A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys. Im just looking for a bit of advice. Im 24 years old and I married my husband last year. Lately he has been very selfish and entitalled. Every morning he is rude and angry. He always complains about having to go to work. I am so sick and tired of hearing excuses about his work. I get up and go to work like a normal person and accept that this is a part of life. No point in being upset about it. I cant take it! every single morning he does this. He just seems to only care about himself and his needs. I ask him to come with me to the shops so he can pick his dinner. He doesn"t, then i pick the wrong thing because he doesn't want to stand and cook a meal when im at work so it has to be a microwavable meal. He will blame me if he doesn't have any dinner and be rude about it. I have been trying to make him see the way his selfish attitude is making me feel but he just doesn't reply to me and sweeps it under the rug. He plays computer games all the time with his friends and we have to build our life around his Playstation. He always spends way more than he should when he knows we are on a budget. I deal with the money so he just puts all the stresses onto me and gets whatever he wants. I have told him that if he keeps pushing like this then he will break us. I feel like my opinions dont matter as he always dismisses them as if im being to sensative. I only just lost my Dad suddenly 6 months ago (he was only 48 years old and on holiday, i never got to say goodbye and I still feel the same grief I felt the first day but I always get on with everything I need to do and he just acts like a child who needs looked after). I feel the stresses of life so much more and I feel he gives me zero help at all. I feel like he doesn't care at all about me and my happiness. Only what I can bring to his life. I love him but I need to do something to show him Im serious but I don't know what. Any help would be great
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female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (3 February 2017):
Thanks for the update OP! Looks like he isn't completely oblivious after all. Hold your ground, assert your boundaries, but stay as calm as possible.
Could be that he was simply procrastinating on growing up, which means he realized what he was doing was wrong, but he was indulging himself anyway. Bad behavior but not hopeless. Like others have said, if someone is willing to change, the situation could be salvaged.
To help pave the way, WiseOwlE has posted some really good advice.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (1 February 2017):
 Sorry to hear about your father, it is tough when a family member dies so young. You should be able to talk to your husband about your grieve.
Okay so now on to the husband, he complains about work because he is lazy. He may hate his job therefore maybe suggest he looks for something new to do. Sit with him and figure out a career path that he would enjoy and encourage him to go forward with it.
As for the cooking and expecting everything, I hate to say it but if the relationship started like this then he has grown to expect it and wonders now why his dinner is not their prepared for him. He needs a reality check. If he refuses to go shopping with you then tell him he will need to go and buy his own food. Maybe do up a rota where he does his share off chores and meals and you do yours. Tell him things need to be equal as you have to work long days as well.
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A
male
reader, badger543 +, writes (31 January 2017):
 Firstly, I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your dad at such an early age.
As for your husband, he is clearly too immature for marriage at the moment and you could be waiting years for him to grow up. It is quite common for a man at that age to be more interested in his male friends than his wife/girlfriend. You need to speak to him and tell him how unhappy you are. Give him a chance to explain his behaviour. You can't let things continue the way they are. You also need to spend some quality time together (at the weekend?) to re-kindle your feelings for each other. I wish you luck! x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2017): Hi guys. OP here. Thanks for your advice on this. I really needed to hear that I wasn't being too sensitive with this. I'm not sure what made him change into this selfish person. He was always so loving before. We have known each other since we were kids. I think I may have catered for him for far too long now he is just taking me for granted. I've asked him to make some time for us to sit and talk rationally when we are both in a calm frame of mind which he has agreed too as he wants me to feel happier in our marriage. There is loads of great parts in our marriage also but his attitude is diluting the good parts. I hope when we speak rationally and not in an argumentative way I will be able to get my point across better
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2017): You've got a lazy man-boy on your hands. The selfishness and high sense of entitlement are common traits in millennials; and I'm afraid getting older, and the school of hard knocks, has to pound some sense into that knucklehead.
Be straight-up and honest. Tell him marriage to him has been disappointing, and it sucks the way he behaves. He'll tell you the same, or have some clever comeback. Just ignore it.
You've planted the seed in his head, and it will play over and over. Don't over-emphasize a point or go bitch-mode. Be the adult. Calm assertive-behavior gives you a lot of power. Getting you upset gives him all the power. Bite your tongue or an apple.
If he wants to eat, let him cook his own meals and don't engage him in arguments about food or grocery shopping. Period!!! Trust me, he will not let himself starve.
Buy whatever you think is healthy and nutritious, and leave it at his option whether to eat it or not. Just like you would handle a spoiled-child.
Your problems stems from your lack of assertiveness; and giving-in when you see you can't "make" him do the right thing. You get paralyzed with frustration. So you must simply ignore him as you would a spoiled-brat, and do what has to be done to run the household. He has handed over all the adult responsibilities to you. So I guess you're the boss!
Setup the bills you can auto-pay through your banking account. Immediately withdraw the money for the rent or mortgage, and purchase a cashier's check payable to the bank or landlord. He will argue, and pitch a fit; but the bills have to be paid. Do not co-sign on his credit cards. They must remain strictly his own debt. When you have a spend-thrift for a husband, you have to use your personal debit or check cards. Do not use credit cards unless it is an emergency. If they are running high balances, take it from him. Do not cancel credit cards. You just pay them off. You can also lower or freeze the line of credit available.
