A
female
age
30-35,
*eptember008
writes:I was with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. I got treated bad (I know,I know why didn't I leave). I always felt something wasn't right about him. I tried to make him happy, wore my heart on my sleeve and tried even harder even though I couldn't do anything right. I know I'm a good person, I would have never done anything to hurt him. One year in he cheated on me. I took him back. Long story short he put me through a lot of heartache and I took him back every time because I wanted to believe everything would turn out in the end. I took him back about 5 months ago..... having doubt but hoping maybe he realized that I truly cared about him and was good for him. I thought he changed. He didn't. I hurt myself bad a couple of weeks ago and he laughed and gave a high five to his friend didnt even check if I was okay. It hurt that he didn't check how I was. I was sick and tired of being talked down too and it all was built up inside me so after he laughed I punched him in the face. I got him from behind in his jaw. He dumped me for that. I don't know why I stayed with him as bad as I was treated and I was constantly belittled. My confidence level has dropped. I don't know how to feel good about myself again? I can't even look an attractive Guy in the eye because I feel like I'm not good enough and he would never go for me. Why did I get treated like I did? His ex gf both of them warned me. I don't know why I didn't listen. Why do men treat women like this? I just feel awful.
View related questions:
cheated on me, confidence, ex girlfriend, his ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, September008 +, writes (11 December 2010):
September008 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou guys have all been so helpful! I appreciate your opinions and support I really do. People say it get better......I hope so!
A
female
reader, TheHuggleBear  +, writes (11 December 2010):
 Ok, first, it is NOT your fault! I can't believe people have been saying this is your fault for staying! When this happens to you, they take away your confidence, everything you have and you feel like you cant survive without them -- you CAN'T leave them! This is HIS fault for treating you this way. He acted like a jerk because he's probably learnt it from his dad; or another male role model in his life. Not because of you.
However; not all men are like this, there are a select few that ruin the reputation of all the nice men out there. You have to see that he was one guy; not the male species. And in my opinion; he abused you, you have every right to punch him in the face -- it's called closure! I wish I'd done it to my ex.
But you do need to get yourself a good counsellor; I promise you they can help, and it makes your life so much easier.
Good luck with everything!!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2010): Cyclic dysfunctional co dependency stemming from role modeling can't be more exact. Relationships like this can be successful when both people commit themselves to learning its etiology and consciously reacting with objective behavior. Start with googling information on this topic and stress to your boyfriend that this requires a mutual effort in order for the relationship to advance appropriately.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2010): Because he is a boy and not a man....?
You can't tar all men with the same brush. Many of us would NEVER cheat on their partner and just want to make them happy and love them and all that stuff than women say they want.
The only way to deal with this sort of asshole is to not accept this behaviour. It happens once, then just MAYBE he gets a second chance. It happens twice, then goodbye. I'm afraid while women let guys treat them this way, they see no reason to stop.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2010): ~This will be one of the most difficult challenges you will ever face...Your bf has complete control over you.When he says "JUMP," you grab the sky.When he says "DOWN," you dive in quick sand.When he says "FUCK YOU," you respond "I LOVE YOU!"I know first hand.I'm serious...I had to seek therapy.It's a very dysfunctional cyclic Co-Dependency that the two of you sadistically depend on.It got to a point where my ex's strategy made me start feeling insane...as I it would take after months of tormenting no contact from her was "Hey Sugar," and I was back to point 1.This last time however, I had to take extreme measures to get her to stop fucking with my head...I'm serious...She knew just how to retain control of my head...so I lead her to believe that legal authorities were tracking her for emotional abuse, stalking, harrassment and retaliation and that I was filing charges against her. I know this was deception, and I intend to share inform her of such deception, but now I can't because I have to get control of my head back...She is a lethal weapon when it comes to psychology.With respect to physical abuse, that never endured as with your situation...AND...it never would because I don't raise my hand to anyone...((My nickname is Sissy for a reason))..furthermore, I don't know how to fight and she would she's does so she would have beat my ass to Mars and back...so I just would have accepted the beat down...DYSFUNTIONAL YES...so that is why I took extreme measures so I can have the space and time to get myself out of this mindset my abusive family environment I grew up in and learned my behavior in.So, I hope my situation will shine some light on yours and perhaps even give you an idea of how to try and pull away.I will assure you it will be difficult...You will want to contact him...It will be emotionally draining...Do not date immediately...You will be closed off and resent the thought of another wanting to have a romantic relationship with you...as the only one who you will entertain this with will be your boyfriend, who will then be your ex...yet you will remain loyal to him...I know this all may sound insane...and yes, it is...BUT...IT IS REALITY.I wish you the best Sweetie.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2010): Because women are attracted to that type of behaviour, they love assholes. You were, and are attracted to him. If he had given you a drama free, loving relationship then you would have gotten bored and dumped him two months in. It's YOUR fault for staying, there are plenty of good guys out there that are single because they are good guys.
