, because I think it's just going to hurt me more in the long run.
I am sad because I do really like him, but he doesn't feel the same way, I wonder does he do this to other women he meets. He certainly didn't make me feel like a princess either. I don't think the feelings are going to be reciprocated. And you can't force someone to like you, they either do or they don't.
The single life is so cold and impersonal, I thought I could get on with it and handle it, but I can't.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 August 2014):
 Being cuddly and affectionate after sex is not a mixed signal, it's a normal thing that TONS of people do due to their own sexual style and preferences, and to the effects of the oxytocin released during intercourse. For some reason which I cannot fathom, many posters like you feel that if it is casual sex, then it also MUST be surgical, detached, devoid of any affection or intimacy.
It's not how it works, people make love the way they know and the way they like and that works for them in any siruaton. TONS of people want a sensual, not just genital ,experience and seek sexual partners precisely because , beyond immediate physical release, they offer the chance for a mellow, relaxing, comforting time, with cuddles, caresses, embraces and all this good stuff..
Otherwise, they 'd just stay home and masturbate, you get the same end result, and don't even have to dress , to spend any money or to take out your car.
You are skin- hungry and affection hungry , as it happens to everybody at some point in life, and that 's what makes you read as a special and meaningful signal, something that was never meant to be that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2014): I don't think he is giving you mixed signals. He told you what he wants: NO RELATIONSHIP. If you don't want that then get out of this now. It isn't likely that more will develop from this. But you are already attached to him, in part due to sex: this causes release of a hormone which will bond you to him- in this case the cuddling makes it more likely. Men are also affected but not so much as women.
I recommend masturbating, stop meeting weirdos online and having 1-2 night stands. Develop a relationship with someone before sex. Recover from your break up. Be alone for a while more.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (12 August 2014):
 The reason why your feelings are so intense is because this is unrequited love. Your whole being is so consumed with how to get his approval. You become addicted to the intimacy chemicals but you have nothing to sustain it because he does not contact you much. You may think you like him but it's more like you want him to like you, to feel you are lovable. Just think, you are love and already lovable. Then when you are ready you will attract the right guy for you. When people look for casual relationships they will get confused. They will feel some sort of love, but it's more like a cheap imitation that never satisfies. He does not expect a reciprocation. Instead of thinking he just takes and takes, think, he has no capacity to give right now. He has shut off. It is a sad thing when one can not love. Neither of you are ready for relationships. The difference between you and him is that he has shut off completely while you still believe in love and as a woman, bonding is first language to you.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (12 August 2014):
I don't think he's giving you mixed signals. To give you mixed signals would be saying he wants a relationship then he doesn't know what he wants later. Calling you and texting, then blowing cold few days later. It still feels good to kiss you and cuddle you, as it brings up warm fuzzy chemicals. Part of it is also because if it feels too much light a one night stand, then you don't feel the incentive to see him again.
He's saying a woman has to blow him away, making you feel like you have to win him. In fact it is not so difficult for a man to be attracted to you. I suspect that he's having issues being happy at the moment. Maybe he's still bitter with the last relationship, angry with women. Whenever a man is saying like a woman has to be this or that, he's just giving himself the upper hand, having a pseudo sense of control. A man who is ready for a relationship wants to win a woman's heart, not the other way round. He will want to make you feel special like a princess.
He doesn't think he's being cruel to you. When he says he's not ready for a relationship, believe him. His mind is not in the right place. His attitude is like women owe him reasons why they should be with him. Maybe his last girlfriend wronged him and now he thinks that he should be able to take what women are willing to give him. It's time for him to get something back from women. It has become a bargain. To participate in a casual relationship when your heart wants more is to perpetuate the idea that you are not worth more. It is really up to you to stop this arrangement, especially with men who don't inspire you. You may think that you are not ready for a relationship and therefore this is okay, but the kissing and cuddling reminded you how much you need love. The irony is that without the kissing and cuddling what you are left with are feelings of creepiness and being used by men who don't really care.
I am not sure if you are rebounding from the last relationship but if you are, then you can't expect much in the dating scene. People can say they are not ready for relationships all they want. But they need love and want love just like everyone else.
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