A
male
age
41-50,
*eartbroken in love
writes:Ok so this is really a question for men who have been through the same thing and women who have told a guy this and what it really meant for them. I'm in love with this girl for quite some time now. She is my best friend. so much so that I dont see myself wanting to find someone else. To make a long story short, I fear I am stuck in that dreadful friend zone and though she insists that I am not I still feel that I am. She says she can see herself with me but not right now. She also says that when she meets someone she just knows if she can be with that person or not. My real question why do people (men or women) always make these prequalifiers of things for a potential mate to live upto? And also these things end up being things that the person has no control over changing... why do this? I find when people do this very rarely does the relationship work out. Why not go based on things that a person has complete contol over? any suggestions?
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (12 September 2009):
 The real question is what are her "prequalifiers"?
From an objective standpoint of view you want to find someone that fits within certain boundaries. You don't want to date the wrong person and end up in a bad and failed relationship.
As far as being stuck in the friend zone, the best way to control this situation is to look around for someone else.
If she gets upset that you're moving on, then it could send a signal to her that you aren't going to wait until she's through shopping a the "boy store". You've got a right to go to the "girl store" and try and find someone that won't play with you.
I am not assuming its deliberate on her part, but it reads like she's making you wait around while she decides which could be forever, and that's just patently unfair to you.
Life's short and frankly everyone's entitled to find love if they want to.
You could do the chivalrous thing and wait. But if you're going to do that, you better ask her if she wants you to wait, and why. If she's good, she'll tell you not to wait. If she's bad, she's going to be controlling your love life and that's not good.
A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (12 September 2009):
 One more thing...
having pre-qualifiers is important (I don't want to make it sound like they aren't) because the act of sex can end in a pregnancy.
When joining genes (or the potential for it), people have a right to be picky and have criteria.
The issue is whether or not the criteria is realistic or even relevant to what makes them happiest in life in the long term.
-Frank Kermit
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (12 September 2009):
In the case of ending up in the friend zone, the answer is that you addressed enough of her emotional needs that she likes you enough as a friend, but you fell neutral on or violated her emotional needs enough such that she does not want to be your lover. I created a program for turning a friend into a lover, where I explain the emotional needs (a book, and a 2 CD lecture).
As to the pre-qualifiers, for some people, they base what they seek on their past experience, feeling that what they felt in the past is what they expect to feel in the future with their next lover. For others, they really have no idea, so they cling to ideals in abscene of having actual relationship management skill. However, the is always a difference between what a person says they want, and what they actually respond to.
Lastly, it all comes down to the emotional needs (what a person responds to) and most people have no clue about what their own emotional needs are, nor how to address the emotional needs of the people they want to be in relationships with.
-Frank Kermit
http://www.franktalks.com
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