PS Just cause you're a girl gives you absolutley no right to punch a man, you're lucky he didn't hit you back.
...............................
A
female
reader, Jen1689 +, writes (10 December 2010):
 My fiance (23) did the same thing with his ex-girlfriend. He began dating her as a young man (17 or 18). She was 14 or 15 at the time. She treated him like absolute shit. She cheated on him, belittled him, fought with him, emotionally and mentally abused him, manipulated him, etc. They broke up many, many times, but all the while he would still take her back hoping she would change. She was heavy into alcohol and drugs and would oftentimes be promiscuous with sex. He tried to get her clean many times, but all she would do is lie about it and go behind his back. Whenever he would try to break up with her for good and break all contact, she would threaten suicide or self-harm. She did this countless times, and yet he still hoped that there was some saving grace that would take all her pain away and she would finally be okay. When he finally broke up with her for good, she slit her wrist with a kitchen knife while holding onto a stuffed animal he had gotten her. He found her, got her help, but then never spoke to her again.The truth of the matter is, people like that are called sociopaths, and are terrible people and won't change for ANYONE unless they get some serious professional help. As far as I know his ex is still manipulating people. She still drinks and smokes and now has a 1 1/2-year old son. The father of her child won't even be with her. She doesn't have a job, so I'm assuming she just uses people to help support herself.He wasn't just like that to you. You said yourself that his ex girlfriends (plural) warned you about them. He's got some serious issues that have nothing to do with you, so you need to stop beating yourself up over it. As far as why you stayed, I honestly don't know. I could never allow myself to be abused by someone over and over again. But there was something about him and that relationship that you were craving at the time, whether it was the drama or familiarity or confirmation of the lack of self-esteem on your part. Who knows... Only you can get some help to figure out what the issue was.
...............................
A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (10 December 2010):
Ideally, in a perfect world, we would like to be full of self confidence, and full of love for ourselves. When this is true, people's relationships are about sharing their happy selves with someone else who is already happy within themselves, and life is lots of fun and joy. We wouldn't be reliant on the other person for our own happiness, they would be there for us to express our love and recieve the love that they want to give.In todays world, what tends to happen is that people are not happy within themselves, so they get into relationships to have someone who will love them and make them feel better about themselves. They are imperfect, and their partners are imperfect. This is what makes relationships hard, but it also makes them an opportunity for us to learn about what we are not happy with in ourselves and how we might be able to change those things.Here are some of the things you have learned, or could learn about yourself:You have put up with a bad relationship where you are treated badly even though you know better. You "always felt something wasn't right about him" but chose not to act on this. You "tried to make him happy, wore my heart on my sleeve and tried even harder even though I couldn't do anything right" and none of that was the answer to making your relationship better."I know I'm a good person""One year in he cheated on me. I took him back." which sends the message to my partner that there are no consequneces for his bad actions, if he cheats or behaves badly I will let him get away with it."I wanted to believe everything would turn out in the end" but there was no change in his or my behaviour on which to base this belief. "It hurt that he didn't check how I was" and this is something I want in a partner. "My confidence level has dropped. I don't know how to feel good about myself again? I can't even look an attractive Guy in the eye because I feel like I'm not good enough and he would never go for me." In other words, I need to feel better about myself before I will feel ok to be with someone.To answer some of your questions:Why did I get treated like I did? He has his own problems, and I let him take his problems out on me without standing up for myself and what I expect out of a relationship. I didn't take action. You might want to follow this by saying "I am worth so much better and I won't let anyone treat me in this way ever again, it won't be tolerated!"His ex gf both of them warned me. I don't know why I didn't listen. You didn't listen because you have a kind heart and a lot of hope, and you want to believe the best in people. That is good, but if you are going to be like that in the world you need to have enough wisdom and strength of character to stand up for yourself when they prove you wrong. Why do men treat women like this?Men have their own emotional problems, and they sometimes take their problems out on women, and worst of all, women put up with it and let them get away with it. I just feel awful.I am sorry you are feeling so bad. Perhaps it is time for you to take care of yourself, and surround yourself with people who love and know how to take care of you too, until you feel better. Hopefully you can find positive things to learn from this unhappy experience and put them to good use so that you don't repeat these things in your next relationship. Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 December 2010):
 Cerberus is absolutely correct. It has to do with you letting him mistreat you and then crawling back to him. He is a lemon of a boyfriend, yet you stay with him and subject yourself to more ill-treatment and neglect.
