A
male
age
36-40,
*ndy00
writes:Hello, Andy00 here.First, I want to suggest that nobody here answer this question if they think that they will just be opening up old wounds.Most of you know that my long distance relationship (2 years) disbanded (she dumped me) almost 8 months ago. I have since been with somebody new, but only for a very short time, so it hasn't exactly helped me "move on" as much as it could have. But I've read on here many question where people who have been in relationships and were not faced with any awkward circumstances of any sort, were together for a while (2, 3, 4+ years) and in the end have broken up.So if any of you out there have been in long term relationships that didn't work out, please tell me what happened. The reason I'm asking for this is because I lack experience of what you would call a "normal" relationship, where by, you could see the person as much as you want, ect. To me, it doesn't feel like the last relationship I was in would have failed if it were not for distance. I'm sure anyone who has been in a long term relationship has thought it would always last and that you and your partner would be happy together. So what happened?Sometimes it seems so wrong that couples break up, especially after so much time and so many experiences together. Forgive me if I sound at all naive. As I say, I don't have a lot of experience.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2008): It may sound trite, Andy, but like the famous song by Tina Turner,,,what does love have to do with it? Relationships start with love, they don't last because of it, but in spite of it....there has to be all the planets in line, and so much more to make it last a very long time....think more than you feel and you will be on the right track....we can also think or choose how we feel....imagine holding onto a an object like a pen in your hand, the more tightly you hold onto it, the more it is part of you or your thoughts....let go of it, let it drop on the table, the object is still there, but it is no longer a burden for us to hold onto ,,,,,feelings are a lot like that, you have to let them go when they no longer are needed or make sense.....
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (22 February 2008):
 Sorry if I misunderstood your post. I thought you were seeing someone. Other than that, I just can insist on what I said.
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A
male
reader, Andy00 +, writes (22 February 2008):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the question I should explain, because I think some of you... Danielepew atleast, misunderstand me. "I have since been with somebody new, but only for a very short time". This is because we broke up. It only lasted 3 weeks.
To everyone who calls me a thinker, I think you are putting it lightly. I'm a massive over-thinker!! I think and I dwell on things constantly. I can't seem to escape it. I suppose that's why I asked this question. My ex fell out of love with me because she thought our relationship would fall apart when she went away to university. We had struggled a little while it was just long distance, but coping with that AND uni would have been too much (I'm starting to see she was right). I believe this is why the relationship collapsed, and you're all right; it doesn't seem right or fair, but that isn't an excuse for me to dwell on it as much as I have done. I'll probably feel much better when I find somebody special again.
Please don't feel like I've asked this question out of dwelling. I'm just curious because I haven't encountered it in a "normal" sense. So, why do people fallout of love? I couldn't imagine falling out of love with my ex... In some ways after all this time without her, I still haven't.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (22 February 2008):
Ooops, and a little opinion. You never move on from an old love because you stay with someone for some time. You move on when you make the decision to do so. Do it, Andy. Make the decision to leave the past in the past.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (22 February 2008):
Life is never the way you want. The trick is to learn from the bad parts, and to be happy no matter what.
You have someone with you now. She deserves all of your attention. It's right that you're asking questions about why your previous relationship failed, but it's even more important that you focus on the person you are with now. You have a great chance to make it right this time. Seize the day.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (22 February 2008):
 Here are the list of reasons my long term relationships ended.
1) too young to have been together, didn't know what we wanted, really went our separate ways
2) boyfriend moved away; tried the long distance thing but we just grew apart; tried to get back together many, many times and even today we both truly love each other but alas timing is a nasty co-conspiritor
3) 22 year marriage; didn't know the person well enough to have married them; tried to make it work; stayed too long and at some point you have to be true to yourself
Andy, there really isn't a one size fits all for why relationships end. I'm preaching to the choir here but can you just take one step past this to see that the world is full of possibilities? You sound like a very nice young man. Life was meant to be lived in forward, not reverse. Someone will love you but if you make the choice to fall in love there is no guarantee it will last. We all just need to enjoy it while we have it.
Take Care Andy.
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A
female
reader, bemused  +, writes (22 February 2008):
 Andy.
Do you know how timely this question it. Songs, book and plays have been written on this very subject. The other posters here give thoughtful and courageous answers. The way I see it an intimate relationship is one of the most satisfying things in life...everyone wants the security and in most cases the commitment. This comes with the necessity though to be blatantly unselfish at times, to put the needs of the other person ahead of yourself and to compromise. These things can be challenging for some people and with faced with the demands of this some people would rather be apart. Each situation is different and unique and it is easy to generalize. Rythmandblues is correct..all relationships end eventually...many long married couples included but that is no reason to shy away from them.
Do not take what happened to you recently to heart. Life throws curveballs at us all at time. You sound like a thinker...many people would not feel this level of pain because they may not think as deeply. I can tell you this..there is someone out there who is going to find this quality of yours special...hope you find her soon.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2008): Sorry, that author is M. Scott Peck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2008): Dear Andy,
There are many reasons long term relationships break up, not to mention illness and death.....it does seem wrong when they end, it does seem unfair, but you know what, none of escapes the end of a relationship, none of us....and it does not matter what the reason is, knowing it does not help to put an end to it, which is what I think you are really asking.
Please see if you can locate this book and take a read, I think it will help you immensely. "The Road Less Traveled", by Scott M. Peck, it is a book about spirituality, relationships and the road less traveled in life....you sound like you are searching for answers, I swear they are in this book. Take care Andy, and let it go, stop ruminating and trying to figure out why this relationship of yours ended....you are young, it was long distance, it was meant to end from it's beginning it was OK, you were loved....
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A
female
reader, meaculpa3839 +, writes (22 February 2008):
 You are absolutly right! MOST times it is wrong that couples break up. They give up .. stop trying...want the early stage butterflies to last forever. They do not want to work through troubled times it is easier and socially acceptable to just walk away. Couples seem to forget that they are each individuals with different wants and needs. Woman need to feel loved and men need to feel respected. Not that other things don't come into play but from my experience that is at the top. I was in a relationship and married for over ten years. I stayed single for several years before I too was in a long distance relationship. He is the love of my life but the miles and circumstances prevent us from being together right now. We are apart and I am not in another long term relationship. I have spent the majority of my life in long term relationships or single. I beleive that society and morals are two contributing factors. Be with someone that is morally in tune with yourself. Also, be with someone who understands that people and things never stay the same forever. We grow and change often therefore the person who you want to be with forever should also be of an open mind that although you both grow and change often your morals do not. Hope I was some what helpful and did not drudge up any past pain for you .. be well
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female
reader, faith_believe_love  +, writes (22 February 2008):
 Hi,.Im not an expert to answer your question but im here to give you my opinion.I think the reason why long term relationships ends it just because the either one of the couple lost that love,spark or passion.Or both sides.Actually theres so many reasons that no one of us could ever tell its beyond words i guess.After all it depends on the couple how would they work it out.Take care.
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