A
male
age
41-50,
*essedupbigtime40
writes:Really needing some advice. I went through a very horrible relationship many years ago. The girl cheated on me, was violent, really messed with my head. I now suffer from anxiety and had PTSD. I still have regular nightmares. I'm really a shadow of the guy I use to be. I have been single for 4 years and the beginning of this year I started to try to do things, be more positive, go to the gym, out with friends, join clubs/classes. Help the community. Be active. So there was this one group I joined. I became quite popular quite quickly. Really good for my confidence. There was this girl who I thought was attractive. But in no way was I going to do anything because of what I'd been through. The girl was also attracted to me. Anyway she started to pursue me and we got talking. I made it clear what had happened to me. She wasn't put off. We started to spend a little time with each other outside the group. She told me she wanted to take things further. I told her I wanted to take things very slowly. This went on for a couple of months. She had told me she was single and really wanted to form some sort of relationship with me. A few nights ago and the first time in over 4 years I slept with this girl. It was something I thought for a long time would never happen again because my confidence was shot to pieces. We talked about it. Taking things further. Starting a proper relationship. Then the day after we slept together I had an appointment in the city centre. I was passing a coffee shop and here was this girl. The first girl I'd let into my life in 4 years. With another guy. Kissing and cuddling. She never saw me. But I totally freaked out. I had the worst panic attack I've ever had in my life. I was shaking all over I actually had to sit down. I couldn't breathe. It was so, so horrible. It brought all the horrible memories back. I haven't spoken to her about it. She doesn't know I know. I now have the group on again on Friday and the leader is actually leaving. She approached me about taking over and a few thought it was a great idea. I was really touched by this. A few of us were meant to be going out to say our goodbyes and fond farewells. But I now feel it is impossible for me to continue in this group. I know this is all my fault. It's all down to me, but I just now want to bow out. Not cause a fuss or scene and leave quietly. I can't possibly continue. No way. I never want to see this girl again. I don't want to confront her. There is absolutely nothing to talk about. But I really want to wish the leader of the group all the best. He has been really good to me.What should I do?
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cheated on me, confidence, kissing, violent Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2014): 1) Are you sure it was her? I only ask because our minds have a way of playing tricks on us, esp. if it validates our belief. In your case, I am sure there is a normal fear that this may happen again.2) Did you have a commitment? This is important. If you did not have a commitment, then I would re-evaluate this situation.3) I am sorry this happened to you. I know how horrible it is to be cheated on (and other things), been there, it's just devastating. But you are missing out on life closing yourself off. I really don't mean to sound insensitive here, I am sure you have tried, but maybe it's time to do some more work. I personally know there are SO MANY GOOD WOMEN out there, so many great women. They are not liars, cheaters, they just want a good man to trust and love. I am one of those women. And it would be easy for me, esp. after being hurt and betrayed to say: "all men are dogs." It would be easy to close myself off, but I know that there are good men out there if I move past my hurt and fear. Men like you:) I also had to look at my part of it. Why did I keep choosing these types of men? I had to be honest, without blaming myself or taking on other peoples baggage. Anyway this is my two cents. Good luck:)
A
male
reader, devont +, writes (12 August 2014):
 I don't think you should go back to the group, even if she's not there it will only have bad memories. Say goodbye to the others through facebook or whatever, they deserve that. Find another group to socialise in, you've done amazingly well in this one, so you can do it again. If it was me, I would want to ask her about it for closure, just so in a few months when the pain is a little less raw, I wouldn't be wondering about it. If she lies to your face, so be it, you can decide for yourself whether or not to believe her. But that's up to you, if you don't think you can talk to her, leave it. She doesn't deserve any explanation or contact from you ever again. This isn't your fault. It wasn't all down to you. This girl sounds like a horrible attention seeker which you couldn't possibly have known, or avoided. You're better than her and a survivor. Keep going.
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A
female
reader, queenofspades71010  +, writes (12 August 2014):
 you are right, you have to self preserve and if you have such serious panic attacks then by all means avoid the situation, but you also need to learn to cope with these attacks, i wouldnt suggest doing it without some help though because it can be quite scary and if you dont have the proper tools to deal with it it will just get worse, but if you dont deal with it at all you will lose out on a lot of great opportunities for yourself :-/ i hope you find happiness sir, true happiness within yourself
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2014): I'm sorry this had happened to you. It sucks. The same thing happened to me a few years back.I don't blame you for wanting to bow out of the group. It's your perogative to do that. Lots of people will tell you to "not let it get to you" and just ignore her within the group but I know it's not that easy. It would be nice if you could continue but you know what's best for you.If you can, email the leader of the group saying something along the lines of "It's been suggested that I take over your role as group leader but unfortunately I will not be able to do that. I hope you will have luck finding somebody else. Due to personal reasons I'm also not able to come to your leaving do. I'm sorry to have to miss it. I hope you all have a great time. Good luck in blah-blah-blah and thanks for all the times you helped me with blah-blah-blah. All the best, blah-blah-blah"Then just drop out of the group and block this girl from email/phone/social media etc.But do consider the feelings of the other people in the group who you may have built up friendships with. Are you intending on cutting them out of your life as well? Some of them may feel hurt by this so it might be nice, if they do try and find out what's happened to you that you reassure them that you're not dead or something or that they haven't pissed you off. I just told people that I was having a really hard time in my personal life at the moment and that I needed space to sort things out when it happened to me. I was honest with the two people that I'd built up close friendships with though and told them the whole story. They understood and made an effort to see me out of the group.Good luck. Did you get any therapy for your PTSD before? If you did, try contacting your therapist/counsellor again to talk things through. If you didn't get this type of treatment, now might be a good time to start thinking about it again.
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A
male
reader, Messedupbigtime40 +, writes (12 August 2014):
Messedupbigtime40 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThere's no way I can see her. I have to think of myself. Self preservation. The thought of triggering another panic attack isn't an option for me. I simply can not put myself in that situation. How could she possibly think bad of me if she is sleeping with other men and I resign? That's just not fair.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (12 August 2014):
 You probably going to have to tell her you saw her with another guy to avoid a drama - as she will assume that since she has slept with you , you used her and dumped her.
I would suggest sending her a sms , to the point and tell her your'll can just be friends. Also tell her you wish her well with the new guy (even if its an old BF)
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A
female
reader, queenofspades71010 +, writes (12 August 2014):
unfortunately sir, girls can be cruel, im probably a great example of how cruel we can be as girls, but, by the same token, we can also be very loving and have our hearts in the right places, i think in her case, and i am not sure on the group you have joined whether its a help group or just something fun, either way she was obviously looking for attention from someone new, if the man you saw her with was also an unsuspecting victim of her choices then you are in the same position he is in except he doesnt know that she is messing with more than one man, if he however is her boyfriend, then she is just being cruel and looking for attention or looking for a challenge that her boyfriend is not giving her, i am so sorry you had to be a part of it in either end, but i do believe you should go through with the goodbyes, and by all means if you are good at this group and people are supporting you in taking over as the leader then do it! it will be hard to be around her but you can look at the situation one of two ways, one, you let another woman destroy something good for you and what makes you happy and yourself, or two, you use this situation as a challenge for yourself and learn to cope with the difficulty of facing this woman and overcoming the challenge and growing from it, whether you approach her on the subject or not, but if you dont approach her about it and are giving her the cold shoulder i wouldnt doubt she would approach you asking what is wrong, and at that point you then choose to either be the better man and not say anything other than noyhing im just not sure we can continue with this relationship or you it gives you the opportunity to confront her on what you saw. i hope this helps somewhat, and if it doesnt i am sorry for that, good luck friend.
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