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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I recently broke up with my ex. About an hour ago.Not the first time, but I think this is the last one. We had been having problems for a long time because he didn't trust me, he dislilked and judged me a lot about my past. He always made me feel guilty even though he was very mean when we argued. He always threw my mistakes on my face when we were arguing. However we managed to make it work.In the end, I know he's a jerk. However I love him loads... too much. I think I love him more than anyone else, even myself. But we were arguing and he said such mean things, and now I can't cope. I guess I should feel better, I should feel better off without him but I don't. And I'm afraid he's relieved now that he's not with me.I gave him everything, I gave him so much love, but it wasn't enough. And now I'm in pain, and it's so unfair because he was mean to me and he should be suffering. I feel I'll never be able to love again, or find someone suitable for me (I'm picky). He didn't show his true colors until a long time in the relationship, so when he just appeared in my life he was like an angel and he still is in my heart, despite all the pain he's made me go through, I forgive him. He always talked about kids and marriage so it's even harder giving up all that illusion. Even though he was my first boyfriend and first love, I really thought I'd be with him forever. We shared so much in common and everything reminds of him.My family dislikes him because of the pain he's caused me. And my self esteem has always been low and now this is a huge blow. Despite not having the best self esteem, I know I don't deserve this, and I gave him everything I gave him so much love, so now all I can ask is "Why me?".... Why do I deserve this? Why do I have to suffer and love him so much, and how can I get over this overwhelming pain?
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male
reader, rcn  +, writes (26 February 2008):
 If he was your first love, what about your past was he disagreeing with. Generally, a judgement on someone's past in a relationship is sexually based. So you can forgive him for his way of treating and you love him so much; why is it so difficult for you to forgive yourself for the way you view you, and the love you have for yourself.
What is "love" to you. I'll tell you how I view love. Love is a chosen method of treating and caring for someone, without judgement, unconditionally, with no return expectations. Is that your same view, or does yours have room included for being mistreated? One of the most important lessons I've learned in relationships is that all healthy relationships start with you. Do you believe in setting boundaries? that's accepting or not accepting to be treated in ways you choose not to be treated? You know you have that right and the right to demand to be treated with love and nothing less. That begins with your sense of self. Most of the individuals we talk too here are people we don't have a personal relationship with. Some friendships are developed. I'll tell you, not knowing some of these people who cause pain to others and mistreat someone. When they come on here. They're told they have no right to mistreat that person. It's not that we know them, it's that we know how EVERYONE has the right to be treated. With that issue, your self esteem doesn't matter. It doesn't make any difference if you are high on life or feel real low, that doesn't change how you should be treated. You are an important person, unto yourself before you can be as important in building a relationship.
So this makes better sense. I'm a single parent. I love my kids. I exercise some, getting into doing a bit more. I study behaviors and have done so for over 10 years. I have 3 children with ADHD, which I have as well, so I spent over 5 years studdying how I can assist myself and my children with that disorder. I was also coaching other families on how to work with their children. I've also been (blessed, NOT) with a sleeping disorder (narcolepsy). When working on myself. If I gave up and felt bad about having disabilities and allowed the obsticals from them control my abilities instead of accepting and taking control, would I be able to care for my children as well as I have been? If I became physically ill, how would that impact my ability to care for my kids?
I know the explanation was a bit long, but the same is true about relationships. If we're weak in different areas, then we offer that much less to the foundation of creating a positive long lasting relationship. It's not a matter of striving for profection. No one is perfect, but there are behaviors that we can change. I think of it as eliminating the negative and enhancing the positive.
Such as his judging you. I learned a long time ago I have no right to judge you or anyone else as a person, because I'm not perfect. I have my own faults to deal with instead of focusing on how to change someone else. I'm sorry you went through what you did. Always remember this in anything you do. The only behavior you can conrol is your own. All though we're sometimes motivated to make a change, change itself can not be created by anyone else other than the person who's changing.
Take care.
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (26 February 2008):
 "Casting pearls before swines!"
Look to who you give your pearls to.If you throw your pearls to those animals, they do not know how to appreciate the value of pearls.
This is a lesson in life.Only give your pearls to someone who can appreciate and value it.
You can get some help from this site;-
http://www.been-dumped.com/relationship-advice-and-articles.php
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2008): i see...it isnt fair...not by a long shot...but that's life,bad stuff happens to good people that's just the way it is sometimes,but if i may offer some critiscism it honestly sounds more like infatuation to me.but take this to heart if you are in soo much pain and he is simply relieved what does that tell you about his true nature?he obviously didnt care as much for you as you did for him love is a neccesity in any healthy relationship but it has to be from 2 sides love is a 2 way street and it seem like you were way too giving on this matter i know it hurts now but give it some time i mean it was just an hour ago.good luck and best wishes-michael
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