Okay, now about the boyish and stubborn behavior. Avoid stand-downs and toe-to-toe battles. He will put you on the defensive and use his maleness to intimidate and bully you into submission. That's when he sleeps on the couch. Do not use sex as a weapon, but only as a reward. You are only modifying his childish-behavior; you are not challenging his masculinity, or trying to control him. You are demanding his respect as his wife.
Turn on the stereo or put on your earphones and let him rant about his job. It's how he psyches himself up to deal with his job, which he hates. He blows-off his steam before going in, so he won't blowup at work. Suggest he start looking for a new job, but don't leave the old one until he's hired.
You don't have to listen to his bullsh*t, and don't be afraid to tell him so. Make your mornings pleasant for yourself. Just be pleasant regardless of his behavior, he's poking the bear. He wants you to lose it too. Don't! He sours the air in the morning, neutralize it. Be sweet and hum to yourself, oblivious to the tantrums. He needs an audience. Otherwise, what's the point?
Last resort. Tell him you will seek a legal separation if things don't improve. When he becomes difficult to deal with and goes out of his way to be obnoxious and rude to you; go home to mum, or spend a week with a sister or girlfriend.
You can also kick him out when necessary. He'll threaten to hangout and get into mischief with his friends. But like spoiled little boys always do; he'll miss you, his own bed, and his toys.
Leave him a letter on the fridge explaining in detail exactly why you're leaving. Leave out nothing. If he doesn't listen, I hope he can read. Do not respond to text messages. Tell him if he has anything to say, say it in-person. Refuse to argue. Insist on his respect and talking like two adults. Walkaway from arguments. Stay only if he'll listen, and you can get your point across. Sit in your car, roll-up the windows and scream. It works for me.
Do not discuss your domestic problems with anyone but your husband. If anybody asks, simply say you're going through some adjustments. Bad-mouthing your husband and spreading too much information is not good for a young marriage. He isn't growing-up fast enough, and is dumping all the adult responsibilities on you.
Girlfriends and sisters don't need to know your business. Ask specific questions if you need answers, do not place a name to any of them. I mean it! Loose-lips sink ships!
Your husband has to grow-up. He thinks you're married, and he's still single. So you have to now make him aware he is married, he has a wife, and he must love and respect her.
If he doesn't like his job, get a new one. Otherwise; shut the hell up! When he gets on your nerves, find yourself a safe-haven and a quiet place. I repeat, do not discuss the details of your marital problems with your mother, sisters, or friends. They will offer generous advice anyway, they instinctively know it's man-problems. You don't need them running your marriage for you. Girlfriends don't need to know your weaknesses in your relationship, or details about your man. Especially, your husband!
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (30 January 2017):
 If he is the also younger than 26 this is getting to be way too common behavior. I've seen U Tube videos of women trashing their boyfriends game systems. That is drastic, and possibly counter productive. Divorce is more drastic.
Selfishness can be cured, but like many changes it only works if he wants to change. For ma person to become generous they have to learn to find joy in the service of others.
I'd like to offer some less drastic suggestions for your specific complaints. One Whining about work. Many people work at jobs that are a poor fit. Foolishly they quit with no replacement in mind. I'm not Sure about your government employment services but he needs to take some of the time he is not at work and go in and to talk to someone in Vocational Rehabilitation. Also thank him for going to work. I know it sounds too simple to work, but men are very responsive to what the women in their lives expect of them. When he leaves for work, see him off by saying something like, Thank you for working, I feel loved when you contribute to our finances. When he comes home have a thank you note with his meal.
2 Computer games with friends. Negotiate a limit with him. A good place to start would be, When I am home I like to spend time with you. Time with you makes me feel more connected to you.
3 Rudeness, This is the tough one that you may really need a counselor to get you through. My first inclination is to say refuse to accept it. If he is Rude say. Saying that (specific words) is abusive and I will not tolerate it Stop right now or I will leave for the night. if you make that kind of threat you need to be ready to act on it (with a bag in your boot and a place to go.)
4 Emotional Support. You need to ask for specifically what you need. I need you to hold me for 15 minutes while I cry. I need you to drive me to mom's house so I can talk with her. I need you to take me to the cemetery Saturday at 1 pm. I need you to listen to me.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (30 January 2017):
Ask him one question..."Why did you marry me?"
If he says he married you because he loves you, then ask him what part of your marriage right now, shows you how much he loves you.
If his answer is not based on his love for you...well you know where you stand.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 January 2017):
 Wow, he sounds like a total brat.
First off I'm sorry for the loss of your Dad. I can't believe your husband is not supportive of your grief at all, what kind of person doesn't support their spouse through a loss like that?
Second, of all, I'd record him whine and complain. And then play it back so he can hear how negative he is. He needs a dose of reality.
As for food. Tell him to go stuff a sock in it. IF he wants something specific he can either WRITE you a shopping list or GROW up and go buy it himself.
I'd be consistent and STOP catering to him. Don't enable these man-child tantrums.
The one thing you HAVE to accept is that THIS IS who he is. And that you can't change him. You can show him that you won't take his crap OR live with it.
What happened that made him change lately? IF he wasn't like this before your marriage, what has changed?
And consider that this guy may not change and then what?
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (30 January 2017):
 Couples' therapy or divorce. He may be depressed, but that's no excuse to not get help for it. If he was mostly like this pre-marriage, you can't complain because he hasn't changed. However, that doesn't mean you need to be happy with it because it sounds like a horrible marriage to be stuck in.
Tell him you will have to file for a divorce if things don't change and you don't both go to therapy together, as you can't live like this. Then stick to it.
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