A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Why do people so often say men need porn when it's clearly a want not a need. No man has ever died of lack of porn and although men may prefer porn to masturbate with porn , men for thousands of years masturbated without the hardcore porn available at the click of a finger today. What porn was available in the past was nothing like what can be found so easily now days. So why so many excuses and people saying men need it when this is not true
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female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (3 February 2017):
Edit because autocorrect sucks: *insists on porn
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (3 February 2017):
Listen OP, truth is, we've all been taught about fairness and equality among human beings, but the world has never cared about stuff like that. The world just is what it is, just doing its own thing, and it will keep turning no matter how dissatisfied you become, and in fact it will keep turning long after you die.
Now, if you're hurting and you're using DearCupid as your platform to get your anger out of your system, that's fine, but realize that's what you're doing.
Because as much as I have become to despise some men, making superficial judgments based on gender is dumb, as you already know.
The only one you're hurting with this is yourself, because if you manage to poison your image of an entire gender, you will never be able to have a happy healthy relationship with a man without resenting him.
So basically, you have two choices.
1. Keep judging approximately half of the human population and continue ranting on the internet with little success
2. Get over it. Some men use porn. Porn is mostly terrible, because most porn actresses get treated terribly. Next time you find a guy who insists on his own, you draw the line and dump him.
You can't control the actions of other people. You can only control yourself.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (3 February 2017):
Listen OP, truth is, we've all been taught about fairness and equality among human beings, but the world has never cared about stuff like that. The world just is what it is, just doing its own thing, and it will keep turning no matter how dissatisfied you become, and in fact it will keep turning long after you die.
Now, if you're hurting and you're using DearCupid as your platform to get your anger out of your system, that's fine, but realize that's what you're doing.
Because as much as I have become to despise some men, making superficial judgments based on gender is dumb, as you already know.
The only one you're hurting with this is yourself, because if you manage to poison your image of an entire gender, you will never be able to have a happy healthy relationship with a man without resenting him.
So basically, you have two choices.
1. Keep judging approximately half of the human population and continue ranting on the internet with little success
2. Get over it. Some men use porn. Porn is mostly terrible, because most porn actresses get treated terribly. Next time you find a guy who insists on his own, you draw the line and dump him.
You can't control the actions of other people. You can only control yourself.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (3 February 2017):
 Reversing the insensitivity is not going to help. Affirmative action dating?
Nowdays women are declaring a need for variety. They just want security while they explore.
If you keep making hurt feelings a capital crime you are going to have a lot of dead young men.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2017): It's all about understanding men's instincts and desire for novelty and never about understanding women's need for security and respect .
Let's all tiptoe around men's huge egos and who cares if we crush
Women dignity and self respect in the process . This has gone on throughout history and Internet porn and the push for women to be ok with the horrible things shown is just the modern version of this .
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (1 February 2017):
I'm guessing that whomever you're dating or have dated has used this excuse on you to justify porn use.
And sure, 99% of porn is created with men as the target group. That doesn't mean every man watches it, or gets to a point of "needing it", which is the kind of phrase addicts use.
If the person you're currently in a relationship with has a porn addiction, that's his problem, not yours. I'd suggest dumping him, taking some time to be single and allow yourself to become less jaded in the process.
I'll be honest, I have had some experiences myself that have made me very judgmental about a certain 'type' of man so to speak, but I am aware I'm generalizing. You gotta find that point where you can sniff out the type of guy that would be toxic for you and instead of letting yourself get bitter over it, avoid them and concentrate on appreciating the good people you meet.
I have dated porn addicted men and I have dated men who watched very little of it and could care less about porn. I have found that the latter treat women better, have a more compatible sex drive and are better in bed. Porn addicts have often become so desensitized that they can no longer get their 'needs' met the regular way. It truly can be an addiction and most porn addicted men have a problem getting or maintaining a good relationship.
So like they say, plenty of fish in the pond.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (1 February 2017):
 Off course no man needs porn, and I never really hear men saying that. My man doesn't even watch it. Doesn't bother him in the slightest, and if he did want to watch it, then it would not bother me, as it is just the same as sitting down and watching a movie, only it is sexual. I don't see the problem.
