A
female
age
30-35,
*estephe3
writes:It’s almost been a year now that I first met my coach I would soon grow to admire and still do to this day. Here’s my (long) recap: Before tryouts, I had no clue what to expect from him, but I’d heard that he’s pretty fun to be around, etc. (He’s a pretty popular teacher). Anyway, after tryouts had ended and we found out who made the team or not, I began to feel comfortable around him and I liked how easy it was to talk to him because of how understanding he was with things I’d tell him. About a couple weeks into our practices, I began staying after a little longer with a couple of my teammates to work on a couple things and he’d stay with us. During these practice times, he’d come over by me and ask me stuff or just joke around, which I thought was kind of cool for him to do. (I’ve never had a coach/teacher act that way to me before). Anyway, it was the day of our first game and it was a pretty cold day. He had brought 2 heavy jackets of his along, in case anyone wanted/needed to wear one to warm up. He told only me to put one on, because to him, I looked cold, but I refused because I would’ve felt weird to do so. (I know that’s kind of weird to share, but I thought that was odd of him to just ask me to wear one). On the bus ride back to school after that game, he kept standing up and looking back at us, and whenever I’d look up, I’d see him looking directly at me! (That’s when I first started to have weird feelings about him). I continued to stay after practices to work on things with him, but I didn’t feel as comfortable around him now. Unlike before when he’d just walk by me and chat about things, etc., he now began to come very close to me, almost too close and chat with me, or show me how to do things correctly, (which included touching my arm/hand). During one of our practices he even took me by the arm and put his arm around me to show me where I was supposed to be during that particular play. At the time, I just noticed he was kind of treating me a little differently from everyone else, so that’s why I began to question some things. I didn’t feel he wanted to hurt me or try to do anything to me, but I didn’t feel the same about him as I had at the beginning of the season. But, after the loss of one of his kids, I put every negative thought/feeling about him and what he’d done, behind me. Of course I felt horrible looking back on what for the past couple weeks I thought he had been doing was wrong ( and a little creepy) and was feeling ashamed of myself. My teammates and I went to the wake, missed school for the funeral, and even went over to his house afterwards to check up on him. I didn’t really like the fact we would be going over to his house, but I was forced into going with the rest of my team. But that’s when I started to admire him as a caring, older man who wasn’t out to get me. As we were all leaving his house, he stopped me to ask how things were going with me. (He was gone for a good 2-3 weeks and I’d gotten hurt in one of our games, so I missed a week or so of games). The fact that he’d asked me that with everything he was going through at the time completely shocked me. To know he’d even remember that small thing about me at a time like that was absolutely amazing to me and I’ll be honest, I felt extremely honored/flattered he’d thought of that. When he first came back, I didn’t think the way I’d had about him earlier in the season, but that feeling began creeping back to me a couple weeks after his return. He continued with the things he’d done before his absence…(talking/standing by me very close, touching my hand/arm, praising me more than my other teammates, giving me more playing time). Part of me liked that he was playing me more and congratulating me on things more than everyone else, but the other part of me didn’t. I wasn’t so sure about our “bond” anymore. I had days where I’d feel excited to see him and days I didn’t want to see him at all, be that at a practice or game. The same things continued with our practices and I just learned to ignore them. Now, looking back on last year and the time I’d spent with him (at practices/games), I do feel he has made a huge impact on my life for the better. He’s an amazing role model and I look up to him. I love him for who he is and I realized that the things I thought he was doing wrongly to me, were only his way of showing “affection”, (if that's the correct word choice), I guess… Today, when I pass him in the hall during school, he’ll always smile, say hi, or wave to me. At the end of the school year last year, I even had him sign my yearbook. He wrote that he’d loved getting to know me and looks forward to having me on a team or in a class in the future. I thought that was nice of him to write. But, what I’m trying to ask is…Was all of this that I went through admiration or a crush? I feel like we did share a good coach-athlete relationship last year and I’m bummed that this year I won’t have him as a coach.I’d greatly appreciate any advice for what I should do this season with not having him as a coach and I’d like to know what your opinions are about this. Thanks. (Sorry this was sooo long, too).
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male
reader, Psychology101 +, writes (11 March 2010):
any updates on what ended up happening?
A
female
reader, sestephe3 +, writes (10 March 2010):
sestephe3 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for your thoughts/advice, smitheroon.
Based on the points you made about him being mature around us, I thought he generally was ok with that, but there were times (as I described) that I felt he may have crossed the "line". But, nothing bad ever occurred. I see where you're coming from when you mentioned he could've been oblivious to his actions. But, I felt that wasn't the matter. And, I agree that I could remind him of one of his children; I've never thought about that.
Thanks, again! :)
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A
female
reader, smitheroon +, writes (5 March 2010):
 Hello. :) This is a tough situation because I'm only seeing it from your viewpoint. So, let me address just a couple of things.
I'm really glad you found positive from this situation and that you can recognize that this is admiration and you're not coming here saying this coach is the love of your life. That's very mature of you.
Most importantly, you've made it clear that at a few points you felt uncomfortable around him. You've had to deal with emotions that you are not supposed to be concerned about at your age or any age. Teachers and coaches are in a unique position of power and opportunity. That means they are supposed to have very healthy boundaries and as an older man he should be mature enough to know what is or isn't OK when dealing with a teenage girl. We women have to trust our instincts too, oftentimes if a man is making you feel uncomfortable it's for a reason. There are small signals that we often can't string together but in the end they equal a sense of uneasiness or concern, and that's for a very important reason. Trust that feeling.
On the other hand, he could have been completely oblivious to his actions. You said you've never had other teachers or coaches take an active interest in you and you also talk about how he lost a child at the same time. Maybe something in you reminded him of that child or just triggered a parental feeling in him toward you and he saw something special that he wanted to bring out. Even if that's the case, your feelings still mean you'll have to be cautious.
That's a tough spot - but here's the thing, just be thankful that you had a good coach and move forth now. I have a huge crush on one of my professors and I'm in my last semester of college and well into my twenties AND I see that he reciprocates the feeling of thinking I'm attractive . . . BUT . . . that would mean his job. Teachers and students MUST have clear boundaries for the reason I talked about earlier - teachers are in a position of power and it's easy to become confused about whether your feelings are authentic or manipulated. It's also a tricky situation and at your age you should definitely only be looking at guys your age in a relationship/sexual manner. So, with my prof, I just sort of let myself get a little ego boost that he thinks I'm cute and I go on my way.
Lastly, let me be very clear because of your age on this - if at ANY POINT something occurs that makes you feel scared, uncomfortable, or concerned, talk to someone about it. If this coach were to EVER do anything that makes you feel "wrong" then you need to speak to another teacher, a parent, a counselor, a pastor, whoever you're close to in your life, ok? I don't want to sound extreme, but you have to stand up for yourself. :)
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