A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I feel embarassed just typing this, but well...I am nineteen year old, college student, I am extremely outgoing, I have a lot of friends and I am quite popular with them. I am tomboyish as in "loving sports, fights and cars" but you wouldn't tell from the way I looked apart from the short hair because I love dresses and high heels. I also have both curves and kind of body you get from working out daily. I have my flaws - I have a whole frickin lot of flaws - but they can be seen only when you actually know me. Anyway, like I said in the title, guys NEVER EVER approach me. The only guys I have been with were basically the guys I knew well and approached for casual sex. Only drunken homeless guys ever hit on me, lol. In clubs no one asks me to dance and I just sit there like an idiot sipping my drink. All my male friends automatically file me under 'one of the boys' and everyone I meet at the parties usually seems to instantly like me, talk with me, but never flirt - flirting is reserved for all other girls in the group.I am getting tired of this. My friends don't ever give me good advice - all they say is something silly like "your face is always so serious" (NOT true) and "guys are intimidated by your looks"(not even going to grace that with a comment) - so any help would be really, really appreciated
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female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (17 October 2012):
 With all due respect to my fellow aunts and uncles...I respectfully disagree. Some men simply are wimps. Some women flirt, bat their eyelashes, lure them in, and all the rest, and the men are so scared they run in the opposite direction. Now I know you are going to say "Well...there is a *degree* to which you must flirt! You must not scare the men away!". Ok, can we just say we have a normal man and a normal woman who responds to normal talking, normal flirting, and neither is stupid and both get the hint? This really is not that hard. But it is if you have men who are wimps.
I do agree that you need to approach the men instead. If you wait around for them...you will be waiting forever. Usually when men would approach me, I felt like I was being stalked when I was out walking or biking. Or, I was also asked out by a man who was old enough to be my father. Very nice man, but not the man for me. Hang in there, and be careful with getting advice. You can become so self-conscious of everything you are doing or not doing that you actually forget to be yourself.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 October 2012):
 Here's the secret. Men NEVER approach a woman first. Never. If they do it is extremely rare, or they are extremely drunk, or extremely rude. Nice, mature, polite men do not approach a woman.
And right now you're thinking WTF I am sure. And guys all over probably also think WTF? But the thing is... it is women who control this game. A guy might enter a club, and from the outside it looks as if HE is the one who chooses who to approach. But that isn't so.
The women are always the ones who decide if they want a man to approach them or not. And body language, and subtle signs, are the only things we use. But that is also what works. Women do not approach men, but we lure them in. And then the man thinks he is the one who has to make the movies, he thinks he is the one who "picked her up". But in reality, it was all her. She decided, at the moment when she saw him, if she would be open to him or not.
If guys aren't approaching you I can 100% guarantee you it is because you aren't signaling that you are open. You aren't luring them in. You aren't sending out the subtle signs, and you don't use your body language to show him that you want him to approach you. Men aren't mind readers, you need to show him you are available. A guy just will not approach a woman he doesn't think he stands a chance with, or a woman who has clearly shown him she isn't interested.
To sum it up: Woman, you need to learn how to flirt.
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A
female
reader, fireball  +, writes (16 October 2012):
 OKay - I don't usually do this, but i have to answer your question with a question (or several, actually) :
What is YOUR problem? Why do you wait for guys to approach you? IF you're so outgoing, than why not approach them yourself?
As for reasons why they don't - maybe they are intimidated by you....or maybe within your social circle you have the reputation pegged on you that you're (like)'one of the boys'
YOU need to reverse this reputation. YOU need to pour on that womanly seductive charm, and show them the side they aren't recognizing.
you go girl.
Show 'em what they are missing, and quit the frustrating pity party you have for yourself in wondering WHY they don't.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (16 October 2012):
I have to laugh reading some of these responses. I work in a professional setting and have never once had anyone tell me I have an "attitude" or come across "too strong" or am "too outgoing".
I also do not think I "chat it up"...in fact...I am normally listening and not talking my head off. I'm very respectful of people in general.
So, if you're a woman you are either "too demure", "too talkative", and/or "not talkative enough". Or, "you give everything away about yourself" or "you're not mysterious enough".
Women always have something wrong now don't we?
For me, it would be easier to say that many men are just lazy. Many have been taught or told not to pursue a woman because it might turn her off. Many do not have a clue how to make small talk to engage a woman (how hard is it?). Many do not want to take the risk of asking a woman...and a whole host of other reasons.
I have tried the simple smile and the "Hi...how are you this evening?" They say "fine" and move on. Now luckily for me, I have a boyfriend. He made eye contact, I made eye contact and we both acted. But, I can still say hi to 10 men on the street and half of them will not speak, look my direction, or smile. So don't feel badly. It's a good idea to look at how you present yourself...but don't think it's always you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2012): When I was your age most guys that approached were the ones that wanted a quick hook up.This is what young guys do, go around with basket in their hands under the apple tree, hoping that some random apple will fall in.It doesn't mean there are no guys out there who want a relationship and actually have a girlfriend.I m considered to be pretty, but most of the time I don't get approached by guys, I can't say never, let's say 30/70. And what I noticed when they do come to me, it's ussualy few of them during night. And then a different night in a club, none. I think it's coming from inside of us, depends on how we feel. Plus, you don't have to be SOOO outgoing, have a little mystery to yourself, return glances, don't turn away, that discourages them.But don't be super chatty. Havelittle talks, let them lead the conversation.
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A
male
reader, human_male  +, writes (15 October 2012):
 It's impossible to say from not knowing anything about you. Do you have any male friends you can trust to give you a honest answer?If not, I think all you can do is pay really close attention to how you act around men. I know that doesn't sound like particularly good advice, but I've recently heard someone say something similar "ment never approach me", and whenever I've seen her talking to someone she's had a real attitude, and she's obviously completely oblivious to that.Some people just seem to get a lot of attention from the opposite sex seemingly without any effort. It's the same with guys. There's always that one guy who girls are always all over, he might not be great looking or whatever. It's confounding. Maybe it's something completely subliminal and beyond our control like pheromones or something. Who knows.But that being said, men might feel more inclined to approach you if they get some encouragement because there are bound to be some who are interested. You might be surprised what a simple smile or a couple of seconds of sustained eye contact can do.And don't be afraid to approach men you like. Sure it might be tiresome but if you're not getting anywhere sitting back and waiting for it to happen, then being more proactive is only logical.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (15 October 2012):
This has generally been my experience also. I have had a few men approach me, but usually, I have to approach them. I am not sure why because I am friendly and outgoing too.
If you ask around, you will get various answers from "men are intimidated by you", "men don't know what to say to you", and/or "you are so happy, men probably think you don't need them" and an assortment of other crazy excuses. Literally...I have heard it all.
I do not really understand why. Maybe some men could offer some explanations. I don't believe that I have ever put out "negative vibes" which will be another one people use to claim there is something wrong with us...not the men. It's unfortunate because there have been several men I would have liked to have gone out with, but it grows tiresome being the one to pursue all the time.
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