My guess is that you have a boyfriend and he is more interested in watching porn than being with you. If that is the case, then he may very well be addicted to it and is making excuses for himself. If he is addicted and it is effecting your relationship then he needs help.
However if he just likes to watch it when you are not around or some how wants to introduce it, then you need to ask yourself why you have a problem with it and solve it between you both.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (1 February 2017):
Any man who says he NEEDS porn for any reason, is simply trying to make excuses for the fact he uses it. In short, he's an addict.
Personally I'm not overly bothered about porn use, but I do get annoyed at the number of stories I hear of men lying about it then trying to shift the blame to their partner when they get caught, claiming it's a need and all men do it. Many do, sure. But all?
And even if the majority of men do look at it, that doesn't make it a healthy pastime. There is more and more evidence coming out proving how detrimental overuse of porn can be to individuals and their relationships, yet as you know OP, this evidence is often dismissed. Why? Simply put, they don't want it to be true. Because then they are deprived of something they like. Nine times out of ten in a discussion about porn, those arguing for it will try to find something equally 'bad' the other partner does (Reading romance novels, watching rom-coms etc) to justify their use instead of actually listening to the concerns of their partner. Attack is the best form of defence as they say.
I seriously think we need to move away from the view that porn use is inevitable due to male biology. Men may crave sexual variety, but they have a choice whether to act on that or not. To suggest men are slaves to their sex drives does all of the good men a disservice and excuses the bad behaviour of the bad ones.
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (1 February 2017):
I have never heard a guy friend tell me that he or other men "need" porn. Some of my guy friends don't get off on porn. If every guy who masturbates needed it, porn would have overtaken our world by now.
Up until less than a century ago, many men never saw a nude woman except for their wives and maybe a few past girlfriends. There were no magazine photos of even partially nude women. I'm sure they got aroused by and masturbated to visual memories as simple as a pretty face, an ankle or cleavage. Well, today we all get to see that on a daily basis and it takes more to get us off. It's like increasing drug dosages as one's system "needs" more and more.
Having grown up before the invention of cell phones or even answering machines, I'm often reminded of how cell phones are not just needed but have become an almost absolute necessity.
You are so right about you dad's porn being being tame in comparison to what is available today. Unfortunately, porn content has grown not only more and more extreme (sometimes showing abuse of women), but enormous quantities can be found in the internet unfiltered and for free! The USA government has tools to at least require age verification but it doesn't seem to even be an issue.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2017): FA I have no idea what billionaire or mercenary romances are ? A type of novel that you assume I read because I'm a female ? If so I'm
Sorry to inform you that I have never read a romance novel in my life !
There is no personal issue nor an interest in a political debate thanks anyway
Simply a desire to understand why women are asked to 'understand ' men's need but men are not ( or rarely at best ) asked to understudy that many women find this extremely demeaning
That was my question and Thankyou for your attempt to engage some level of discussion and admitting that men make no attempt simply because they are told not to bother attempt to try and understand women from a young age . A cop out I believe but likely a very accurate reason.
I think we beat leave our discussion at that lest it become a he said she said but I do appreciate your input and honesty. Indeed men do not make any attempt to understand women and lie frequently to avoid penalty . One of these penalties it seems is being denied a relationship or sex with a woman who explicitly told them she doesn't want a man who uses porn . This to me seems quite abusive for a man to manipulate a woman by lying about something that may impact her whole view of him and get her to alre with someone who she considers enjoys watching women being degraded .
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (31 January 2017):
I sense a personal issue here. There are other forums for political discussion.
I focused on your problem. Or rather the problem you are alluding to without actually owning it. Now it would be presumptuous of me to guess what your actual situation is so we can continue this as a whole society political discussion or we can get to something that will help a specific person.
You not being a man, have little understanding of what men are told when a conflict involving porn usage is opened. Being told to suck it up would be a very nicely couched suggestion compared to what we are actually told. The accusations and invective are never spared.
You bring up an interesting point about men understanding women. from a young age men are told that it is impossible and not to try. Women collude in this campaign of misinformation. It wasn't until I was much older that I actually found people willing to teach me how to understand women. As Such there is still much I don't understand. Perhaps someday when your present troubles are over you can explain Billionaire and mercenary Romances to me.
