A
female
age
,
*implyLeslie
writes:Dear Cupid:I am an educated,loving,generous widow with one adult child in college. I got hooked up with a man who was married to a family member I never really knew..who is now dead. He had a drug habit (meth), smokes, drinks, has NO ability to control what he says no matter where he is. He's always talking or yelling at a horrible level. He has alienated me from family, friends and any outside life whatsoever.He just got a cash job after over two years..that now he says is at a lull for a while. He has had me pay his child support for over two years ( I quit) while refusing to get a divorce from his wife. He criticizes everyone and everything in my life including my child and pets. I am in a position where my monthly income is quite large and I don't have to "work" for it. He has lived off me for 28 months and a couple months ago I moved him OUT while he was visiting his parents out of state. NOW he had NO where to go. So I let him stay in my motorhome at a park that I am a member of a few miles away. It's in the shop now and he's here. HELP!
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female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (11 May 2011):
 Pack up his stuff, dump it on the porch, change the locks, call the police and report his drug taking and abusive behaviour. Go to the courthouse, get a restraining order. Change your phone numbers and anytime he comes around you call the police.
You ask for help...it's not hard to get someone out of your life if you really mean to do it.
I cannot believe that you first asked for help in october and you have done nothing to eject this loser from your life when you are so unhappy. Worrying that you dont want him to go because he has 'unfinished jobs' around your home is really ridiculous...get rid of him and hire a handy man to finish the jobs...its a dumb reason to let him stay.
Like I said in October...if you REALLY wanted this loser gone...he'd be gone...maybe you need to have some therapy to uncover why you are so needy of such an unworthy man.
A
female
reader, simplyLeslie +, writes (11 May 2011):
simplyLeslie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUPDATE:I need some help to get rid of this mooch, and "boyfriend" of almost exactly 3 years. His son is buying a house, it will close within days and there is room for dear ol' dad. I have to ACT quickly, before son fills it up with other non working, unable to function in society people (besides his dad) as he works f/t..all the time (son).I keep embroiling myself in "future" projects with boyfriend, and should stop ALL entanglement and GET OUT of this relationship before it brings about my demise. He is horribly emotionally abusive..by just ranting and raving about every subject, anyone who is nearby, constantly. I need to get him away from me, and he will have a place in a matter of less than thirty days. Please give me some words, to do it. I have no kids with him, no legal marriage, he offers no support, and I easily support myself. What am I doing with this loser? He spoils every occassion by being rude, and mad, saying stupid things. I just want him GONE. I need to forget projects he is "working on" in order to hang around the property longer (sprinklers, tile, grouting,) and give him his walking papers straight to his son's new house. I can't figure out why I am afraid to do this? Ive been alone 14 years before this (when husband died) and raised great girl, all by myself..who is still around, close by..going to college and working. HELP ME PLEASE. I have to get rid of him, as every day, I can barely function I am so depressed,and puffy and tired from crying. This person is doing meth again (about every two or three months, now, after months of non use after rehab..all going back to the "same ol' drug addict" he drinks and becomes sloppy about every ten days. What can I possibly be doing with such a horrible person? He is also mean and nasty...says mean things to his adult kids, brothers...just a really arrogant and conceited, know it all, who is uneducated, un employed, ex felon, smokes, drinks and does meth. I am the opposite of all above. What am i doing with such a creature? HELPPPPP!!! I can do it with support, but want to keep my business, mine. I have no parents..I feel alone and floating around, as it is so embarrassing for me to admit to friends and family all the above. No one is living close enough to see ALL this about him. Just can see the surface...I'm sure they know more than they let on.
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A
female
reader, simplyLeslie +, writes (24 October 2010):
simplyLeslie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the opinions. I have no answer for WHY I think I owe him a place to live, medical care, money, etc. He is not my adopted child.
He was sicker than a dog..but I told him I wanted him OUT. I meant the next day or two when he was "well". He left and told me to pack his bag. Most of his stuff was in storage and NOT here. He returned. Put his stuff in his truck and then asked for his files. I went in office and got them for him. One was a huge divorce file. He was unable to complet his divorce this week..court settelement conference attorney had them sign papers but needed her paralegal to complete some paperwork. So..that wasn't done either and he was "too ill" to have signature notarized so she could have it filed. He said after I gave him all his files and told him several times..(he asked again and again) that I did NOT love him any longer..and WHY he killed all love...that he knew it was OVER. He's gone. Haven't heard from him. He has stuff in barn I want OUT of here..but for now..no sign of him and some peace and quiet. Very empty feeling..but better than sorrow and resentment and accepting abuse (emotional/mental)...
I guess we don't want to be "all alone" even if we have a horrible person living with us..or married to us. I didn't let him "get to me" with his guilting me and thinking I did still love him. Ihave feelings for him. Don't want him in my life, but want him to stay away from drugs and crime and continue on in life. He has never stayed out of legal trouble for years like this before. I just have to let go and let happen what may. Natural consequences... Thanks for all the support and advice. I feel empty..but it will pass...and I can find something in life I deserve..