This has everything to do with your self-image. Do you not see yourself as worthy of someone who would not mistreat you? Were you mistreated or abandoned as a kid?
You start feeling good about yourself by making the right decisions. Drop this guy like a bad habit and block him from contacting you.
I want to make this clear though. Absolutely clear. It should not have gotten to the point where you're punching a guy in the face. Domestic violence is wrong. You could have dumped him as easily as you could have punched him. If the tables were turned and some guy came on here talking about how he lost his temper and punched a girl in the face, we'd all gasp in horror and rail on him without mercy. There is NEVER an excuse for violence in a relationship.
You need some professional help. You need to NEVER contact your now-ex boyfriend again. You need to change your life.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2010): "Why do men treat women like this?" because women like you let them.
"Why did I get treated like I did?" because you let him.
"I don't know how to feel good about myself again?" time and a good counselor.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/women-actions-speak-louder-than-words.html
Don't worry you're not the first girl he did this to and you won't be the last. 1 out of 5 women suffer domestic abuse so there's a lot of women that let themselves get treated this way and some even worse than this. I'm a man I'll never figure out why anyone would let themselves be abused, even some men put up with this crap from their partners. Some people just don't know how to let go of something that's bad for them. They have some crazy notion that it's somehow worth it.
To me people like that are addicts, they're junkies as bad as heroin addicts just their drug of choice is an asshole. But their drug is far worse than heroin, their drug is a bad love.
Look you learned a harsh lesson, move on from that. Love isn't some all conquering thing, it never conquers major issues that's just a fantasy.
You'll be okay, just get some counseling and hopefully some of the other aunts here can give you some advice from a female perspective or from those in similar situations.
Just remember the signs next time and listen to your head, not your heart. The heart will always lead us to do the wrong thing if our head doesn't agree.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2010): Here's a guy's perspective: don't feel sorry for them, don't expect them to change (only they can do that, not you), once a cheater always a cheater, etc. (This is from my boyfriend)
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2010): Men treat women like he treated you because they learned this behavior in their own household. I guarantee you he had a mother who was alot like you (have you heard men seek women like their mothers right?) He saw his father cheat, put down and belittle his mother time and again as he watched his mother take it and take it time and again. That is how children learn their own boundaries in relationships, by watching the dynamics that goes on between their parents.
Just because they are his parents doesn't make them great people. Don't be like his parents, if they raised a son this insensitive I guarantee you they are not that upstanding. His dad is a bully, his mom is a pushover and the product of this dynamic is your boyfriend, who is a douche.
Put a stop to it immediately. Just walk away from this. And that's that. Don't be like his mom. You don't deserve this. Just walk away.
...............................
A
female
reader, krysberry +, writes (10 December 2010):
 i feel you girl. i went through the same bs with my son's dad. took him back time after time hoping he would change but he never did. it gets better. Idk why men are like that sometimes but trust me now that you have been through this you will appreciate a good man so much more.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyAlexxmo +, writes (10 December 2010):
 Not all men treat women like that! you cant think that all men are the same, he was just a bad luck choice or however you want to put it.
He acted like that because you let him get away with it on more than one occasion so he knew that he could get away with treating you that, you need to stand up for yourself and not allow any man to treat youy badly and remember not all men, not all people, are the same.
...............................
|