And Finally the problem of lying about porn use. Well Lying is frequently worse to the relationship than the thing lied about. Except porn use. The penalties for porn use are so high that many addicted men see lying as the only course of action.
Please keep writing back if this is helping you in any way, Even if you are just getting a forum to vent your frustration.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2017): Totally agree FA that men obviously think entirely differently and that until EACH side considers the others views no solution will be possible
It was just interesting to me that you were quick to tel me how I as a woman NEED to understand men and how they are different yet herein lies my very point !
When woman are hurt by porn are men told to consider women's feelings and how they emote differently ? No ! Women are told a long list of excuses.
You actually just supported my very point in both your posts .
Women are told to suck it up and understand men
Men are Rarely if ever told to suck it up and understand that many women find this compleleotndekeanong and do not want to be with men who use it
Which leads to another major issue . The huge problem of men trivialising the importance of this to some women and lying about their use of porn.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2017): Totally agree FA that men obviously think entirely differently and that until EACH side considers the others views no solution will be possible It was just interesting to me that you were quick to tel me how I as a woman NEED to understand men and how they are different yet herein lies my very point !When woman are hurt by porn are men told to consider women's feelings and how they emote differently ? No ! Women are told a long list of excuses. You actually just supported my very point in both your posts . Women are told to suck it up and understand men Men are Rarely if ever told to suck it up and understand that many women find this compleleotndekeanong and do not want to be with men who use it Which leads to another major issue . The huge problem of men trivialising the importance of this to some women and lying about their use of porn.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (31 January 2017):
You say I am trivializing, I claim you are exaggerating. You started the trivialization by saying that no man has ever died from missing pornography. That is a very low threshold. Thus my claim that you are quibbling (arguing over the meaning of one word and ignoring the substance of the issue). As a person who nearly lost a marriage over Romance novels I claim my experience trumps yours.
The difficulty you are having here is your inability to see the basic differences between men and women. Like many people you think everyone is just like you inside but with shorter legs or a different haircut. If pornography was an easy issue to solve we would have solved it. Porn has been around since the stone ages, and I suspect that love stories have been around just as long.
I'm not defending pornography. What you are saying is true. But you are dismissing 50% of the population because they were were born with a different gender than you. They are not women with penises any more than women are men with a womb. Men literally think and emote in different ways than women. Until you get a grasp of that, until you accept that men's emotional needs are different than yours, we cannot work together on a solution.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2017): Yes FA but surely comparing it to shoes or soap operas trivialises the issue . We see day after days women hurt by this issue . Sure , many many not be but the reality is that many women find it demeaning and hurtful . So why is it that men turn their WANTS into something more important than women feeling demeaned and seeing images of females treated like meat.
It may seem amusing to some to compare it to shoe shopping but at the end of the day these are very real issues affecting very real people . Surely someone getting a sexual kick from an industry that is at best questionable is a reason to consider why ones partner is hurt ?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2017): Ha ha ha, FA's advice gave me a hearty chuckle!! :D :D He's said it so brilliantly, I don't have much to add. However I would say that if in excessive use the effects of porn on the human mind are not good.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (30 January 2017):
You're quibbling. Women don't "need" shoes. No woman has ever died of lack of shoes. Many women prefer to walk with shoes, some prefer a lot of shoes. Many women have walked thousands of miles without shoes Certainly not the kind of shoes we have today. The simple sturdy sandals and moccasins of yesteryear should certainly be sufficient. So why so many Shoe stores?
As a point of reference I did order a pair of shoes for Mrs. FA this past weekend, and I agree that the porn we have today is more damaging than the porn of the past. I'm not sure the old style printed porn was good for men either.
What I do KNOW for certain is that men are naturally more visually turned on than women. It's a good thing too, because us Men are Ugly.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2017): Who says men "need" porn? I don't hear men saying that.
Men do say that sex in general is a basic "need" and that's true for most people. But a need is not an entitlement.
Porn is something that couples need to work out between them. Different rules suit different people. Its a compatibility issue.
Do women need romance novels and soap operas? Its not so different in principle.
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