A
male
age
41-50,
*am72
writes:recently i post about my wifes infidelity and I'm still with her but not on so good terms shes said she sorry and is trying to change i guess but the damage is done and i don't feel nothing for her so i went out with some friends and i met this nice girl and exchange numbers. well we been talking and its been real nice so we started dating and i told her about my wife and some of the things that happen reason because i want to come clean to her and if she is still willing to continue with this thing and shes excepted so now shes like my girlfriend but why do i feel like crap doing this to my wife when all she did was hurt me and didn't care and I'm afraid of being discovered. now my wife wants to mend thing up but i don't know if i could because im afraid she will do the same thing again but at the same time i don't feel right with this new person and i like her alot maybe its because she getting to attach to me to soon i don't know i feel bad about the whole thing and this is the 1st time iv done this just to let you guys know about this i have past posts to bring you up to date.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2011): your wife lied to you that your "son" was yours but she was knocked up with another man's kid????? AND YOU ARE STILL WITH HER?????
Listen to me: pack her bags and get rid of her. you are still young, go out and have fun. (Do not cheat on her, get rid of her first)
LoveGirl
A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (2 June 2011):
 how can u forgive someone that cheated on me like 3 timeWith help from a professional counselor that has experience with infidelity counseling. They can help walk you through all your thoughts and feelings and make a good decision.It takes TIME to forgive someone and the LOVE has to be bigger than the hurt. When you love someone deeper than the betrayal, you can heal the wound.then lies to Me about mine 3 year old son saying its mine when i just found out last November she cheated one me with this other guy from her job and then i find out about my son that its someones else son no one in my family knowThat must be heartbreaking and shocking...BUTA child really becomes YOURS when they are created from your LOVE, not your genentic material. In every sense, that child sees YOU as their DADDY, right? Do not withold love from this child, because it is not their fault.Any man can be a Father, but it takes a special man to be a DADDY. The Dad that raised me was not the Father than made me, but in my heart and the rest of my life..my Daddy was forever, and will always BE my DADDY. He chose me out of love, not because I was biologically related to him.this girl I'm seeing its not like i was looking it just happen i haven't slept with her or any thing like that but we been getting close and i feel bad instead of trying to move on with this person is it because my wife is trying or am i not letting go i don't know You have not become sexually inimate, but you have become emotionally intimate. As I mentioned before, as long as you have a girlfriend you can not fix anything.Inviting the gf into your life..and this mess just increases the potential for more hurt. Best to let her go for now while you sort out your life. If you decide to end your marriage and start a new relationship with someone else...EARN YOUR WAY THERE and do the right thing as a free man, not a wounded cheater who feels because you got hurt you can do anything you want guilt free....you know its not working.Take the responsibility for YOU and your actions. Time to look at what your FAMILY and decide if they are worth keeping together. Good Luck and Best Wishes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2011): If your wife is trying to fix the problem, and you really love your wife you shouldn't be turning away from her and cheat with another woman. A marriage would never work out if only one person is trying to fix the problem. If this is the case you should forgive her only if she is deeply truly sorry for what she had done.you should stop being hypocritical.
When you are betrayed by a person you love, it is the worst feeling ever. I was cheated by my boyfriend last year, we have been together 4 years, and I simply couldn't believe it because he acted out so loyal and everything. Now, It felt like there was a permanent scarring, I felt so vulnerable and so insecure that i could never trust him again.
However having said that, time really heals scars, you should really forgive her if you love her. I forgave my boyfriend and things worked out although I still get emotionally unstable listening to music sometimes but you really get through the tough times.Remember . Love conquers all.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (2 June 2011):
No one is saying you 'have' to forgive your wife. she betrayed your trust and even lied to you about the paternity of your son! this is definitely grounds for divorce and no one will fault you for it.
the point is if you can't forgive your wife - and I don't think anyone will blame you for it - then don't stay married to her. Because by choosing to stay married to her you are basically saying that you are going to forgive her and continue a normal married life. If you're not able to do this, then don't declare to the world that you are (via remaining married).
staying married and saying "but she betrayed me so I have the right to do anything now" makes you as bad as she was. It's more honorable to divorce her rather than to say one thing (that you will forgive and re-trust her) but do another.
So don't even get into this situation if you can't align your heart with your actions and words.
let your actions be consistent with your heart.
it's a huge shock to learn that your son is not biologically related to you. But at the end of the day, does it make you love him less? You are the only father he's ever known, does DNA determine who you will and won't love? Of course not. unfortunately he may become a symbol to you of your wife's betrayal, because that's human nature, so I urge you to get some counseling for yourself to help process your emotions and separate your love for your son from your wife's betrayal.