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (20 October 2010):
I read your follow up and it does appear you are in one huge confusing mess where you are expected to live with and support this cling-on relative and endure his abuse and torment so that it doesnt upset the rest of the family?...Is this how it is? What do you stand to lose if you kick him out?, what do you gain?...you seriously need to think about how this is affecting you.
You stated that you coped adequately for 14 years on your own, but that you have lost all confidence. Do you fear living alone again? I know of hundreds of people who stay and endure abuse far worse than the fear of being alone!
Is there nobody within your family or friends who will support you?, Is there no one person who can see how badly this is destroying your life?
One thing I cant figure is if this man has two grown children, can they not be asked to accomodate him?
You could ask every agony aunt on this site and they would all say you should eject him, but your fear has you gripped in the problem and I think this is making your decisions for you.
When in an intolerable situation, we all must do things we would rather not do, even if it makes us look bad to others. You only get one life. If you fear your property or animals may be attacked then you need to file a police report and if you yourself are in significant danger then you need to move away. Im not sure I would have chosen to live so close to where a member of my family was murdered, but you obviously had reason.
You are allowing this man and his family to destroy your life, you are educated and have the means to act to protect yourself...personally I wouldnt care who I upset or inconvienienced...Id rather have my happiness and freedom.
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A
female
reader, simplyLeslie +, writes (20 October 2010):
simplyLeslie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Aunties: YES! You are right. The horrible, sad truth is that where I live (which is in U.S. but does NOT have to follow regular CA law..) I can have him kicked out of here in one phone call..and NEVER allowed to return (and it's guard-gated and patrolled).
Here, I worry he won't be able to work for my neighbor for cash..if that occurs. His two adult children are my grandparents-"great grandchildren" and inherited land from our mutual relative. They are all INTER-connected..(family..that isn't close as my dad and their grandpa were brothers but BOTH are dead..
He is deathly ill today..and I was just ill all last night and couldn't sleep wanting him OUT of my guest room. I recently moved to a town where he grew up. I inherited land...and put up a modular home here. The whole place knows him/and or my family and for some reason "think" I "owe" him something for "helping me with the place" even though he's lived with me in THREE other houses where he didnt help me (put up a block wall, fence, etc). I left all my friends in another state to move here and "start" a life..but I don't only fear what he will say and do..it's all these others who are related to me..and to him that just fuel the fire.
I have no living parents or grandparents..my family members that were there..are dead now. I need to go OUT in the world and make a new LIFE..I feel like a prisoner who always has to defend herself. I want to kick him out and then leave for a couple of weeks while the dust settles but fear some sort of retalliation to my property/pets etc. I have had some rough spots in my life...like my dad being murdere (right 1/2 mi from my new place) and my husband murdered 16 years ago..mom died when I was 18..no siblings. That type of thing. I fear desertion and last time I moved him out..he was almost crying saying I deserted him ( I put him up at a hotel that night). I had all his stuff in storage and gave him the key. I have back-tracked so far..I cant tell any of my friends out of state..becuz they would be appalled I fear. I have BEEN RID of him and I never even began telling them the things he did. They just heard his description and knew he was the source of my depression and despondency.
I know I don't "owe" him..I've done everything for him for two years..bought everything for him..done every single thing for him. I keep thinking he will have keys..or he's got to "wrap up this half finished job that only he knows how to do". I was alone for 14 years after my husband died...and raised my daughter. I only got involved with him when my daughter was 18 1/2. All other relationships were not serious and /or short term...we were involved with the church..and all kinds of activities. Now I feel as if I can't "do" anything myself when I did it for 14 years just fine. I feel so relieved when he is gone. I feel so horrible when he acts like I am the deserter/crazy/unbalanced one and he is so deserving and a real martyr. I just want to move on without repercussion and I guess that is not possible. I decided to get rid of him early Aug and now it's nearly Nov. EAch day is filled with anxiety about how and when I will be able to END it permanently..without him guilting me into seeing him and letting him in the house. I feel I can do anything. I just need support and firm supporters to reassure me that this is the ONLY answer. I sent him to rehab. He doesnt do the drug anymore but is NO better ..now he has NO excuse for his miserable actions and behavior. I need to be committed if I don't oust him. I realize now how kidnapped victims stay with their captor even when they are left alone and have chances to leave. I feel brainwashed to have this mindset that I am now a weak, needy, dribbling, drooling fool that is basically unloveable and unwantable. Please just help me FIND My sanity and look for a new life without fear.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (19 October 2010):
 Sweetie, you owe him nothing - you need to stop feeling guilty.
He has become what he is because of his actions.
You will have to take a tough stance, give him notice to get out and if he wont, then you will probably have to seek legal action against him.
Stop feeling guilty!!!
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (19 October 2010):
I dont wish to sound unsympathetic but if this situation was really bothering you, you'd have him out of your life in a heartbeat. You owe him nothing and your not his mother!, he's an adult, albeit a pathetic, drug addicted mooch. There was no reason to offer him anything. Give him notice that in one weeks time he has to leave. If he refuses then get a restraining order!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2010): Hi. With respect. If you chose to keep looking after this lazy unpleasant man. No one can help. You have to give him his marching orders and mean it, otherwise he will continue to mooch off you.
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