A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Well, me and my boyfriend of 17 months have been really loved up. I felt as though nothing would ever come between us, my soul mate, I was just so in love with him and knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.But as of recently, the past month or two have been getting increasingly difficult. He hasn't done anything wrong but I've turned my attention suddenly to other things. It started it out with me being content with everything I had, to wanting to go out and experience the world, to wanting to be with my friends more, to now taking an interest in having fun with other men. I really don't know what to do anymore. He's such a romantic and the sort of guy I've always imagined myself settling down with. But I'm only 19 and although I still love him and it would be so hard to break his heart, I'm really worried that not taking the risk and going out and having fun will be the biggest regret of my life. My boyfriend isn't very outgoing although he has tried to be for me. This means the world but it just hasn't proved enough.Last week on a trip away I met a guy who had all the qualities that my current boyfriend doesn't. And although I know that this new guy wouldnt be the sort of man I'd want to settle down with, I can't stop thinking about him. I just want to have fun. I'm just so scared I'll never meet anyone as lovely as my current boyfriend. Then I get myself down feeling I'm such a horrible person for thinking these things. If I was to split with him, things would be awful, for him more than me. We have holiday booked in July and we live together with other people. I just wonder if it's a phase everybody goes through? Although if it is, it seems to be never ending. Or is this it? Do some people just grow apart? I think if I met my current boyfriend in a few years or so I'd be happy, but right now I'm not. I'm just scared I'm being silly or making the wrong decision?
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (11 May 2009):
 Its a tough one - I was exactly the same as you aged 18. I went away to uni and had a boyfriend at the time - I thought he was the most perfect guy in the world and couldnt imagine being with anyone else. I thought I was going to marry him, have babies with him, the whole lot! But then when I went to uni, I realised there was more to life and that I wasnt ready to be settling down. I guess I just wanted to have fun and be free and single, to not have to take anyone else into consideration. In all fairness I did deserve it - I have been in and out of relationships since the age of 15 so it is only natural at some time to want to be alone and "free".
So in the end I left my boyfriend to go off and experience life on my own and just enjoy my time at uni (and have fun with other guys too). It was the right decision for me for a matter of weeks. I soon realised that having fun with other guys is not all its cracked up to be, the grass is most certainly not greener on the other side and while it was great to spend more time with friends, it only confirmed to me what a great guy my ex was and how rubbish life would be without him.
Unfortunately I had blew it - told my boyfriend I didnt love him anymore and broke his heart. I still love him to this day (nearly 4 years later) and he will never forgive me for what I have done to him. So I have to live the rest of my life knowing that I met my soulmate, I had him and then I threw it away for the sake of a bit of fun.
So the same thing could happen to you - you could be with your perfect guy right now, but lose him over something so stupid. But if you dont go out there and experience what you want to right now then you will resent him for the rest of your life.
It is a really horrible decision to have to make - you cant win either way. I am concerned you are wanting to break up with him for the wrong reasons though - you should not want to be single just to meet new guys, this will leave you completely disappointed and you will really miss your boyfriend! You will find out that men are mostly after 1 thing, and not many of them will stick around after! If your definition of fun is sleeping around then this is not a good idea, health wise, reputation wise, emotionally.... the list goes on.
If you want to be single to experience life without having another person holding you back then that is the right reason, if you want to be single just to have a couple of flings then this is really not the right reason. A fling is fun, but over pretty quickly and leaves you feeling lonely, used and feeling down. Even if you dont get emotionally attached you still feel a bit deflated when it is over - women naturally over-think everything and cannot help being a bit neurotic when it comes to love and relationships. You might think that you could remain detached from whatever guy you were sleeping with however in the end, you will still be thinking "why did it end", "did he find someone more attractive", "did I do something wrong" etc.
I say all this from experience - my time after my "perfect" ex was spent having "fun" with a number of guys, all of whom I never had feelings for. But even when I ended things with them, I still felt rubbish. All because I realised that they were never going to live up to my ex and that no-one could compare to him. It is a pretty horrible realisation that no man will ever compare to my ex and that I have lost the only man I will ever love.
You need to think about this long and hard - weigh all the outcomes up. Could you cope if you did split up with him but then shortly realise you were wrong but he wont have you back? I think maybe your best option might be to talk to your boyfriend. I wish I had spoke to my ex about how I was feeling instead of just breaking up with him and telling him I didnt love him anymore. That wasnt even true - I never stopped loving him I just needed time alone I guess.
It will be a hard conversation but I think it might help you get some clarity on the situation - dont tell him you want to date other guys because that will immediately put him on the defensive. Explain that you feel you have met him too young, and that you worry you will regret not going out and having fun now later in your life. There might not be any way to resolve this but you need to know that you tried your best in your relationship so your boyfriend deserves to know how you are really feeling.
I hope this has helped in some way, I understand you are facing a really huge decision and I wish you all the best.
A
female
reader, kellyxxx +, writes (11 May 2009):
 Some people do just grow apart but I think its a phase which a relationship goes through. Me and my boyfriend got through it!x
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