Again, no one is saying you need to forgive your wife. or that forgiving your wife equates to staying married to her. You can forgive her yet not be married to her anymore because forgiving her doesn't mean you owe her your trust and vulnerability again, and yet a marriage without trust and the ability to be vulnerable to each other is a toxic marriage.
as long as you continue to stay married to her and not seek a divorce, you are basically committing to forgiving and re-trusting her as a spouse. As long as you continue to stay married, you are going to be held to the same standards that she is, like being faithful regardless of what she has or hasn't done in the past. Your wife may have poisoned the marriage by her betrayal and lies, but you don't have to continue the poison by continuing a marriage you can't adhere to anymore.
So if you can't trust and forgive your wife - and no one will blame you for not being able to and no one is saying you have to - then don't stay married. Being married means you are saying you WILL do these things.
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A
male
reader, Sam72 +, writes (1 June 2011):
Sam72 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyou guy are right but how can u forgive someone that cheated on me like 3 time and then lies to Me about mine 3 year old son saying its mine when i just found out last November she cheated one me with this other guy from her job and then i find out about my son that its someones else son no one in my family know about this u know how much it hurts when they say he looks like me and he calls me dad I'm i love him to death and by the way i have to more daughters with her i know there my kids "dna" and with this girl I'm seeing its not like i was looking it just happen i haven't slept with her or any thing like that but we been getting close and i feel bad instead of trying to move on with this person is it because my wife is trying or am i not letting go i don't know
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2011): 2 wrongs won't make 1 right
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (1 June 2011):
Why do you have bad feelings?
You have two things going on-Your wife cheated on you.
It hurt, right?
Sooooooo, you went and did the same thing to her?
And you feel bad.
Why? PAIN and GUILT hurts. That is your conscience, soul, inner voice, what ever you want to call it saying...HEY something is WRONG HERE! Your inner alarm is going off.
Cheating on someone is not ok, even if it has been done to you. You can not heal the wound by hurting someone else.
Things will not improove in your marriage if you have a girlfreind. You are not fixing the problem, only creating NEW ones.
Tell the truth to your wife and get some professional counseling to talk about the infidelity and if your marriage could (or SHOULD) be saved!
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A
female
reader, belize  +, writes (1 June 2011):
 You have some on finish business with your wife to sort out. Its a question of trust and she has betrayed you.
You will not be able to move on until you have sorted out in your head if you still want your wife back.
We all make mistakes, some mistakes can be put right, some can't. This is the choice you must make. If you love her enough to forgive her, try and talk it through. If you can't forgive her, draw line under it. Try and spent some time doing other stuff, maybe your wife was not right for you. This new GF may is not one for you either.
Is hard but don't rush into anything. Things will become more clearer. Just give yourself more time.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (1 June 2011):
 Off course you are going to feel bad about what you are doing, your wife done a terrible thing by cheating on you and betraying your trust but you chose to stay with her and now you are doing the exact same thing as she done to you. Therefore that makes you no better than her. Two wrongs do not make a right.
You need to make a choice on who you want to be with. You cannot have the best of both worlds. I am sorry that your wife hurt you. But honestly you need to make a choice on who you want to be with your wife or your girlfriend because hunny its not fair being with them both. If you are not happy with your wife anymore well then finish the marriage and then you are free to do what you like.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2011): the reason you feel bad is because you know how much it hurts to be the spouse who's been cheated on, because your wife cheated on you. Yet now you're doing the same thing. you've lost your moral high ground, you've stooped to that low level. You are rightfully outraged that your wife cheated on you...and yet, now you're doing the same. Hypocritical, no?
Furthemore, you're stringing along your girlfriend because you're dating her yet still married to your wife. You're being very unfair to your girlfriend.
also, whereas your wife ended her affair and has re-committed to the marriage, you have no intention of doing the same. You want to keep this new girl around just to soothe you and comfort you. This is being very selfish.
Yes your wife was selfish when she betrayed you. And yes you have every right to hate her and to not be able to trust her or feel lovingly towards her. But if so, then realize this means you should end your marriage. If you're going to say that you're willing to work on your marriage and save it, then do it. But you're not.
So, the reason you feel bad is because you're still hurting from your wife's betrayal and now you know you are a hypocrite because you're doing the same thing your wife did and you're being a jerk to your new girlfriend by dating her when you're still married to someone else.
Honestly I think you should give up your marriage since it's clear that the trust with your wife has been broken, if you can't forgive her that's OK (it was her fault for cheating on you and destroying the trust), don't think you are Ghandi or Mother Teresa who has an endless ability to forgive - dont' think you are that "good" if you're really not, that's OK.... you feel like crap because you know you can't trust your wife so you can't feel the same about your marriage ever again, and you're not strong enough to commit to the healing process. so you need to divorce, close that chapter rather than drag it on into the dirt, and move on with your life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2011): Two wrongs dont make a right,also if you really loved your wife you would be trying to salvage your marriage not running around looking for an excuse to sleep with
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