A
female
age
,
*ecauseimworthit
writes:Hi, maybe a guy could answer my question or problem. To cut a long story short, my best friend (male) left his partner and children 8 months ago. We have been more than friends now for 4 years. When he left he disappeared off my radar for 2 months, where we used to speak and contact each other every day, he suddenly stopped. I was very upset at first, then followed the no contact rule.... i left well alone, thinking he needs to get himself sorted. True enough 2 months later he pops up online, we chat and he is round to see me that night.... over the weeks that followed, its been quite tough for him, with his ex putting on the pressure to go back, and then holding the children to randsome using them to hurt him, which it is doing. He has not been himself since he left home, he has only just got himself somewhere to live, and only just confirmed to his ex that he wont be going back. He feels he cant, he thinks things wont change and he dont want to put the kids through all that upheaval again. Realising that her other tactic of stopping him seeing the children didnt get him back, she tells him she has a job prospect away from the area which means taking the kids away from their dad. When i last spoke with him 2 weeks ago, he was fed up with the whole thing, and i dont know whats happend since, because he is now gone to ground again. I text him twice over the last week, and received no answer, then i called his phone, it rang, and he would of known it was me because my number would of appeared on his mobile, he didnt answer the phone, nor did he ring me back. I have heard nothing since. He has told me on more than one occasion, that when he gets real low, he cuts off from everyone, he doesnt talk or see anybody. I know this, but it doesnt stop me imagining all sorts of things, like is he with someone else, why wont he just let me know how he is, if he wants to end it with me why wont he tell me (i made him promise to tell me if he ever wanted to stop seeing me, and he promised me he would)..... so my question is this, ive stopped texting now, and i aim to call him in about 6 weeks to see how he is if ive not heard anything from him. Why does he not answer me or talk to me, i just dont get it, why cant he even just send a text to say leave me alone at least i would know. To just disappear, not contact me, after 4 years of consistent talking and contact, i just dont get it.Any advice?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 May 2012):
 Because you are overestimating your importance and position in his life. Maybe I've got it wrong, but " more then friends " with a married man sounds to me like you were - well, not even his mistress- seen the casual pattern of his comings and goings -more like his FWB.
Which begets two considerations :
- do you really expect a lot of proper, considerate behaviour from a man who has no qualms cheating on his wife ( physical cheating, or only emotional cheating does not really make a big difference. He was cheating )
- it's assumed that kids gloves are not needed in dealing with FWB types of situations. You call them when you need them, for sex or companionship or support , and when you don't , no ceremonies are needed or expected. He'll pop up again when and if he feels like- because he knows he can treat you this way, since you have already accepted it without a pip in the past. You have trained him to disrespect you, so what 's new now.
Then again, maybe I got it wrong , and " more than friends " just mean very emotionally close friends or something like that. In which case, why are you worried? He TOLD you that he withdraws when he has problems, you know how he is. A good friend is also someone who knows how to support her friends in the way THEY need - at times, leaving them be in their cave mulling over their worries. But somehow, I don't think this is the case at all...
A
female
reader, heart101  +, writes (12 May 2012):
I Feel your HURT and PAIN.
He is not considerate of yu at all and doesnt realise it.
Have you expressed this to him.?
If he has serious depression which he may he needs to get help.
you cant save him.
Do you want this friend to keep treting you like this?
How much pain will you endure?
Can you cut off now and accept that he doesnt have the skills, want, need or emotiounally energy to tell you?
MAybe he wants to end contact this way.
Send him text in 6 weeks or sooner and state that you wonht contact him further and hope he is ok.
AND DONT CONTACT HIM.
Let go. He is no good for you and your emotiounal and mental well being and he doesnt know that.
Look after you.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (11 May 2009):
He clearly thinks you are just friends.
Perhaps if you are something more than you should be with a married man then he now sees you as part of the problem rather than part of the solution.
If he is in a mess then he may just need an uncomplicated mate and not a "more than just friend"
Good Luck!! xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2009): When you say you are more than friends, what exactly do you mean?
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A
female
reader, becauseimworthit +, writes (11 May 2009):
becauseimworthit is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI totally get what you say, however we do have a more than friend relationship, we have been seeing each other now for nearly 4 years, and it is a strong bond, we have never argued, and i have never asked him to leave her for me.... to have him around all the time, and then not is heartbreaking, and yes i know he cuts off... its the silence thats hard for me... i will leave him to it, i did last time for 2 months and he came out the woodwork eventually, i guess i just feel so helpless, because he isnt leaning on me for support when i know he needs it.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (11 May 2009):
He's TOLD you that when he gets down, he cuts off from everyone.
This is not about YOU!
Why are you so angry that this man who is at his lowest point ever is not being considerate of YOUR feelings.
Leave him to it and be there for him when he is ready. That's what friends do. You are not his girlfriend, but you seem to act as though you are. He doesn't HAVE to be in constant contact with you. He can lean on you and treat you a little badly because you are his FRIEND and FRIENDS forgive this kind of thing and transcend it.
Good Luck!! xx
Good Luck!! xx
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